Dear Nora

Dear Nora,

I know you have been wondering, in your own 11 month old way, why I have been leaving you with strangers all day.  Someday when you are older you might wonder why I chose to put you in full time day care even though, financially, I didn’t have to.  There are people who would tell you that a mother should sacrifice everything for her child-- that the mother’s needs are unimportant in comparison to what’s “best” for the baby.  Others might think it is selfish for me to ask you to make this difficult transition so that I can commit more of my time to my schoolwork.  I wanted to write down all the things I’ve been telling you about why we’ve decided that this course of action is the one that’s best for our family, so that someday if you ever wonder, you can look here and be reminded.  And because sometimes I miss you so badly in the daytime that I need a reminder, too.

I believe it is important for mothers who want to work outside the home to have the opportunity to do so.  As a working woman, I know that having a career has increased my sense of self worth.  It has given me the chance to be of service to others, which makes me feel better about my place in the world. It has shown me that I have plenty of skills, knowledge, and expertise that make me valuable.  It has given me intellectual stimulation and fulfillment.  These things make me a happy and content person, and that helps me to be a better wife to your dad and a better mom to you.

Being your mom is my best job.  The rewards of watching you grow and helping you learn surpass the rewards of any other job I’ve ever had, not just by a mile, but by a marathon.  However, you will not always need me the way you have needed me up until now.  You’ve already learned to go to sleep on your own, to move yourself around the room, and to feed yourself.  I don’t think it’s fair for me to continue to rely on you to be the sole source of my self worth.  Making me happy and content should not be your burden to bear.  As you get older, you will also need me to model for you the things a woman can do.  I think you will value me more as a person and as a mom if you see that I have accomplished things I’m proud of as a person and as a mom.  I hope that by pursuing the things I want inside and outside the home, it will show you that you deserve whatever you want inside and outside the home, too.

Although it has some drawbacks, I think it is good for you to be at school, too. You already enjoy more stimulation than I can give you, which I know because some of your happiest moods are when you’re around a lot of people or in new places.  When I spent those few days with you at school, I could tell by the way you played with the other kids and investigated the room that you were going to have a lot of fun there.  I can tell when we arrive there in the morning that you are happy to see your teacher and anxious to get going with your playtime.

I have chosen an occupation that is as hard as it is rewarding.  I wish I did not have to devote as much time to it right now as I do.  It’s tempting to think I should have waited until after I’d passed my comprehensive exam to have a baby, but then I wouldn’t have you.  Until now, the fact that I am in graduate school has given us so much more time together than if I had a typical teaching job.  It allowed me to take off the semester you were born, to spend very few hours apart when you were between 3 months and 7 months, and to spend all of our time together for the three months after that.  If I can pass this test, it will mean that in the future, you’ll get to spend a lot of time with your family and a little bit of time with your teachers and your friends.  I think that will make you the happiest you’ve ever been.  I will be able to proceed with my schoolwork at a pace that allows me more time to spend with you and Dad, and I think that will make me the happiest I’ve ever been, too.

For all these reasons, I think the sacrifices you, Dad, and I are making right now are justified by the benefits they will afford our family in the end.   There’s a chance I won’t be able to do what I’m trying to do, but that won’t make this all for naught.  In life we don’t know how far we can go until we try, and it is unwise to let fear of failure guide our steps.  Whenever we are willing to give something a go, doing so enriches our lives even if we don’t end up accomplishing what we initially set out to do.  If I don’t pass my test, I’ll be thankful that you and Dad gave me the best chance I had at succeeding, I’ll know it wasn’t the right path for us, and we’ll decide together where I should go from here.

Thank you for adapting so well so far.  Remember how, when I picked you up last week, you were happy to see me but you kept playing with your friend instead of wailing and crawling toward me immediately?  That made me so proud.  I’m sorry you’re finding it so hard to sleep at school, and Dad and I trying to figure out how to help you get more of the sleep you need.  Please know that when I am away from you I am thinking of you all the time, hoping you are crawling around happily, pulling yourself up on that ballet bar, and helping your friends drag all the toys off every shelf.  Please remember that this is something I am doing for all of us even though it is going to be hard on all of us for the next few months.    Please trust that Dad and I love you more than anything, and we are doing the best we can to make the best life for our family.

Love, Mama