Holidays on Ice

Happy Holidays, everybody! I hope all of you will enjoy time with family and friends in the coming weeks and that you get to enjoy some restorative time away from your respective "work" responsibilities.

I have been trying to do something for the past week that I am not very good at: relaxing. I am prone to experiencing a certain degree of melancholy when I am sitting at home with nothing that needs to be done. I used to lose my mind by the end of my summer vacation. But this week, aside from being done with school, two things have forced me to spend time at home doing "nothing": I have been sick, and for several days I was actually snowed in.

I have reached the point where I am now tired of doing nothing and ready to rejoin the regular world, just in time to celebrate Christmas with Billy's family before heading west so that we can celebrate the holidays with my own. Perfect timing.

But, if for no other reason than to allow myself to look back on this week to remind myself that I can enjoy doing nothing, I recount to you the episodes of "nothing" I have been enjoying for the past 7 days:

-I have been reading for pleasure. I finished Hunger by Lan Samantha Chang, which easily earns the title of "Most Recommended" book from my reading assignments this semester. It includes a novella, which we were assigned, and several short stories, which were not assigned and thus not read until this week. But the stories are delicious and were the perfect way to begin this week of melancholy-tinged nothing. I have also begun a memoir which I am really enjoying, but which I will not name here because I am reading it in order to make sure it is a good gift to give Mom for Christmas. I also read, cover to cover, my favorite issue of Esquire that comes all year, the "Meaning of Life" issue. If you will be traveling this holiday season, it would be a great one to pick up for the flight.

-I have been sitting in front of my television. This has included catching up with Kelly Ripa and Ellen Degeneres, who had both disappeared from my life starting in August. I also watched three episodes of Glee, the Biggest Loser "where are they now?" special I missed several weeks ago, and the Carrie Underwood Variety Special (though I had to fast-forward the "variety" bits. Sorry, Carrie). I completed the requisite holiday season viewing of "Love Actually," and cried this year during the funeral scene upon realizing that Liam Neeson actually did lose his wife this year. Normally I only cry during the scenes with Laura Linney. Billy and I enjoyed the annual viewing of "Elf" together, which has been our tradition ever since we saw it six years ago on our first date. (Six years?! Wow.)

-I have been sleeping. Whenever the fancy strikes me. This, too, has been delicious.

-I've been playing with Oscar. He has been rather spoiled this past week, but he deserves it.

-I've been spending time with Billy!! Without ever having to think about what homework assignment will have to be sacrificed in order to enjoy time with my husband.

-I have NOT been exercising. This has been the only part that sucks. I am tired of being sick, and am glad I am finally starting to feel better. This sickness has allowed me, though, to discover the blissful relief of the Neti Pot, which I might continue using even when I am well.

Just in case you were beginning to think I have been too indulgent, I did actually have to report to work two days. I had to work from home a third day even though campus was closed because of the snow. This return to work allowed me to collect the office Christmas cards, however, which were surprisingly personal and kind this year. I generally view my job as a means-to-an-ends-- a necessary evil that allows me to pursue the work that is really important to me. I don't find the work I do rewarding in itself, but it was nice to hear that my supervisors appreciate my hard work, recognize my efficiency, and enjoy having me in the office. It helped me recognize the ways that my work facilitates the department's ability to do the work that I do think is important, so I am thankful for that, as well.

With that, I am signing off for the year, and looking forward to sharing more with you in 2010!

(Holidays on Ice is David Sedaris's collection of holiday short stories, which includes the particularly hilarious but disturbing The SantaLand Diaries. He also read a version of this story on NPR's This American Life, and you can listen to the whole episode here.)

Winter Dreams

We are officially snowed in!! And it's not even Winter yet (officially).

Around 1:30, we took Oscar for a walk to the mailbox. Oscar usually loves the snow, but this was too much for him. After a few well-intentioned leaps around in the deep stuff, we had to take him into the car ruts so he could walk.

When we got to the mailbox, he sat down. I couldn't believe it.

I convinced Billy that we should let him off the leash because he couldn't get very far. He took off running, back along the car ruts, until he got to the turn-off for our house. He ran under the neighbor's minivan and we had to pull him out.

As soon as he got back on the porch, he shook like crazy.

Billy was taking hourly observations on our patio table. The final total was just over 18 inches, but some areas got more than two feet!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

I took some photos on Sunday morning after the snow had stopped. This is the most snow Maryland has had since 2003, and it's definitely the biggest storm I've seen here.

