Body Shots

We went for our second trimester anatomy scan today, and the doctor confirmed that we're having a girl!  Here are the latest pictures of her:

On the left is an image of her hand, in the center is the "4D" image of her profile, and on the right is the general profile shot.  They wouldn't let us take video of the screen, but it was hard to see her moving around this time, anyway.  Things are a lot more crowded in there now than they were at 12 weeks.

For the most part, she looks great.  She's growing well and she looks healthy.  They changed our probability for Downs Syndrome from 1/8000 to 1/6000, but since the average probability for my age is 1/748, her risk is still exceptionally low.

Seeing the baby was a fun way to celebrate the beginning of my summer vacation/extended maternity leave.  I finally finished up paper #3 around 9pm last night, so today I did some chores around the house, relaxed, and watched the French Open.  My last paper on Katherine Anne Porter came together pretty well at the end.  She is sure to show up in my dissertation, so I feel good about leaving off at this point to focus on our family.  I have felt like I was bringing my "B" game all semester, so when this paper finally clicked, it reminded me how gratifying it is to get it right after putting in so much hard work.  Now I am officially done with coursework!

We have been taking weekly belly pictures for our baby book, so I thought I'd share a few of those to show how the bump is progressing.

                     5 weeks                                         11 weeks                                      19 weeks

Tomorrow I leave for Lompoc to attend Dad's hometown memorial and my cousin Dalton's graduation.  I am looking forward to seeing the family and hoping the cross country flight won't be too exhausting!

(Body Shots is a book one of my professors, Jonathan Auerbach, wrote about early cinema.)

Lothlorien

I remember writing this "just as..." blog post two years ago, when I was taking a class on Tolkien, and I noticed that the sun always comes out for his characters right when things get really tough for them.  I also remember talking to Dad about it.  He thought it was really hilarious that I had agreed to spend an entire semester reading about hobbits, dwarves, elves, and ents.

Yesterday, after what seems like 6? 8? 10? 30? weeks of walking to Mordor, the sun came out for me.  I long ago set this day aside as my "day off" before I began working on paper #3, but if I could have planned exactly how the day would go, I couldn't have imagined it this good.

It started Tuesday evening, actually, when my program director emailed the announcement that I had won the "Kinnaird Prize" for the best master's student paper written in 2010.  (Remember when I did my research at the Library of Congress?  Or gave my talk at the conference in the fall?  It was that paper, on Harriet Beecher Stowe's Dred.)  I didn't win in the PhD category, but my friend Katie did, so that was icing on the cake.  I couldn't help thinking to myself (and, okay, to a few others), Not a bad showing from the girls from the waitlist.  It should be a rule that every time you get an award, you get to share it with a good friend you have always believed in, even when other people weren't quite sure about the both of you.

Yesterday itself began with sleeping in.  Then I drove to campus in the sunshine, with the windows down and the sunroof open, for our Graduate English Organization's end of semester lunch and award ceremony.  I got to chat with several professors and classmates that I haven't seen much this semester.  Trying to figure out if people were congratulating me on the baby, the essay prize, or both was not a bad way to start the lunch.

We had selected one of my favorite professors, Tita, for the "Outstanding Mentor" award, and since I was one of the ones who nominated her, our president asked me if I would collect some comments about her and present her with the award.  I get really emotional doing things like this, but I managed to (almost) hold it together while I read through them.  Tita has been such a source of encouragement and compassion for me this year that I was really touched to be able to tell her how great she was and read the comments others had shared.  She was completely shocked and honored by the award, and all she could say to me for about 10 minutes afterward was "thank you" and "I can't believe you didn't warn me!"  Tita is one of those women who is so brilliant, kind, generous, and humble that she almost seems too good to be true.  To get to be a part of showing her the department's appreciation for her tireless support of our students really made my day.  It should also be a rule that every time you win an award, you are allowed to present one to someone else that will mean a lot to them.  That was way better than just getting an accolade to add to my C.V.

