Thanks Everybody

First, I'd just like to say thank you to everyone that read my last post and said such kind words. I know people must have been keeping the situation in their prayers because everyone, myself included, seems to be figuring out how to return to normal.

Tuesday night was Haley's funeral, which was a nice service. It was a surreal experience for me for a few reasons. First, I'd never seen an open casket before, and to have my first one be a girl that is younger than me was a bit odd. Haley's best friend, another student I have, put together a slideshow of pictures of Haley from the time she was a baby up until recent ones, which was nice. The message delivered by the pastor was pretty religious, but in my opinion he did a nice job of trying to explain why things happen that just seem so unfair. Afterwards I was able to talk to a few of my students who were really close to Haley, and that was pretty hard. It was tough for me to see kids who act so tough in my classroom breaking down and asking me for hugs. I was glad to be there for my own reasons, but it also seemed like it meant a lot to them for me to be there, so I was thankful that I was able to go.

Wednesday, Thursday, and today progressively got a little bit more "normal." Kids were laughing at my jokes again, and I felt like making jokes again. Fifth period still has an empty feeling to it, but I don't think it will ever be quite as lively as it once was... not only because people are sad, but because she was such a big part of the personality of that group. It was interesting to watch the progression the kids went through... they've all known since either Friday night or Saturday morning, so it seemed like Wednesday, while I was still pretty upset, they were starting to feel a little better. I was happy to see her best friend show up in regular clothes and with makeup on after a few days in sweatpants and a ponytail.

There were still logistical things to take care of as a classroom teacher, like trying to figure out what to do about the large research paper my juniors had due today. I knew that I wanted to give the kids who were close to Haley as much time as they needed to get it done, but it was hard to do that without opening the flood gates of excuses about why people needed extensions. I ended up just giving everyone who asked the extra weekend to work on it, because how do you decide who is grieving enough to warrant extra time? I have a student who kids were talking about a few months ago when a member of the junior class committed suicide... evidently she wasn't really friends with him but was going to guidance instead of going to class, missed school for the funeral, etc. The same girl sat near Haley in class, but I never saw the two of them have a conversation, and then the girl told me that she was so upset that she needed extra time. Things like that make me very angry; how could you take advantage of someone's death to procrastinate? And how can you pretend to be feeling the same way as kids whose hearts have broken over the loss of their friend? But I guess that type of person is going to take advantage of any situation they can. There was no way for me to tell her "No, I know you weren't really friends with her, it's due Friday," so I gave her extra time like everyone else, but I hope she has at least a little bit of trouble sleeping at night knowing what she has done.

That petty stuff aside, I think the kids are doing well. They can talk about her and remember her without crying now, and I think that is what she would want. If she can tell what we're doing down here, I think she would be glad to see that her friends were really shaken and miss her horribly, but also glad to know that they are learning to carry on with strong memories of her. Her boyfriend is apparently recovering, but I don't know if he is out of the hospital. I think he has got a very long road ahead of him, so I'll continue to pray for him and her family.

It makes me feel grateful to know that I have such caring, supportive people around me, even if you're all over the place and thousands of miles away. Knowing that I have so much support has helped me be supportive to my kids in a situation that would otherwise be nearly impossible. I feel blessed to have so many people in my life who are genuinely concerned about my students, and it helps me to understand how I developed into a person who cared about them so much that it sometimes hurts. So thank you, all of you, for being what I need.

The Stuff They Don't Prepare You For

I never took a class during my education about how to handle it when you show up to work on Monday morning, open your email, and find out that one of your students was killed over the weekend in a car crash. I know a lot of my education classes were pretty useless, but if we could have devoted a single day to how to handle situations like this, it would have helped me today.

I don't know if it should matter that Haley was a good student, but she was. I probably would have been hurt if it had happened to any of my kids, but to pretend that some don't mean more to me than others would be a lie. Some of my students open up to me, talk to me about their regular lives, and find their way into my hearts, and Haley was among them. I have a whole period of off the wall kids who aren't really "students" but have good personalities, and she was in there with them. Sometimes getting through the lesson is difficult with them, but it's never boring, and they're never short on opinions.