Oscar supervising.

I'm not going anywhere any time soon!

Billy did a good job forecasting for the storm. He started mentioning that we might get snow on Monday or Tuesday, and by Thursday morning he told me we would definitely get a good accumulation. This meant we got to the store to stock up on food on Thursday evening, before there were any crowds. He predicted 18" to 26" for the Baltimore and Washington areas, and that turned out to cover the various snowfall totals around the area. Below is the forecast map he posted online before the storm.

It doesn't look like it's going to melt any time soon, so I might be in for my first White Christmas!

("Winter Dreams" is a short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald. It's The Great Gatsby's chronological and thematic pre-cursor. I once ran out of time in my school year to teach The Great Gatsby, so we spent a week on "Winter Dreams" and discussed almost all the same issues. Thereafter, several students decided to read Gatsby voluntarily, which is probably the same number who would have actually read the whole thing if I had assigned it in the first place.)

The Leaning Tower

Good Morning from Winter Break!

I finished my paper, and thus, my semester! I managed to complete it on time to meet friends for dinner, drinks, and trivia on Wednesday night, which was a nice way to feel like a regular person again. Yesterday morning I did one final read-through of the paper before submitting it to my professor. I am pretty happy with how it turned out, so turning it in was a big relief.

It has been a really grueling semester. My body has evidently given in; I woke up yesterday sick. I very rarely get sick, but this time I definitely understand. I stayed well through the campus swine flu outbreak, and I didn't catch the illness that had Billy sidelined for several days, either of which would have made it hard for me to hit all the deadlines I had this semester. I think this is my body's way of saying, ENOUGH! I appreciate it holding off until my work was all done.

So today, since my boss told me stay home from work, I am huddled in on my couch with Oscar getting ready to watch Love, Actually. Billy has been telling me all week that we were going to get snow this weekend, and the closer it gets, the more probable it seems that we will be getting a LOT of snow. Check back this weekend for photos!

Thanks to everyone for your support and words of encouragement through this exhausting semester. I am really looking to spending time with friends and so much of my family over the break! I'm also looking forward to next semester, when I have a considerably lighter load and can really enjoy my life as a grad student AND a regular person.

And, by the time school starts up again, the Aussie Open will have already begun!!

("The Leaning Tower" is the final short story in The Collected Stories of Katherine Anne Porter; it's the one I didn't get to in August before my semester started. I can't wait to begin it this weekend.)

Work

I have a confession to make: my job is really easy. Although I have been busier in the past six months than I was before that, it's never hard work. I like the people I work with, and going to work usually means giving myself a break from the mental exhaustion of my schoolwork. Also, Billy and I usually spend the entire day chatting on gmail messenger.

This means that for me, the weekends are generally much more exhausting than the weekdays, because they are devoted to real, hard work. Friday, we decorated our tree, so it is finally beginning to look at least a little bit like Christmas. Yesterday was also nice break; we watched Navy beat Army AGAIN and went out in Baltimore for a friend's goodbye party (he's moving to Alabama to pursue his PhD). But today has been work, work, work on this Anne Askew paper, which is the only thing that stands between me and my winter break from school.


So, truth be told, I am looking forward to going into "work" tomorrow and relaxing for a few hours before I return home to tackle this Early Modern Martyr. And I cannot WAIT for this coming weekend, when I will get to really enjoy some rest and relaxation, at home with my husband.

(Work is a little-known novel by Louisa May Alcott about a young woman who (gasp) has to work. I confess to only having read about it, and though I hear it is a little Horatio Alger-esque, I like the premise.)

Computer Security: Art and Science

Grades are in-- BILLY IS DONE WITH HIS MASTER'S DEGREE!! And is done with school forever!!!!

And, as he just told Oscar, he's "the only master in this house!!"

(Computer Security: Art and Science is Billy's textbook from this semester. I am surprised he has not thrown it out the window. Worst. Class. Ever.)

The Portrait of a Lady

My PhD application has been submitted!!! It is now officially out of my hands. Last I heard, there have been more than 200 applications submitted for a mere 6 spots.

