Exam Visual

My comprehensive exam list is supposed to have about 100 books on it.  I went to the library last week to pick up as many of my remaining books as I could, so while my list is not quite finished and I don't have all the books I requested yet, I have most of them in my possession.  This is what that looks like:

By mid November, I am supposed to have the entire contents of these books in my brain.  I'm supposed to be able to speak intelligently about how they relate to my research interests and how they relate to one another.  I'm supposed to be ready to present a comprehensive but specific argument about them to my committee of four professors, after which they will spend the remainder of the two hour exam window asking me anything they want about these books and my project.

Eep.  I'm hoping that by shifting each of these into a "done" pile after completing them, I will be able to reassure myself that I'm making decent progress.  We'll see.  I'll try to post another picture in a few weeks for comparison.

Pre-Walking

It's the weekend!  And that means we're all exhausted here at our house.  Before she went to bed, Nora let me record her walking around behind her rolling toy.  She sure loves being up on her feet!

 

Literary Words of Wisdom: Virginia Woolf

In re-reading A Room of One's Own for my exam, I came across the passage in which Woolf imagines the young woman whose novel she's been reading as a jumping horse.

"At any rate, she was making the attempt.  And as I watched her lengthening out for the test, I saw, but hoped she did not see, the bishops and the deans, the doctors and the professors, the patriarchs and the pedagogues all at her shouting warning and advice.  You can't do this and you shan't do that!  Fellows and scholars only allowed on the grass!  Ladies not admitted without a letter of introduction!  Aspiring and graceful female novelists this way!  So they kept at her like the crowd at a fence on the race-course, and it was her trial to take her fence without looking to right or left.  If you stop to curse you are lost, I said to her; equally, if you stop to laugh.  Hesitate or fumble and you are done for.  Think only of the jump, I implored her, as if I had put the whole of my money on her back, and she went over like a bird. But there was a fence beyond that and a fence beyond that.  Whether she had the staying power I was doubtful, for the clapping and crying were fraying to the nerves.  But she did her best."

Think only of the jump, she says.  Duly noted.

Dear Nora

Dear Nora,

I know you have been wondering, in your own 11 month old way, why I have been leaving you with strangers all day.  Someday when you are older you might wonder why I chose to put you in full time day care even though, financially, I didn’t have to.  There are people who would tell you that a mother should sacrifice everything for her child-- that the mother’s needs are unimportant in comparison to what’s “best” for the baby.  Others might think it is selfish for me to ask you to make this difficult transition so that I can commit more of my time to my schoolwork.  I wanted to write down all the things I’ve been telling you about why we’ve decided that this course of action is the one that’s best for our family, so that someday if you ever wonder, you can look here and be reminded.  And because sometimes I miss you so badly in the daytime that I need a reminder, too.

I believe it is important for mothers who want to work outside the home to have the opportunity to do so.  As a working woman, I know that having a career has increased my sense of self worth.  It has given me the chance to be of service to others, which makes me feel better about my place in the world. It has shown me that I have plenty of skills, knowledge, and expertise that make me valuable.  It has given me intellectual stimulation and fulfillment.  These things make me a happy and content person, and that helps me to be a better wife to your dad and a better mom to you.

Being your mom is my best job.  The rewards of watching you grow and helping you learn surpass the rewards of any other job I’ve ever had, not just by a mile, but by a marathon.  However, you will not always need me the way you have needed me up until now.  You’ve already learned to go to sleep on your own, to move yourself around the room, and to feed yourself.  I don’t think it’s fair for me to continue to rely on you to be the sole source of my self worth.  Making me happy and content should not be your burden to bear.  As you get older, you will also need me to model for you the things a woman can do.  I think you will value me more as a person and as a mom if you see that I have accomplished things I’m proud of as a person and as a mom.  I hope that by pursuing the things I want inside and outside the home, it will show you that you deserve whatever you want inside and outside the home, too.

Although it has some drawbacks, I think it is good for you to be at school, too. You already enjoy more stimulation than I can give you, which I know because some of your happiest moods are when you’re around a lot of people or in new places.  When I spent those few days with you at school, I could tell by the way you played with the other kids and investigated the room that you were going to have a lot of fun there.  I can tell when we arrive there in the morning that you are happy to see your teacher and anxious to get going with your playtime.

I have chosen an occupation that is as hard as it is rewarding.  I wish I did not have to devote as much time to it right now as I do.  It’s tempting to think I should have waited until after I’d passed my comprehensive exam to have a baby, but then I wouldn’t have you.  Until now, the fact that I am in graduate school has given us so much more time together than if I had a typical teaching job.  It allowed me to take off the semester you were born, to spend very few hours apart when you were between 3 months and 7 months, and to spend all of our time together for the three months after that.  If I can pass this test, it will mean that in the future, you’ll get to spend a lot of time with your family and a little bit of time with your teachers and your friends.  I think that will make you the happiest you’ve ever been.  I will be able to proceed with my schoolwork at a pace that allows me more time to spend with you and Dad, and I think that will make me the happiest I’ve ever been, too.

