Brain Block

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and I don't have time for a thousand words, so here is what I've been up to lately:

I have to make these prioritized "to do" lists to keep from losing my mind.  Today I finally flipped the paper over to its backside, which leads to a seductive but false sense of accomplishment.  The work of these 6 weeks is not halfway finished, despite all the cross-outs and check marks I've managed to amass.  I still have three research papers to complete.  Two of them are under way, but I'm experiencing severe brain block for the third.  It's due in just over two weeks and I'm still waiting for the Good Idea that I'll write it about to pop into my head.  I thought I had uncovered that Good Idea two weekends ago, when I spent two entire days re-reading and researching before writing my paper proposal... but my professor's feedback indicates that this was, after all, Not Such A Good Idea.  So back to square one.  There's nothing to do but Just Keep Playing, I guess, but the difficulty with this particular class is the following:  What do you do when you just don't care about the content, no matter how hard you try to coaxe yourself into caring?  I work in an office, so I do work I don't care about every day.  I know you do, too.  But it's impossible to write a decent paper on a topic you don't care about.  Or, at least, it is for me.  And that's why the paper proposal was bad.  Part of me wishes I didn't like and respect the professor so much, because then it might be less painful to face the possibility of turning in a halfhearted seminar paper.

So come on, Good Idea.  I have a nice, cushy space for you in my brain.  Once you get here, you'll be surrounded by all my other Good Ideas, and you might even bump into a few Very Good Ideas.  I've done all the work; I've done all the reading.  But I don't know how to make you appear except to keep my brain open as I turn page after page.

(Brain Block is some sort of kids book or something.  It also describes my current mental state.  "Writer's Block" is an old friend of mine.  But brain block is new territory, which I am traversing at the worst possible time.)

Mama, PhD

After what feels like a very long wait, Billy and I are excited to announce that 

we're expecting a baby!

At 7 weeks, Baby D just looked like a throbbing bean.

At 12 weeks, Baby D looked like a real baby!  With little feet!

As we've shared this news with our family and closest friends, a series of frequently asked questions have arisen, so I thought a good "first post" about the baby would include the answers to those questions.

Were you guys trying to get pregnant?
Yes.  We were trying the only way Billy and I know how to "try": with a lot of cheerful optimism, advanced planning, diligence, and determination.  Since I began thinking about getting my PhD, we decided that I would finish my coursework in my first year so we could have a baby during the summer between my first and second years.  This time last year, I talked to the doctors, got the screens, and started taking the vitamins.  When I didn't conceive during the four month window that would have allowed me to have the baby during the summer, we decided to keep trying, even though it would force me to take a semester off.  Except it wasn't much of a decision.  It felt like a no-brainer.  I worked really hard to get a full semester ahead in my studies in order to have the baby, so even after I take a semester off, I'll still be on schedule in my program.  And more importantly, we'll have a baby.  Win-win!

When did you guys find out?
On February 12, which was exactly a month after we lost Dad.  In that moment, I learned that it's possible for your heart to swell and to break simultaneously.  We finally had the news we'd been waiting for since we started planning years ago, but I couldn't tell one of the people I had looked forward to sharing it with most.  Wishing I could talk to my Dad about the baby continues to be difficult for me each step of the way, and I'm thankful to my family members who have reminded me how he would have reacted to each piece of news.

When are you due?
October 19.  The timing feels great now that I'm nearing the end of what has been a very, very difficult academic year (both professionally and personally).  After this semester ends, I'll have several months to spend with Billy getting ready for the baby to come.  I'll get to prepare for my spring comprehensive exams at my own pace, as I feel like reading, during my extended time off.  After the baby comes, I'll be home all of November, December, and most of January before I go back to work in earnest at the start of spring semester.