All along, I have been repeating to myself (and Billy has been repeating to me) that all I could do was my best. I knew that in order to not feel like a failure, whether I am accepted or not, I would have to do everything I possibly could to strengthen my application. I can honestly say that I've done that, and that I believe my writing sample represents the best work I have done yet. In the future, I won't have to look back and think, "If I had only..."

So now, the waiting game begins. Last year, they notified accepted students on February 12.

I thought those of you who have followed along on this journey with me might like to read my "personal statement," which I had to submit to explain why I wanted to apply to the program. I paste that here for those who may be interested. I only ask that if you find any mistakes, you kindly never bring them to my attention. : ) How do you sum yourself up in fewer than 2000 words? This was the best I could do.

-----------------

In the final semester of my undergraduate program, I enrolled in a course called “Literature of the Great War.” I began to recognize that the post-war period was a remarkable time of literary production during which literature played an important role in the cultures of the countries involved. I couldn’t help feeling disappointed, though, that the only women’s works we read were a few excerpts from a collection titled Women’s Writing of the First World War, and that from the collection, my professor chose European women’s works exclusively. I began asking the types of questions then that continue to engage me now, five years later. What did the Great War mean to women who were U.S. Citizens? Why does there seem to be an assumption that women who were not in the trenches did not “experience” the war? How did American women represent their own war experiences in fiction? In what ways might the works of these women have influenced the lives of both men and women living in the United States? After teaching high school English for four years, I enrolled in graduate school to enhance my literary studies education and to return to working with these questions. I hope to have the opportunity to continue investigating this line of inquiry as a doctoral student at the University of Maryland.

Thinking through these questions about women's literature of the Great War has been one focus of my studies as a Master's student here at Maryland. In my first two semesters, I researched and wrote about Charlotte Perkins Gilman's Herland, the character of Éowyn in J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings, and Willa Cather's The Professor's House. Herland, written in 1915, depicts an all-female utopia that can be seen as Gilman's response to the conflict of the Great War, but the novel is not given much academic attention. I would like to begin working with other women writers whose work enjoyed wide readership after the war but is now rarely read, including the fiction written by Cather's good friend, Dorothy Canfield Fisher. Very few articles about Éowyn have been published, but by including her in his mythology, Tolkien demonstrates an understanding of how British women wrote about their Great War experiences. Working with these texts has encouraged me to consider the ways in which gender functions within these types of works and also how gender has impacted their critical reception. Cather's The Professor's House has helped me take my interest in “war” texts and extend it into considering questions about representation and aesthetics.

I have also begun conducting research about Katherine Anne Porter, whose depiction of the Great War in Pale Horse, Pale Rider motivated me to study her at more length. Within the University’s Katherine Anne Porter Collection, I have thus far focused on reading the marginalia Porter wrote in her books about the Great War and those written by Cather. Porter published writings about Cather and both World Wars, and I have found that her marginalia elaborates in interesting ways upon the attitudes she documented in print. The collection's curator, Dr. Beth Alvarez, has been enthusiastic about helping me with this research. I anticipate that Porter will be an important figure in the work I'd like to do concerning women's Great War writing, and acceptance into the doctoral program at Maryland would allow me to continue working with Dr. Alvarez to conduct research on Porter that cannot be done anywhere else.

While I continue to focus on the ways women wrote about the Great War, I have also endeavored to ensure that my literary studies education is comprehensive. In addition to pursuing classes that meet the M.A. distribution requirements, I enrolled in the Introduction to the Discipline course that Dr. Chuh began offering this year. Learning about the concerns that are currently driving research in our professors' various specialties has helped me to think about ways that my work can engage with other fields. Dr. Kirschenbaum's presentation, in particular, has encouraged me to find out how I might be able to incorporate the Digital Humanities into my own research. I have also focused on strengthening my understanding of critical and literary theory, to which I had very little exposure as an undergraduate. In my first semester, I took English 602 with Dr. Chuh, which helped me establish a general foundation in critical theory and literary criticism across different time periods. I have enrolled in the Critical Theory Colloquium for the past two semesters, and I intend to continue participating in this conversation as long as I am a student at Maryland. It has helped me begin to "think more theoretically" and has exposed me to the theoretical approaches that other graduate students are working with on campus. In my second semester, I took Cultures of Theory with Dr. Richardson and developed an interest in narrative theory that has also helped me to engage literary texts with new perspectives. The Aesthetic Inquiry seminar I am taking this semester with Dr. Chuh attracted me, in part, because of its engagement with theoretical texts. I have always been a careful close reader and have enjoyed conducting secondary research. By studying critical and narrative theory, I am challenging myself to apply those skills to the consideration of questions that are larger than the scope of a single novel or time period.