Then I came home and tried to clean up some of the mess I've been making the past several weeks before Billy got home from work.  Then he, Vickie, my friend Danielle, and I went to the Orioles game-- my first of the season.  I haven't seen Danielle in far too long, the weather was perfect, and once I've been to a baseball stadium the summer feels like it can officially begin.

Thanks are in order for my cousin Jeff, the current assistant general manager for the Mariners, who left us the tickets for the game since his team was in town.  We got to see their Cy Young winning pitcher Felix Hernandez (Vickie and Billy knew this-- I did not), who I assume has had better nights.  But the best part for me was that Adam Jones went 4 for 4 and hit a two RBI triple that put the O's up 4-2-- the same Adam Jones the Mariners practically gave away in a 2008 trade to the Orioles for Eric Bedard (before my cousin had anything to do with their front office decisions).  To him it probably felt like winning a best paper award after getting put on the waitlist felt for me.  The Orioles' starting pitcher, Chris Tillman, was also one of the minor league prospects the O's picked up in that trade.

I told you it was a good day.  Extra sleep + sunshine + award receiving + award giving + seeing friends + baseball stadium + 3 of my favorite Marylanders + minor redemptions = one of the best days.

(I don't know how to explain Lothlorien without completely nerding out on you, but basically, it's a really nice and restorative place in the forest.  The members of the Fellowship find themselves welcomed there after they think Gandalf has died protecting them in the escape from Moria .  It stands against the evil forces in Middle Earth, kind of exists outside of time, and has really nice trees and singing.)

Finding Nemo

This has been my view since Friday.  I have been diligently at work on my second research paper of the semester, which has been giving me trouble for weeks. 

I have a great support system.  Billy kept me fed and didn't complain that I more or less disappeared for four straight days.My friends leave notes on facebook, assuring me they know I can do it. Mom even sent me those roses to encourage me as I finish up the term. But this time, I was really worried about the paper.  I thought that for the first time in my graduate career, I might have to turn in a paper I wasn't proud of.  For several weeks I couldn't get myself to care about the paper, which means trouble.  Success always comes down to this: can I force myself to do the work?  Can I give myself a reason to put in 12-14 hour days working on the project?  Normally the answer is a resounding yes.  I'm in graduate school because I like the work and I find it fulfilling.  But I don't love this book, it's almost 1000 pages long, and the topic wasn't coming together no matter how much research I did.  Plus, it's hard to push through when you have approximately 100,000 other things on your mind you'd rather devote your attention to... and you're not supposed to drink any coffee.

But about a week ago, it came together.  I kept reading, and reading, and reading... until I figured out the answers to the questions that got me started.  My mentors always have to remind me that when you answer the questions with which you began, that's when you know you've finished.

So all that was left was to compile all the information I'd accumulated in my brain over the past semester and put it into a single word document.  I had four days to do it.

Since I've been here before, though not quite to this extent, I've developed a set of mantras that help get me through.

From Finding Nemo's Dorie: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.....  (If you know the song, you can sub in Dad's lyrics-- "Just keep playing," and sing right along.)

From The Little Engine That Could: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

From the voice on Field of Dreams: If you build it, they will come.

I'm happy to report that I completed the paper last night and I feel pretty good about it.  Considering everything I've been through this semester, I feel as good about it as I need to.  It's not the best writing I've ever produced, but that's okay.  I know I can write better under better circumstances.  The important thing is that I learned quite a bit about the book, the literary period, and the topic I took on.  Graduate school has taught me to do my pole pumps after completing the task, not after getting feedback from my evaluators on how they think I did.

I walk into my last graduate class this afternoon to give a ten minute presentation on the paper and turn it in.  After that presentation I might find out that my entire argument is flawed.  Maybe this paper will result in a grade that contaminates my otherwise enviable transcript.  But if it happens, that will be okay.  I did the best I could, under the circumstances... so I will, as my advisor has also told me before, put a bookmark in that one and put it behind me.