Are you going to find out if it's a boy or a girl?
Yes. We think it is a girl.  At last week's nuchal translucency screening, the ultrasound tech and the doctor both gave us the "educated guess" that the baby is a girl (independently of one another).  We'll find out for sure at the end of May.  (The nuchal translucency screening also revealed that the baby is growing healthily and has a very, very low risk of chromosomal abnormalities, so that made for a doubly exciting visit.)

Do you have names picked out?
No.  We have begun thinking about names, but this feels like a huge decision!  We've also decided that we want the baby's name to be a surprise, so once we do pick it, we're going to wait until the baby is born before we tell anyone else.

How are you feeling?
Now that I'm into my second trimester, I've been feeling better most days.  For about two weeks, I was sick every day for most of the day.  I tried every suggestion Billy and I could find, and though some of them helped, nothing made me feel better.  After I spent 30 straight hours throwing up during week 7, my doctor prescribed me Zofran, an anti-nausea medication created for chemotherapy patients.  It works almost immediately and eliminates the nausea completely.  I had to take it daily through week 12, but since then I've been feeling well enough some days to go without it.  Feeling badly kept me from exercising, which was hard, since that is my best stress coping mechanism.  I'm able to walk/jog now, so that has me feeling better.  I've also learned that pregnancy fatigue is no joke.  I have trouble sleeping at night, but I need to stop to rest all day long.  It's simply impossible for me to push myself to the limits of productivity as a grad student, like I've done in the past. I'm trying to get as much work done as possible while still taking care of myself.  I've managed to stay afloat this long, and the end of the semester is in sight, so I'm looking forward to summer more than ever.

What an emotional couple of months, right?  I keep feeling like I'm going to look back on this semester from the future and it's going to be a complete blur.  I think that's okay, though.  What I hope I'll remember is that I got up every day and did my best to get through it.  Doing the work I care about has helped me keep moving forward.  The baby has helped me remember that at the end of the day, life is in the living, not in the working.  My husband is the best partner anyone could hope to have as we travel this road, and I'm excited to have the opportunity to spend a few more months alone with him before we get to become the family we've been planning for the past few years.

Thanks for taking an interest!  I miss my dad's love, and I miss it already on behalf of the baby, but I know that I'm well loved in his absence and that the baby's cup runneth over-- and she's not even here yet!  The posts might be short between now and the end of May, but I'll do my best to keep everyone updated on the baby and the end of the semester.

(Mama, PhD is at the very top of my summer reading list.  All the academic style bloggers with kids rave about it.  In a world where there are limited resources for women who want to have families and academic careers, I'm thankful to Rutgers UP for printing this book.)

It's the Little Things

I realized it's been a while since I last wrote, and I thought I'd give a brief update on daily life in the Liz/Billy/Vickie/Oscar house.  It's been a crazy busy couple of weeks for me in terms of schoolwork, but I've been trying to stop and savor the nice little moments along the way.

Yesterday, to commemorate three months since we lost Dad, I thought I was finally ready to listen to the CD of "Wedding Ideas" songs he made me before Billy and I got married.  I remembered a few of the songs he'd put on there, but most of them I'd forgotten.  I cried softly most of my way into work, but every couple of tracks he had inserted something goofy, including "The Chicken Dance," which made me laugh.  On my way home after a long day, "Miss You Like Crazy" came on at the end of the CD, and I started to cry so hard I had to pull over.  I realize it's a love song, not a father/daughter song, but I know why my Dad put it on there.  The way the tides have turned since his death hit me really hard, and then I realized it was Natalie Cole singing.  Since she sang the daughter half of "Unforgettable" (an earlier track on the CD, which Dad and I danced to at the wedding), it was all just too much for me.