The writing sample I am submitting, Seeking a Sensible Memorial, represents the various concerns I have been pursuing as a graduate student. After writing about Cather's The Professor's House last spring, I began researching the correlation between this novel and Cather’s earlier “war” novel, One of Ours, with the guidance of Dr. Mallios. During Dr. Chuh's seminar, I decided to apply theoretical pressure to the conclusions I was forming about these two texts. The end result, I believe, demonstrates the ways in which my engagement with historical research and critical theory allows me to examine and interpret literary texts in original ways. I am very excited about my findings, but because I have been working on this paper all semester, the feedback I've gotten from professors has been limited to the conversations I've had with them about my project. I intend to use the criticism Dr. Chuh and Dr. Mallios provide to develop this writing sample into my Master’s writing project. While I believe I've identified a plausible explanation for why Cather changes her artistic techniques from one novel to the next, I hope to examine in more depth how her gender and the stereotypes of narratives written by women versus narratives written by men might have informed this decision. Although I have not yet had the chance to study with Dr. Lindemann, who has been on leave this semester, her writings on Cather have helped to inform my own perspective, so I hope to have the opportunity to work with her in the future, as well.

While strengthening my own education has been the focus of much of my graduate study, I am also deeply devoted to the practice of teaching. I genuinely enjoyed the four years I spent as a high school English teacher in southern Maryland, and I left the profession only because the state's testing requirements interfered with my ability to choose my own teaching methods. I care a great deal about ethical pedagogy, and it became increasingly difficult for me to stand in front of students and ask them to memorize only those skills that would be assessed on the state test. I believe my teaching experience has given me a perspective on literary studies that enhances my thinking and forces me to constantly consider the implications of different teaching practices. I am deeply invested in developing new and better ways to illuminate the subject matter for my students while encouraging them to think critically. These interactions with my students also further my own intellectual development. Taking Approaches to College Composition in my first semester helped me begin to think about the ways I can apply my teaching experience to the college classroom. I am confident that teaching within the First Year Writing Program and working with the faculty members here at Maryland would be invaluable to me as I move forward in my career as an educator.

Since I began thinking about applying to the Ph.D. program, I have taken advantage of every opportunity I could find in order to ensure that this was best "next step" for me. In addition to my Katherine Anne Porter research, and the non-required courses in which I have enrolled, I have been working on branching out within the academic community. Dr. Flieger suggested that I consider seeking publication for my seminar paper, so as a first step, I submitted it to the CUNY Graduate Center’s conference for consideration. Dr. Richardson also recommended that I revise the paper I wrote in his class for publication, and I was pleased that it was accepted for the Publications Workshop this semester. Being the only MA student in a workshop with Dr. Auerbach and peers who are several years farther along in their studies has been a remarkable opportunity to become a stronger thinker and writer. The International Society for the Study of Narrative has already accepted this paper for presentation at their yearly conference this spring, and I have also submitted it to the GEO conference for consideration. I intend to use the very helpful feedback provided by Dr. Auerbach and my classmates to help me revise the paper over the winter break so that it is ready to be presented and submitted for publication.

It has also been important to me to make sure Maryland was a place where I wanted to continue to study. To this end, I accepted the GEO President's request to serve as one of the graduate student Departmental Assembly representatives, and I have attended every meeting the graduate program has held about the future of the department and the program. These meetings have given me faith in the graduate program, because despite the obstacles it currently faces, I am convinced that the faculty members are deeply committed to preserving its integrity. My positive interactions with professors both in my courses and in my work as a Graduate Assistant in the Main English Office also persuade me that Maryland will continue to be an excellent place at which to study English.

All of these pursuits have placed significant demands upon my time beyond the hours I've devoted to the rigorous workload I carry as a Maryland M.A. student. I always feel like there is more work to do than time in which to do it, but these endeavors continue to reaffirm my conviction that I want pursue my Ph.D. here. Rather than wishing I had less work to do, I always find myself wishing I had more time to do the work that sustains me. I sincerely believe it is a privilege to be an English graduate student, particularly at the University of Maryland, and I have always taken that privilege very seriously. I hope I have demonstrated through my commitment to thinking, learning, researching, and teaching that I am qualified to continue my studies as a doctoral student.