I guess the cycle of feelings I experienced throughout the day were normal. First I felt disbelief that someone who had sat 3 feet from me only 3 days ago, and had been happy, healthy, and cheerful, was no longer alive. Then I started feeling awful for her family because I can only imagine how much more heartbreaking the experience has been for them. Then I felt the need to get the details about the car accident which took her life, most specifically whether or not her boyfriend had been with her and whether he had survived. I knew they must have been together, because it had happened on Friday night, and she used to tell me how much she loved getting dressed up and going out with him every Friday. He had been driving, he evidently hadn't been at fault (we had horrible rain over the weekend, and somehow that resulted in their car getting hit), and he's currently in the hospital. We don't have reliable information on his prognosis. Then I started thinking about how for the past few weeks she has been giving me all the new details about Prom, because she was so excited to bring Miles with her (he doesn't go to our school) and she was looking forward to having me meet him. She told me about the dress, the shoes, the hair appointment, the limo, all of that stuff that is the most important thing in the world for these couple of months. Luckily my friend Erin was her counselor, so when I needed to talk, I could talk to someone who knew her.

My first period class is juniors, so I didn't know whether they were friends with her or if they even knew. Our principal came on the intercom at the beginning of class to make the announcement and I could hardly keep it together. Once I got into my regular routine I was managing to do all right, but I knew everything was building up to fifth period, when I'd have to stand in front of the kids who would miss her most acutely. Erin said she'd come in to talk to them, so she was there with me as they were arriving. Usually they're lively, they trickle in, they never shut up until I stand there for like five minutes... but today it was horrible. They all came in, sat down, and focused their attention straight on their shoes. I tried to get myself together to talk to them about it, but I completely lost it. When Erin finished talking, it was silent. I asked them what they wanted to do, and it was silent. I didn't know what to do. For me, the easiest thing is to follow the routine, but how could I expect them to care about "A Raisin in the Sun" when one of the desks is obviously empty? Then I told them which characters they were assigned to read, and I had to modify the assignments because I gave Haley one of the main roles. We made it through the period together, but I just couldn't stop looking at that desk. It's little stuff that I don't know how to handle. How can I look at that empty desk for the rest of the year? But how can I make a new seating chart and put someone else in her seat?

After that period I had lunch, so it gave me some time to reflect a little bit. I was trying to keep myself busy with work, and I needed to clean up my desk, so I got all the pens and pencils together and put them in.... the jar Haley made me in her ceramics class because before she gave it to me, I just had a plastic cup holding all the writing utensils.

Tomorrow night is her funeral service, so I will probably cry my way through all of that, but hopefully it will help me feel some closure. I know stuff like this is supposed to get easier with each day that passes... I hope so.

In the meantime, if you are of the praying persuasion, Haley's family could use your prayers. I don't know how Miles is doing, but it couldn't hurt to send a few prayers up for him, as well. Even if he makes a full physical recovery, he will have a long journey in dealing with the psychological impact of the accident.

Nothing Special

Things for those of us living in the Mid-Atlantic continue along as usual. The school year is speeding by. We just began the 4th quarter, which means I should have about 9 weeks to finish teaching my material, but I realized the other day that it's much less. The students had 2 days off for teacher inservices, spring break is taking up a week and a day, and then we have an entire week of state testing that pretty much renders everything else at school pointless. I still have two major works to cover with my juniors, so I guess we're going to have to abridge something (probably Black Boy, which I don't care for anyway).

They interesting news for me in March was my trip to Lompoc/ Santa Barbara. Due to school committments, I was unable to make it to Great Grandma Ruth's memorial service, but I went out to spend the weekend with the family. Although it was an unfortunate reason to get together, it was fun to see everybody that I haven't seen in a while. Everybody seems to be doing very well and growing up quickly. Aside from Dalton and Mackenzee, we're all adults now, so that changes the dynamic a lot from what most of my memories of Lompoc are like. I am looking forward to spending a bit more time with the family at Vickie's graduation, and am glad Billy is going to be able to join all of us for that. I might get to stay a few extra days late because it is looking like school will be over for me on June 8.

