Dream Visit

Since we lost Dad, I have been undecided about how I would feel about him appearing in my dreams.  I didn't know because with one exception, it hadn't happened.  I wondered if I felt his absence so deep within myself that I couldn't even conjure him up in my imagination.  The one time I did dream him alive, he walked in my front door talking on his iPhone, holding the hand of a three or four year old Vickie with her white blonde hair.  He was talking on the phone, so I waited for him to hang up.  When he did, he said something to me, but I couldn't remember what it was when I woke up.

Dad loved the winter holiday season more than anyone else I know.  Since the decorations started going up and the songs started playing, I've been reminded of him even more than usual.  I've been trying to avoid getting caught up in the thoughts of "one year ago today" because they just depress me.  The end of November is when all the bad things started to happen.  I think that coming up on the holidays and the one year mark has re-opened the wound, but I'm not sure I'm ready to grapple with it, and I have so many other concerns on my mind that I end up feeling numb.

But maybe Dad's goodwill about this time of year explains why he made a cameo in my dream last night.  After a whole series of strange episodes, I found myself in a conference room where Dad was leading a meeting.  He walked up to me, kissed me on the forehead, and said "I'm so sorry I had to leave you."  It didn't make sense in the context of the dream, because he hadn't left anything.  But when I woke up looking at Nora all wrapped up in her little bed, and the memory of that moment from the dream came back to me, I just started to sob.

But it was the good kind of cry.  The dream took me back to the place where the wound was still fresh and real and I hadn't yet had to get used to the idea of living without Dad.  Thank you, brain, for giving me this dream moment right when he was starting to feel so, so far away.  

That was the best dream I've had all year.  I'm so sorry you had to leave, too, Dad.

Ashley sent me this photo today of me, Nate, and Vickie visiting Dad's niche for the first time together during his memorial weekend.  Thank you for taking the picture and for sharing it, Ashley.