---------------

(The Portrait of a Lady is Henry James's story of a young American woman trying to find her way in Europe. I knew things did not turn out well for her, so I did not expect to like it, but I loved it. Thanks, Dr. Auchard.)

A Jury of Her Peers

Let's face it: academics sometimes give themselves a bad reputation. Working in the office of a nationally ranked English department, I've seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. There are quite a few professors who are genuinely kind, appreciative, thoughtful people. There are some who think they are more important than those of us working in the office, and whose air of superiority is hard to miss. And then there are those who make it clear that they think they come from some kind of superior stock. I've actually heard this phrase uttered: "Don't you know who I am?" It doesn't matter who you "are": the answer to this question is always the same. If you're asking it, you're an asshole. In this environment comprised of individuals with vastly different egos, blazing a path for myself as timesheet approver/paycheck sorter/graduate student has been generally rewarding but sometimes unbelievably upsetting. Anytime I come across a successful academic who seems like a sincere, thoughtful, kind person, I find it exceptionally refreshing. Such was the case yesterday afternoon when Elaine Showalter came to campus to speak about her new book.

There are few academics who are more successful than Elaine Showalter. I know of her because I've read excerpts from her wildly successful Teaching Literature. I've heard about but haven't yet read A Literature of Their Own. Upon finding out that she was going to be speaking about her latest project, A Jury of Her Peers: American Women Writers from Anne Bradstreet to Annie Proulx, I knew I had to go. It didn't matter that I didn't have time on an afternoon four days before my PhD application was due, or that it would force me to sit in miserable Friday evening rush hour traffic: I had to go.

A Jury of Her Peers is the first comprehensive literary history of American women writers. Showalter wrote the entire thing herself. And somehow, while talking about the topic I have been slaving away with the hopes of continuing to study for the next four years, she managed to calm a lot of the fears I have about diving into the pool of sharks that academia sometimes feels like.

She said to be confident in your opinion, and to assert it with conviction, but to expect that no one will agree with you. This will keep you confident and humble.

She said that professors should consider teaching to be the most important thing they do, even more important than their own research. (I hope some of our professors were listening.)

She said that literary anthologies, in an attempt to accomodate more writers, and more points of view, and to break down the literary canon, have gotten too large to be manageable and have thus become "editorial octomoms." (Did I mention that she made waves in academia by writing for People Magazine and Vogue?)

She said that each person should feel comfortable declaring their own point of view, and that by staking a definitive claim, we create a space where our critics can think seriously and generatively about why they disagree with us.

She said that women should not be afraid to "Make a little trouble, make a little space."

And she reminded me that the work I'm doing, and the work I want to do, is important. Hemingway and Dos Passos and Fitzgerald are exceptional, but so are Cather and Porter and Canfield Fisher. And they still don't get enough attention. And their narratives still aren't recognized by much of academia, not to mention mainstream America.

For several weeks, I've been trying to find my second wind. Thanks, Dr. Showalter, for blowing into town with brilliance and humor to fill my sails.

Want to know more about the book? Elaine Showalter discusses it here.

----

In other news, Clara Hoffmann turns 1 today! It's hard to believe how much the little bug has changed in just a year!

And my college roommate, Jolene, gave birth just after midnight to Jacob Carl Clearwater. Welcome to the world, Jacob! December 5 is a good day to be born!

The Weight of Glory

When lifting weights, I usually try to do 3 sets of 10-15 reps. By rep 5 or 6 of the third set, I can hardly lift the stack. I have to stop and take a few deep breaths, then do one or two more reps, and then stop to take several more deep breaths. If I am trying to add weight, the third set takes as long to get through as the first two combined.

This is what I have been doing all day with this Writing Sample. It's almost finished. It's due one week from today. I'm just trying to go through the paper and weave in a series of ideas that helps illuminate my argument. But it's heavy lifting. I keep stopping every few reps to take a few deep breaths. Or listen to a song. Or publish a blog post. Every time I get back to working on the paper, it seems like I can do less heavy lifting before I need another break.

I do know that I will finish the paper. As Testudo (our Maryland Terrapins mascot) might tell you, slow and steady wins the race.

I do not know how people who do not participate in athletics make any sense of their every-day activities.