For all these reasons, I think the sacrifices you, Dad, and I are making right now are justified by the benefits they will afford our family in the end.   There’s a chance I won’t be able to do what I’m trying to do, but that won’t make this all for naught.  In life we don’t know how far we can go until we try, and it is unwise to let fear of failure guide our steps.  Whenever we are willing to give something a go, doing so enriches our lives even if we don’t end up accomplishing what we initially set out to do.  If I don’t pass my test, I’ll be thankful that you and Dad gave me the best chance I had at succeeding, I’ll know it wasn’t the right path for us, and we’ll decide together where I should go from here.

Thank you for adapting so well so far.  Remember how, when I picked you up last week, you were happy to see me but you kept playing with your friend instead of wailing and crawling toward me immediately?  That made me so proud.  I’m sorry you’re finding it so hard to sleep at school, and Dad and I trying to figure out how to help you get more of the sleep you need.  Please know that when I am away from you I am thinking of you all the time, hoping you are crawling around happily, pulling yourself up on that ballet bar, and helping your friends drag all the toys off every shelf.  Please remember that this is something I am doing for all of us even though it is going to be hard on all of us for the next few months.    Please trust that Dad and I love you more than anything, and we are doing the best we can to make the best life for our family.

Love, Mama

Nora's Last Monthday: 11!

Nora is 11 months old today!  That means her next monthday will really be her first birthday.  How is that possible?!

She's getting so big!  She used to look tiny for her age, but she's not too much smaller than her classmates who have birthdays close to hers.  She's a little less chunky and growing taller at a quicker rate, I think, but we'll see next month for sure.

I was planning to get her a walking toy for her birthday, but it has become clear over the past few days that she would be ready for it long before that.  It arrived today, so it turned into a monthday gift instead.  As soon as Billy showed her how to use it, she was walking along behind it through the living room.  When I told one of her teachers that today was her monthday, she predicted that Nora will be toddling around at her party.  Only time will tell!

Here is a final monthday collage, from only a few days old up until now!  It's no wonder that when I look at her now, I think she looks so much more like a little kid than my tiny little baby.  Thanks again to Evie and Clara for the monthday stickers!

Daily Report

When I pick Nora up from school, I get a report card that tells me what she did. But the comments from her teachers are way better.

"She is quite a little daredevil!"
"She was giggling during her ride in the wagon."
"It is so cute how she nods her head when you ask her a question!"
"She is really adjusting well. Her mood improves every day."

Yes, sounds about right, yes, and thank goodness.

Week Two

I have seven minutes before I have to wake Nora up, so I thought I'd post a quick update and say thank you again to all of you who sent me notes after my last post.  Whether or not I am ready for the exam depends on whether the amount of time I have to give is enough to complete enough reading and thinking to be adequately prepared for the test.  Only time will tell, I think.

Week two got off to a better start yesterday.  I was afraid Nora would start crying as soon as she realized she was back at school but, as usual, she did fine with the drop off.  I taught my students for the second time, and I was pleased at the level of talking that went on during our group activity and class discussion.  Most of my students claim to be fairly confident as readers and writers so we will see how the class pans out.  Walking back to my office from the classroom, I felt a bit more like myself again instead of feeling like a ball of emotions, so that felt like a step in the right direction.

Nora still started crying uncontrollably when I picked her up, but her teachers reported that she had a much better day.  (They say this every day, which makes me think they must have been stretching the truth when they told me, on the first day, that she "did well."  I guess it's relative.)  She didn't refuse her bottles, she ate her lunch, and she even drank water from the straw cup, which she has refused to do since she started there.  The biggest step in the right direction, though, was that they managed to get her to take two naps.  Each was only about thirty minutes long, but since she was napping for 30 minutes total each day last week, it was a big improvement.

Well, six of my seven minutes are up so I will end it there.  I'm also including a picture Billy took of us yesterday.  Last week was too much of a whirlwind to get a first day of school picture, so a second week of school picture will have to do.  I am still struggling to figure out the best way to manage my time, the commute to Nora's day care and to campus, and how to develop a routine that maximizes my work time, but hopefully by the start of week 3 I'll have a firmer handle on that, too.

Until I am sure I can't

I'm not sure I can do this.  This meaning:  Keep up with diaper changes and doctoral studies.  Balance work and home.  I'm not sure I'll be ready to pass my comprehensive exam in a few months... never mind complete my dissertation.

But I keep telling myself:  I might not be sure I can do it.  But I have to keep going until I am sure I can't.  There are a lot of reasons I'm still in grad school, but the main one is this: whenever I begin to really falter, I stumble upon whatever it is I need to keep me going.  A professor gives me the encouragement I need to hear.  A friend offers me a reminder of something important I'd forgotten.  Billy takes on a little bit more of the load at home.  I read something that reminds me why I want to be here.

I just finished one such book.  I struggled to keep reading it, even though I wanted to.  I could barely keep my eyes open, barely squeeze in enough time while Nora slept, could just barely force myself to pick it up and mute the TV while Andy Roddick played what might have been (but thankfully was not) his final match.  I know this doesn't bode well for how successful I'll be when I am supposed to be reading something I don't feel like reading.

But it reminded me that there's a chance.  Maybe a slim one.  And since I promised myself that I'd put continue to put one foot in front of the other until I was absolutely sure I couldn't take any more steps, here I go again.