Most of yesterday was better.  I told Billy that someone must have sent out a memo saying it was designated Pat-Liz-on-the-Back Day.  When I went in to the coffee room, one of our notoriously curmudgeonly professors made a point of telling me what a good job he thought I (and my group) had done presenting questions and leading discussion during our Theory Colloquium on Friday.  Since he is a nice guy but so hard to impress, and since Theory Colloquium is generally such a brain busting experience for me, I appreciated the sentiment.  Later, one of my current professors stopped by the business office to ask a question, after which she reminded me that I had to be ready to lead discussion for 10 minutes during class.  I said I would go first if no one else volunteered, which prompted a complimentary conversation about how I am always prepared.  She told me how much she appreciates that I do the reading each week and come to class ready to talk.  During the break in that class, I was chatting with a classmate from the Women's Studies program in the bathroom when she randomly said "I just wanted to tell you that I love listening to you in class.  Every time you talk I just think, 'yes!'"  I also found some great material for my research projects in the Katherine Anne Porter archives, so all in all it was a rare day of complete gratification.

A few other equally comforting and fun things have happened in the past few weeks, so I thought I'd share them, too, especially since they're the things I would have loved to talk to Dad about if he was still around.

A few weekends ago, before I met Danielle to catch up over breakfast, I stopped by the Annapolis Striders 10 mile race I wasn't running to pick up my award from last season.

I'm disappointed that I haven't felt up to competing in any of the races this year, but it was nice to get my first "trophy" since middle school and to be reminded that during a time when I had more control over my circumstances, I accomplished the goal I set for myself through sheer strength of will.  Breakfast with Danielle was refreshing, too, and left me feeling ready to head home to tackle another long day of homework.

Vickie invited me to look at an apartment complex in Baltimore with her.  I tried to keep my opinion to myself until she shared hers, but she liked it as much as I did, and she moves in at the end of the month.  The two bedroom apartment seems HUGE for a first apartment, the location is great, and she already has her first roommate lined up.  It has been fun to hear how much she likes her job at Hopkins, and I am looking forward to seeing how life unfolds for her.  If I was a 24 year old, young, professional female working in the city, I would love to live where she's living, so I can't wait to hear about all the fun she's going to have.  (And I don't think I'll mind visiting her at her pool, which is right on the harbor.)

We celebrated Billy's birthday in a low-key fashion, but the weather was nice, our moods were good, and for a few more months he and I are technically the same age, which means he can't call me old!  He also agreed to spend our anniversary weekend attending the US vs. Spain Davis Cup tie in Austin, Texas, which I am really excited about.  I've always wanted to watch Davis Cup tennis, I've always wanted to go to Austin, and it's been a while since Billy and I got to go away alone together, so I am really looking forward to the trip.

Baseball season opened and the Orioles are off to a promising start.  They've already won a bunch of games, and more importantly for me, they look like they are having fun out there.  They have been like a different team since Buck Showalter took over as their manager, and it makes being a fan much more fun.  It also makes me realize that one person really can make a big difference.

Each year the English department puts together an online-published journal of the best papers from English 101, which is the "intro to writing" course I taught in the fall.  When I realized that one of my students was among the 15 or so students whose papers were chosen to be included, I sent him an email to congratulate him on his accomplishment.  He wrote me back to thank me for all of my help with his papers, to tell me how much he got out of the class, and to say that I'm the first one who ever made English "exciting."  Maybe he caught me at a particularly fragile moment, but it made me cry.  So often students want to blame the teacher when they do poorly, but this was the first time a student wanted to give me part of the credit for his personal accomplishment.  Teachers are so rarely thanked for how much work they do, and students are much quicker to complain than to praise, so to hear all of that in one simple, kind email really touched my heart.  And reminded me why I keep wanting to teach... which was a good reminder to be given.

And, finally, when I plugged in my camera to get that photo of my trophy, I realized that because the camera has been sitting on the dresser for the past few weeks, I have several goofy shots of Oscar burrowed in the bed to share.  I don't know if anyone else finds these as amusing as I do, but he always helps me remember to stop and smile at the little things.  So happy Wednesday, everybody, from our house to yours.  I hope you're enjoying the little things along the way.

(I don't know anything about this book, It's the Little Things: An Appreciation of Life's Simple Pleasures, but I liked the title.)