Have to.  Still have another paper to write before I can begin my 8 month maternity hiatus!

Stork Story

A few people have asked how the belly bump is coming along, or how pregnant I look, so I thought I'd share a photo in celebration of pregnancy Week 16.  The short answer is, evidently, I don't look as pregnant to other people as I look to myself.  Thanks to the Scholar Style Guide archives, I can even show you a "before" and "current" photo for comparison.

     Fall 2010                                                                         May 3, 2011

When people say to me "I can't even tell you're pregnant!", my first thought is "What are you talking about?!  This is six extra inches of belly!", but I try to take it as a compliment instead.  I also try to store it away, mentally, for the time after I have the baby.  Apparently, I'll look "back to normal" to everyone else long before I look "back to normal" for myself.  Getting dressed at this stage is a little tricky; I'm too big for most of my old clothes, but the belly is a long way from filling out the Maternity by Krista Valentine Hoffmann line I currently have on loan.  Thankfully, I can still button my low-rise jeans, and with the weather warming up, I can transition into the summer jersey dresses which have a little more room in the middle. (My favorite H&M shift dresses certainly do NOT fit!)  I've also picked up a few transitional items from Liz Lange for Target's maternity line, which are really inexpensive but work well for my barely-pregnant body (like the dress above).

But enough about me... if you're curious what the baby's up to, here is what babycenter.com says about the little one at 16 weeks:
Get ready for a growth spurt. In the next few weeks, your baby will double his weight and add inches to his length. Right now, he's about the size of an avocado: 4 1/2 inches long (head to rump) and 3 1/2 ounces. His legs are much more developed, his head is more erect than it has been, and his eyes have moved closer to the front of his head. His ears are close to their final position, too. The patterning of his scalp has begun, though his locks aren't recognizable yet. He's even started growing toenails. And there's a lot happening inside as well. For example, his heart is now pumping about 25 quarts of blood each day, and this amount will continue to increase as your baby continues to develop.

In a few weeks, Billy and I get to go back for the comprehensive anatomy sonogram, which will give us our first good look at the baby since 12 weeks, tell us whether or not to keep calling her "she," and hopefully confirm that she is growing into a healthy, thriving baby.

And with this minor indulgence completed, I must get back to work.  One paper finished, two more to go!

(When I stumbled across Shel Silvertstein's "Stork Story" poem, I admit to being a little creeped out.  Medically, the first day of my pregnancy precedes conception, and it dates back to the day Dad passed away, which means that every time I make it to a new "week" I am reminded how far along the baby is and exactly how long it has been since we lost Dad.  So while I don't believe in any form of reincarnation, not even Shel Silverstein style, I hope the baby has some of Dad's characteristics.  If this baby comes out with the creased earlobe my dad and I shared, I will know!)

An Archive of Feelings

I would have called Dad today.

He would have answered, "Hi, Missy!"

I would have complained about how much trouble I'm having with the end of the semester.  About how I can't figure out how to get myself interested in the paper I have to write on Middlemarch.  He would have been interested in the reasons I was struggling.  He would have been sympathetic when I explained that the professor seems to want me to go about writing the paper using a different method than my own.  He would not have been interested in allowing me to indulge in a pity party, so I would have said something like "Well, at least I still have one more week of being able to say I never submitted a paper in grad school that I wasn't proud of."

I think the weather's nice in Portland today, so maybe he would have told me about the round of golf he got in this morning.  Or about how Connor and Caleb's baseball seasons are going.  Or he would have told me something about the A's.  Or maybe all of those things.

(An Archive of Feelings is a really smart book by Anne Cvetkovich.  I read it earlier this semester for class, and then I saw her give a lecture on campus about some archives of feeling she's been studying recently.  In the book she talks about various types of everyday trauma and the importance of looking at the archives left behind by those who experience that type of trauma.)