The only other interesting thing going on with me right now is that I'm trying to learn how to cook. At first it was a big pain because I didn't know what we would like, what I would be able to make, etc. Now that I've gotten used to the menu planning and finding things in the grocery store, however, I am enjoying it. I have this cookbook called "Cheap, Fast, Good" which is turning out to have quite a few meals that fit the title. Tonight was the first time I made something out of a fancier cookbook (one of Rachel Ray's) and it was also the first time I hated what I made (mooshu pork pockets) so maybe I will stick to the simple stuff for a while. The only other frustration that continues to be associated with cooking is that it's kind of a pain to cook for 2 people, and since neither Billy or I are crazy about eating leftovers, it means a lot of extra food. We're trying to make ourselves eat the leftovers... but even if we don't, it's still cheaper than going out to dinner.

I am excited about the baseball season starting up tonight/tomorrow, as well. Billy and I went to Camden Yards yesterday with his family for an exhibition game vs. the Nationals. It was fun to see them bring everybody out and shift people around before they had to set up the official roster. Billy is excited because an Orioles prospect named Nick Markakis made the final cut, and he has looked good in the few spring training games we've watched, as well as putting up a good performance at last night's game. Billy has been following him as he has made his way through the orioles farm system, so he's looking forward to seeing him play in 'the show.'

The A's are looking really good this season, if you haven't already heard, so I'm pretty excited about that. I hardly ever get to watch them out here, but I'm looking forward to going to see them when they come to Baltimore. If their pitching turns out to be as good as it looks, I'm hoping they'll have a few extra day games on national TV.

Although the weather has been warm here the past few days, we are due to get some below freezing weather toward the end of the week. I am ready for it to be warm for good and looking forward to the summer. I think I'm going to take one master's class to see if I'm interested in the program I'm looking at, and possibly try to find a retail job at Border's or Barnes and Noble or somewhere like that to put some extra money in the bank. The cruise with Billy's family to celebrate his parents' anniversary once seemed so far off, but now it's just about 3 months away. We don't really have any other plans for the summer (no weddings this year) so if I'm able to spend a few days at home after Vickie's graduation, Billy and I might be able to fit in another vacation somewhere. At this point a trip to the apartment swimming pool sounds pretty good; I'm ready for it to be hot!

A Gum Collection and Other Weird Stuff

While studying the Harlem Renaissance, my students read Zora Neale Hurston's "How it Feels to be Colored Me." If you're unfamiliar, I'd recommend checking it out- it's pretty funny. My favorite part is when she says discrimination doesn't make her angry, it just makes her curious about why anyone would want to deprive themselves of her company. At the end of the essay, she talks about a metaphoric brown paper bag containing odd bits of nonsense that represent her, so of course I give my students brown paper bags and tell them to fill them with things that represent them. They have to share them with the class, and today we had some interesting items, so i thought I'd share them.

Hands down the most unusual thing brought in was a "red shoe." Before I go any farther I have to explain that the kids stand next to my desk, set their bags on my desk, and take things out one at a time. It works well because they don't have to juggle the items, I get to see them up close, and some people feel more comfortable standing next to me up front rather than standing there all alone. So anyway, this girl was talking about a red shoe her mom gave her while she was reaching in her bag. She pulled it out and set it on my desk right in front of me as she was explaining that she has filled it with her gum collection. HER USED GUM COLLECTION. A red glass shoe, on my desk, with hundreds of wads of chewed gum, all different colors, filling the shoe and piling up on top of it. She went on to talk about how this is significant because each piece/wad represents a different moment in her life and they're all brought together inside this red shoe. In retrospect this is kind of an interesting idea, but while she was explaining it I was so disturbed that I couldn't process it. The best part was the kids couldn't figure out what was going on. After she finished explaining it, a kid was like "A gum collection?" and apparently I said "It's FULL of CHEWED GUM!" Laughter ensued, to say the least.

No story is as good as that one. Frankly, I know kids had all kinds of interesting stuff all day, but all I can think about at this very moment is the gum collection. Anyway, I will try to proceed with some other interesting tidbits.

One student is a drummer in the band and he had his favorite drumsticks in his bag. He held one up, said its name, held the other one up, and said its name. I asked how he can tell them apart and he said "I wrote their names on them."