(In other news, I found out how to upload all my old blog posts into this blog so I could delete the old one. So in case you were wondering what I was doing in 2006, look at the archive. And sorry if I flooded your dashboard.)

(The Weight of Glory is a compilation of several sermons C.S. Lewis gave during WWII to encourage his Christian listeners. I have read them, and I remain undecided about their contents. They kind of feel like propaganda to me. But, the allusion seemed like an appropriate one in this instance.)

A Separate Peace

Vickie has returned to Valpo, but her week here was a nice respite from the stress of the semester. I had to go to campus a couple days and couldn't fall too far behind on my work, but I had gotten far enough ahead to be able to enjoy her visit without stressing too much about taking some time off.

She arrived with a birthday gift for Oscar: the Snuggie for dogs. His expression aptly represents his feelings about it. He might be able to answer the phone while wearing this Snuggie, but it kept his legs from bending in the fashion necessary for jumping up on the couch, so he was not a fan. He'd much rather lay on your legs underneath a conventional blanket. He didn't seem to hold it against Vickie, however, and he joined her in bed every morning after Billy and I got up.

We got to do some fun things while she was here. She and Billy came to watch my Thanksgiving 10k on Sunday, and I surprised myself by finishing only 10 seconds slower than my best 10k time, so that was exciting. I think Billy must have enjoyed having her along so he could discuss the different runners' fashions while waiting for me to show up at the finish line. We got dinner and drinks with friends in Federal Hill and celebrated a friend's birthday in Canton. What says "Baltimore" better than the Domino Sugars sign?

We went up to PA with Billy's family for Thanksgiving, and everyone got plenty of delicious food to eat. Vickie and I ate more than our fair share of the Paula Deen's Gooey Butter Cookies we had prepared to take. We managed to get in a little bit of shopping, and we went to see "The Blind Side" yesterday before she left. Oscar enjoyed plenty of extra attention while she was here, which made me feel a little bit less guilty about the fact that he has spent much of the past 4 months sitting on my lap while I read. Although he did a fair amount of that with Vickie, as well.

Mostly, though, Vickie, Billy, and I sat around and joked with each other and laughed. Once in a while I need a reminder that if everything else fell away, I would still be fortunate for the people I have in my life and what a good time I have when we're together. This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful most of all that Vickie came to visit to remind me that this is a good life I have. I hope that she will be as fortunate as I have been in my post-graduation years. And I'm looking forward to the week at the end of December during which I'll get to see most of my family members without having to open a book once. (We all know I'll open at least one book. But I won't have to.)

But for now, it's back to Ranciere and the Politics of Aesthetics. After all, time and tide wait for no [wo]man, and there is a lot to do before Dec 17. At least now, the end is finally in sight!

(A Separate Peace by John Knowles is a classic coming-of-age tale about the relationship between two adolescent boys. It's kind of heartbreaking, actually, but I can't help reading it every couple of years.)

Say Please, Say Thank You

I am thankful:

That my dad feels well and has the support of loving family members and friends.

That Billy continues to be such a stabilizing force in my life. And that we have so much fun.

For Vickie's decision to come stay with us this week.

That my family, and especially my husband, continue to support my interest in graduate literary studies.

That my husband's hard work continues to support our family during my graduate studies.

For the opportunity to spend time with Billy's family this Thanksgiving. And for the chance to head west see Mom and the Santa Barbara family and Dad and the Lompoc family after Christmas.

That, although I miss him, Pop is not suffering anymore. And that things regularly remind me that he is still present through each of us whom his life touched.

That Modern Family and Glee air on Wednesday nights, which has helped get me over the hump every week this semester.

That my brother has his dogs and a job that keeps him in the mountains near the fresh powder.

For a home I love coming home to every day.

For the support and encouragement of my fellow grad students, especially Anne-Marie and Katie, during this PhD application process.

That in a few weeks, what has essentially become a year-long job interview for the PhD program will be over, and the decision will finally be out of my hands.

That I still love the work I'm doing despite all the stress.

I am thankful!!

(My dad gave us all Say Please, Say Thank You when we graduated from high school. A little courtesy can go a long way, don't you think?)

Great Expectations

Billy assures me that everything is going to be fine.

Anne-Marie reassures me that writing a new paper to serve as my writing sample is a wise though difficult choice.

Katie says she knows I will be able to work through all the remaining questions.

But pressure is mounting.

