4 Years// Family Photos

My dad died 4 years ago today.  There are a lot of major and minor things about December and January that are difficult.  When I start seeing pictures of players practicing at the Australian Open, for example, the sight of the multi-color green seats in the stadiums makes me feel queasy.  A few days after my dad died, I watched that tournament while we packed up his house, scouring the stadium for the seats that were empty because the tickets for them were sitting on the dresser in the back bedroom there in Oregon, instead of getting moist in our sweaty pockets in the Australian sun.  When I see those seats, I go straight to that headspace.  That's why I know "triggers" of trauma are a real thing.  I could still point out exactly where in Hisense Arena we were supposed to spend those 3 days.  I had tried to find a way to donate those tickets to a charity that would take some kids or something, or just give them to any tennis fan over the internet, but at the time there was no way.

Oregon was playing for the National Championship in the year that he died, too.  Vickie and I watched most of the game in his room, at the end of the day when he stopped being conscious of everything that was going on.  He had started tuning out, saying things we couldn't understand, and talking about places that he believed he was visiting in his mind.  This was difficult for emotional reasons, obviously, but also for practical ones.  It meant we could no longer rely on him to tell us when he needed more morphine.  My recollection is that Vickie and I were largely responsible for deciding how much to administer, and when, to minimize his pain without "clouding" him.  That was the phrase the hospice hotline always used.

One moment that reminds me of his state on that day was that while we were watching the game, he seemed to sort of wake up and be present for a minute.  It was at some point before halftime, and Vickie and I told him the Ducks were winning!  "You can't fool me," he said, and we kind of laughed, and then he went back to sleep.  They weren't supposed to beat Auburn and Cam Newton, as I recall.  Then Vickie and I just kind of, I don't know, stared at each other in disbelief over the course of the rest of the game, as the Ducks lost the lead and ultimately the game.  It was two more whole days before he died.  Those were the longest two days of my life.

I am glad Oregon is in the national championship again tonight.  But I wasn't really ready for it.  Maybe if it had taken several more years the memory wouldn't be quite so raw.  I don't know.  But I'm also at the point where it feels like he's been gone a really long time, so I am able to recognize that the ability to access really raw emotions about it is a privilege of sorts.  Most of those of you who still read this blog are probably feeling pretty raw about his death today, too.  So, here the photos we got taken in November but which I had not yet remembered to share.  Dad would have loved these pictures.  He was very clear in his mind when he told me that sometimes interruptions in the plans we make for ourselves turn out beautifully, like Vickie's surprise conception.  And sometimes interruptions in the plans we make for ourselves turn out terribly, like cancer.  But, he told me, "Just keep planning on loving Billy."

There are parts of my heart that went dark when my dad died.  Fortunately for me, these two are bright enough to cast some light on the shadows.

She's got plenty of sugar but she's mostly spice, Dad.  You would get all her jokes.

Photos by Stumberg Photography

Batgirl's Halloween

Neither Billy nor I are big Halloween fans, but we get to enjoy it now because Nora loves everything involved.  Early in October we took a family trip to a local pumpkin patch that has several different types of kids activities.  Despite the face she's making in this photo, she claims the corn kernel sandbox was her favorite part.

We decorated the small pumpkin she picked out as a "Pumpkin Patch." Naturally, since we waited until after we returned from California to carve the giant pumpkin, that one had to be Minnie Mouse.  Nora also enjoyed eating the seeds Dad seasoned and toasted!

And, having saved the best for last, here are the pictures of Nora's costume this year. When I first asked her what she wanted to be, she wasn't sure.   We looked at a google image search of "toddler costumes," and I was excited that she kept picking Batgirl because I thought we were going to have one of a thousand Elsas.  BUT imagine my delight when I discovered that Batgirl's alter ego is Dr. Barbara Gordon, who has her PhD in Library Science and is the head librarian in Gotham City.  As you can imagine, this made the costume a big hit at the costume storytime we attended at our public library.

We sent Oma a few pictures of Batgirl and, as usual, she did an amazing job interpreting them and crafting a one-of-a-kind costume for Nora.  Unfortunately, I didn't get any pictures of Batdog, but Nora was VERY excited that Mom made her stuffed dog Percy a matching cape. Nora loved being one of many superheros in her class during the Halloween party and parade, and we stopped at a golf course near her school to take some pictures afterward.

We took Batgirl trick-or-treating around our court for the first time, and she did a great job talking to all the neighbors, telling them Happy Halloween, and saying thank you for her candy.  After that we went up to Gram and Pop's house to help hand out candy, which she also loved.  Based on her excitement about Halloween, we are in for a real treat come Christmas!

California Trip: Work and Tourism

We spent the latter half of our trip to California in Pasadena so I could conduct several days of research in the Mary Austin archive at the Huntington Library.  I had applied in advance for "reader's privileges" and was even awarded a travel stipend by my department to help defray the costs of the visit.  I was a little disappointed that my research didn't garner any big discoveries, but it was still productive. I got to look at plenty of information that relates to my dissertation chapter and even got to read a draft version of the novel that will serve as the focal point in the chapter.  Once I start focusing my work on that chapter, I'm sure I will get a better idea of how the things I read in the archive will be useful.

Billy decided to stay in California with Nora rather than traveling back home early, and I am so glad he did! It was great for me to have them with me for breakfast and dinner each day, and it allowed us to do several "touristy" type things that really made the trip memorable.  One of my favorite Mary Austin stories, The Walking Woman, tells the story of a woman who finds contentment through a combination of love, work, and motherhood.  Obviously, this story has always resonated with me, and it felt just exactly right to be doing my archive research on her with Billy and Nora in tow.

This also meant Billy and Nora got to enjoy plenty of daddy/daughter time while I spent long days at the library doing research.  Fortunately the weather was great for our entire visit, so they went to several different parks and a children's museum in Pasadena.

We also got to see my good friends Krista and Jordan and their girls, Clara (5) and Evie (4).  They live in Oakland now, and thanks to a last minute Disneyland trip, we were able to meet them for dinner on Monday as they drove back up north.  Even for a super short time, it was great to see them and get to see the girls interact for a little while.

One of the unexpected perks of doing research at the Huntington is free access to the grounds, which includes 120 acres of botanical gardens.  I finished my research early enough on my last day to spend several hours wandering around the gardens with Billy and Nora, and we barely saw even a fraction of the property.  I can't believe I never went there as a kid!  We visited the Rose Garden, Japanese Garden, and Children's Garden, but I would have loved to spend another day visiting the others.

We were fortunate to wrap up a great trip with a full day at Disneyland.  Initially we weren't sure how much Nora might enjoy the theme park at this age, but we decided to go anyway because I grew up going there regularly with my parents and siblings and wanted to be able to share the experience with my own little family.  We're so glad we went, because Nora loved it.  She is a big fan of "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse," a tv show for preschoolers, and she was so giddy about meeting the characters that she surprised me when she said the rides were her favorite part.  She handled lines up to 40 minutes long without a single complaint, and stayed cheerful and excited way past her bedtime despite not having a nap.  I was glad she was in good enough spirits to stay for the parade because she was jumping, dancing, and waving to the characters the whole time.  I don't know how much of it she will remember as she grows older, but she loved everything about it and for me and Billy, it was a perfect day.  I wish everyone in her family could have seen how thrilled she was with the whole day... but I guess we'll just have to go back!

Mr. Toad's Wild Ride was my dad's favorite and thus, our first stop.  It was pretty emotional for me to be there with Nora and Billy without any hope of ever going with Dad, but I know he would have been thrilled that Nora enjoyed it even though it "was kind of a little bit scary."