One girl who brags constantly about being a hippie and dresses in all 80s clothes (she seems to think 80s clothes are what hippies would have worn, I'm not sure what the connection is there) brought in pictures of a peace rally/protest she went to in DC this summer. She had all these peace loving poses and stuff and she summed up her explanation by saying "I didn't take any shoes, and I walked around barefoot. My feet got so nasty and dirty, though, I had to scrub them for an hour after I got home. I wouldn't recommend doing that." I am sure people at peace rallies in the 70s went home and scrubbed their feet afterwards.

Another girl started with the pictures of all the dogs she's had in her life. She flipped through the pictures one at a time and told us how each one died. It went something like this: "This is the first dog I ever had. He got hit by a car. This is my dog Smokey. He got stolen about a year ago. This is my dog Boondock. He ran away because my dad didn't shut the gate. This is my dog Ringer. I had him when I lived in Waldorf and he got taken away in that tornado that came through there a few years ago." I asked if she was serious and she looked at me with a face of complete disbelief that I could even question it, and I felt bad. She proceeded. "This is my dog Buster, he died of old age." A girl in the class shouted "THANK GOD!" and everyone started laughing (including the girl with all the dogs, which was important to me, because I make a big deal about not making fun of anything in the bags). She had two other dogs, another one that died of old age, and one that is still alive (miraculously).

The other one that comes to mind is a kid whose parents immigrated here from Vietnam during the war. All of his things were about the pride he has in his heritage, so that was interesting and cool, and then he pulled out a bag of rice. He said "This is rice." (I found that funny in itself, because clearly it was rice.) Anyway, he went on to explain that rice is really good, and he eats it every night, but if you eat it too much it gets boring. And that represents him because if you're around him too much, he gets a little boring, too.

Also, a lot of boyfriends/girlfriends made it into the bag, but only one girl had nice things to say about her boyfriend. Everyone else seemed very bitter or something. I dont know if they were all in fights or felt uncomfortable saying nice things in front of the class or something, but it was weird.

The gum shoe, though, wow. I could do this activity for five more years and probably wouldn't get anything as great as the gum filled shoe.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Billy sent roses and chocolate to my classroom. Aside from making me happy, it made me the envy of about 2/3 of my female students. Sometimes it feels weird to have these girls looking up to me, but I thought about it, and I realized that I have now have everything I wanted in high school, so they're not very different than I was.

Student Quotes

As you may or may not know, while I was student teaching I had a quote of the day on my instant messenger profile because kids said crazy stuff every day. I don't know if it was because they were freshmen, or if I am now so used to their behavior that it doesn't strike me as strange anymore, but I wouldn't have a daily quote to report. Recently, however, they've said some pretty funny things, so I thought I'd share for old times sake.

Corey: Ms Chambers, it would be so awesome if you came to one of our parties.
Me: You seem to have misunderstood me; I like high school kids, I do not like hanging out with high school kids.
Corey: No seriously, they're rad, we have apple cider and applesauce and apples and that's where I get the apples that I give you every day.
Me: I'm sure.

For part of black history month we had an assembly where a woman pretended to be Harriet Tubman. It was good the first few times, but then I started grading papers, which resulted in:
Tim: Ms Chambers!
Me: Yeah?
Time: PAY ATTENTION!

During the performance she explained how people called Tubman "Moses" and sang the "Let my people go" song. At the end of the day, the performance got done 5 minutes before the period was over.
Junior: Are we going back to the classroom or are we staying here?
Me: We're staying here because we won't make it back before the bell rings and you will all scatter.
Junior: Ms Chames, LET MY PEOPLE GOOOOOO!

Chance walks into the classroom.
Chance: Hey Ms. Chambers.
Me: Hey, what's up?
Chance (looking at Alan): Did she just said what's up? She just said what's up! (followed by hysterical laughter- am I really that old that I can't say what's up without getting laughed at?)

Eric: What kind of music did you listen to in high school?
Me: All kinds I guess, mostly country.
Eric: Country music is like the wind- it bloooooowwwwwws.

Response question after reading "We Wear the Mask":
What types of things do kids in your generation use as 'masks' to hide their true feelings?
AJ's response: I guess some students use drugs or clothes from abercrombie or something, but the worst is when girls are loud and obnoxious and try to disagree with everybody for no reason. There is a girl like this in this class and she sits three seats behind me and sometimes I worry that when she gets all loud she might just eat me.