The paper is mostly written. I mostly know what I need to read and research to finish it up. I am mostly sure that it's one of the most original, well-researched ideas I've ever developed.

The application is due December 8. Between Dec 3 and Dec 11, I also have to give four presentations in four different classes. On Dec 14 I have to turn in the seminar paper version of the writing sample, and on Dec 17 I have to turn in my other final paper. I'm not the type of person who is debilitated by looming deadlines. I map everything out, I set daily deadlines, and I always find a way to get it all done.

But I keep finding myself in neutral. I'm stalling out. I'm running out of gas after a long, overwhelming semester. The pressure of knowing that this paper is the single most significant factor in the outcome of my PhD application is seriously stressing me out. I feel like it has to be the best idea I've ever thought, the most coherent argument I've ever put together, the most articulate paper I've ever written. In fewer than 20 pages.

Luckily, Vickie arrives in a few hours. She will find a way to remind me of goofy things I did when I was a kid. Like when I walked across the deck singing "Love Potion #9" at the top of my lungs without realizing she was sitting there. Or how we used to have a hand-motion dance to 'N Sync's "Bye Bye Bye" that we performed in the car (um, yes, while driving). Or how we both used to have knees that constituted the widest parts of our legs. I'm counting on her visit to remind me that grad school, and this paper, will only be one chapter in the very long and so far successful book of my life. I'll only become Miss Havisham by developing an unnatural fixation and obsession with this one thing. That, I think, is what I need to remind myself to believe if I'm going to get it done.

(Great Expectations is by Charles Dickens. You know it. You love it. You've all, at least once in your life, felt a little bit like Pip.)

When I Was Five

Happy Birthday, Oscar!! Our little bud turns five today. To celebrate, he will get a blog post, a bath, and a green pepper. Why this dog loves green peppers, I have no idea, but if I begin slicing one, he cannot think about doing anything else except standing below me and hoping I drop a piece. This will probably turn into a week long celebration, because I can't give him the whole pepper at once.

To celebrate his five years, I give you a montage of my favorite photos of him through the years. Blogger makes it hard to put them in order, so they jump around chronologically. Enjoy!

When we brought him home at 6 weeks (which I now realize is too early), he only weighed 2.5 lbs!

He has since outgrown this crate. Hard to believe!

The whole first day we had him, he looked this sad, and we had to let him cry through the whole night. In the morning when we came out to the kitchen and he saw us, his little tail started wagging.

After his first trip to meet Billy's parent's dog, Casey, he passed out for hours.

He wore this coat my dad got him for Christmas exactly long enough to pose for the photo.

Besides peppers, his second favorite food is peanut butter. Who can blame him?

Here he is next to the pumpkin he tried to eat the entire time I was carving it.

When Chuck is around, Oscar knows where to go to get spoiled.

First Christmas in our new house!

Oscar loves Clarice and Rudolph. When they are out at Christmas time, he runs over and noses them almost every morning when he comes down the stairs.

Here he is helping Brent bottle his home made beer. He was happy to clean up any overflow.

Christmas in Bowie- 2006?

Must have been summer-- he's wearing his Orioles collar.

He loves the snow so much he even tolerated wearing this jacket. It doesn't fit him anymore, but he would stay out in the snow for hours if we let him.

Graduating from obedience training! He had the second fastest time on the obedience course, but the winner had much longer legs.

Eating Ty's food.

His favorite toy! He's had it since he was a baby, and it's the only thing he hasn't destroyed.

For several months, his ears seemed disproportionately large.

Posing by the South River, where his parents got engaged... but before they got engaged.

Relaxing at home. When he does this, we call him the baby spoon.

Again with the beer. He started early.

Oscar lives strong like the rest of the family.

(When I Was Five is apparently about a boy who recalls his favorite things, all of which have changed, except his best friend. Seems appropriate for man's best friend!)

Finding Fish

When it comes up in conversation that Billy and I are Navy Football season ticket holders, it's always the same question: "Why Navy?" There are several answers.

1) It's close to our house and gives us a chance to spend time together. It takes us longer to get out of the parking lot than it does to drive home, and after a long day of tailgating and football, it's nice to get home quickly. I believe this is how it started.

2) The crowd is different. A lot of the people on the parking lot attended the Academy or have children who attend. People are kind and friendly and fun to talk to. When Pop passed away, we had to ask everyone to move their tables and chairs and tents (twice) so we could get off the lot, and instead of being mad, the people said, "Is everything all right?" When I told one man that we had a death in the family, he rushed to help me ask other people to move their things. As we were getting ready to pull out, a friend of his came up to offer me his condolences.

Yesterday, some guy sat directly next to my tent and smoked a cigar. I gave him an icy glare when the smoke blew directly in my face, but he just looked away and kept smoking. And kept spitting on the ground right next to our grill. This was not a Navy fan. This is not how Navy fans behave. Port-a-potties pushed over, leaking blue sludge everywhere? That was at the Maryland game (ask Vickie), not at Navy Marine Corps Stadium.

3) Before every game, the Brigade of Midshipmen march from campus to the stadium and into formation on the field. I know they hate it, but I still love watching it. And while I have extremely mixed feelings about what the military has been used to accomplish in the past, I respect what these kids have chosen to do. I have that respect for the players, as well, who will fulfill their service commitments after graduation and thus cannot go straight into the NFL. Navy Football gives me everything I love about collegiate athletics and leaves out the stuff I hate.

4) Navy football is fun to watch. They are tiny in comparison to the teams they play, so their defense is often outmatched. They get scored on quite a bit, but if a mid comes up with a big tackle, it feels extra exciting. (Who could ever forget this sack?) Their size also makes the triple option offense the most successful, and they run this really well, which means they score a lot, too. The games are never boring and are rarely blowouts, so even if Navy loses, I never feel let down by my fan experience.

5) Navy's football team is really good. Most of the time, we get to see a win (and from only this far off the field). This year, they're 8-3. This includes a 3 point loss to Ohio State, a 3 point loss to Temple, a single bad loss to Pitt, and wins over Notre Dame, Air Force, and Wake Forest. They're guaranteed to win the Commander in Chief's Trophy even if they lose to Army (which they haven't done since 2001), and they're going to their seventh straight bowl game. Their junior quarterback, Ricky Dobbs, has scored 22 touchdowns, and is now only one TD away from tying the single season record for a quarterback. He missed almost two entire games to injury and he still has two more regular season games to play!!

I don't know why even people in our own area don't know much about Navy Football. Why anyone would rather attend a Redskins game, or a Maryland Football game, I have no idea. But if you ever get a chance to attend a game, go! You won't be disappointed. If you find us, the boys might even let you eat one of my Old Bay Hamburgers, which earn rave reviews every time. : )

(Finding Fish is the memoir of Antwone Fisher, which was subsequently made into an equally excellent movie. Fisher, who survived a life in foster care that is almost impossible to imagine, "found" himself after enlisting in the Navy.)

Had a Good Time

Once in a while, I need to remind myself to stop and take. a. deep. breath. Today, I did.

Billy and I woke up early this morning so I could run the Down's Park 5 miler. I thought this could be interesting, considering I have run a total of 5 miles since the Army 10 miler. (I've been going to the gym with Billy instead.) It was below freezing when I woke up. But the run was fantastic. I felt good, I finished well, and the course was beautiful. Most of it took me through trails and trees with changing leaves, but around mid-way, the course ran right along the Chesepeake Bay. And my husband was waiting for me at the finish line. Here's a photo I found online of the sun coming up over the pier, as it was today:

After the run, Danielle picked me up and we drove up to Harrisburg, PA, and met up with Erin, who had driven down from Syracuse. It was the first time we've gotten to see her since her wedding in July. After catching up over Panera, we took a trip through the mall, and made it to the sports bar in time to see NAVY BEAT NOTRE DAME!!

It was great to see the girls. I have missed them. And it was great to see for myself that after an indeterminate first few months, things have fallen into place and Erin is really happy in her new life up in NY.

I also returned to discover that my friend from grad school, Anne-Marie, has started a new blog about life in Baltimore. It guarantees to provide a fresh perspective on the city. (Vickie might be interested to know that her co-contributor is a nurse living and working in the city. Nudge.)

I feel rested. I feel ready to conquer the rest of the semester. I feel lucky to have such a loving husband and great friends, even though we're spread far and wide across the country.

And how about those mids, anyway?!

(Had a Good Time: Stories from American Postcards is a brilliantly conceived collection of short stories by Robert Olen Butler. He collects vintage postcards, and in this book, he writes stories inspired by the contents of some of his favorite ones.)