Crystal showed me her report card because she was proud of making honor roll for the second time in a row. I looked at her grades and told her I was proud of her. She pointed to her 92 in Aerobics and this conversation followed:
Crystal: I hate that class.
Me: Why do you hate it if you have an A?
Crystal: I don't like the teacher.
Me: Why not? It's just aerobics.
Crystal: Yeah, but she wants us all to be anorexic.
Me: I think she probably wants you all to be healthy.
Crystal: No she doesn't. All I know is I want to be thick, and I started out at 123 lbs and now I weigh 118 lbs.
Me: What do you mean, you "want to be thick"?
Crystal: Well not that thick, I want to be like a girl in the rap video thick.
Me: Well, then eat more. Aerobics is good for you.
Crystal: No she wants us to look like a man like her. I want to be bumpin.
Corey (who has apparently been eavesdropping): A little cushion for the pushin!

Things are looking up

For one reason or another, things are going much more smoothly at school. I don't know if it is because we made oregami frogs and had a jumping frog contest or if it's because i'm showing a whole movie (All the Pretty Horses) as a reward for doing well on the test, but my juniors seem to like me these days, which makes my day go by more smoothly. I know I haven't updated in a while, so I thought I would just post some of the random ideas that have been bumping around in my brain.

-The world was a better place when Britney Spears ruled it. Or at least, the Super Bowl was better when she was in the Pepsi commercials and the halftime show.

-I don't know if people really get what they deserve in life, but I do know that your children end up paying for your mistakes. I see this with my students every day. This is an even better motivation for me to behave like a productive member of society than just knowing that I will get what I deserve.

-Last week I spent over an hour trying to make it through the last 5 miles of my commute (an accident shut the road down). While this was frustrating, I saw something I have been waiting my entire adult life to see: somebody got pulled over for thinking he was more important than everybody else and driving up the shoulder. Those people drive me crazy, and I slept a tiny bit better knowing that at least one person had to pay for it.

-I have rediscovered the person inside me that really enjoys running. I had forgotten how much I always hated the first mile.

-The Northern High School student paper can expect to never get a quote from me again. They asked me if I had a new year's resolution, and I said no, but I explained that my boyfriend was trying to get in shape for a cruise so I guess you could say my resolution was going to the gym with him. They published the quote as follows: "We are going on a cruise in July, and my boyfriend needs to get in shape before then, so I am making him work out." That was fun to have to deal with all day. When I called it to the attention of the newspaper teacher, he said "If it was a misprint, we're sorry." IF it was a misprint?? I just told you it was!

-For a few months the boys in my 7th period class have been bringing me the fruit out of their lunch that I guess their moms think they eat. Last week one of them upped the ante and brought me Otis Spunkmeyer cookies. When he brought them again the next day, I told him that it was one thing to give me leftover fruit, but I feel guilty having him buy me cookies I don't need. Since then I have not gotten any cookies NOR have they brought me fruit, so I am a little disappointed.

-When the touchdown the Seahawks scored in the first quarter was called back, it cost me $50 in our pool. I'd just like everyone to know that.

-ESPN says Joe Montana didn't go to the Super Bowl as a past MVP because he wanted to be guarranteed $100,000 to make his appearance and they wouldn't give it to him. I hated him when I was young and now he has made me hate him all over again.

-My favorite commercial during the Super Bowl was when the lady tried to climb over people on the airplane and ended up in the man's lap. That is me every time I try to fly home- well, not the ending up in someone's lap part, but the getting trapped by the window while having to pee part.

-My favorite TV show is The Office and I don't even work in an office. I regularly laugh quite loudly while watching. And if Pam and Jim don't get together, I might die.

-I finally saw that penguin movie and it was even better than everyone said. Especially on our TV. I felt like I was there, except it didn't smell bad, and I bet all of those penguins smashed together in one place would be really really smelly.

-I was sad that Sheryl Crow and Lance Armstrong broke up.

-Billy got an iPod. They're really all they're cracked up to be.

-In one week I broke both our computer and our printer. I broke the computer the day after the warrantee ran out. Typical.

-We haven't turned our heat on all winter and our apartment temperature is averaging about 85 degrees. I don't know if our neighbors below are running a hot stove yoga studio, or what, but I am worried about how expensive it will be to keep this place cool in the summer.

That's all for now.