Finding Nemo

This has been my view since Friday.  I have been diligently at work on my second research paper of the semester, which has been giving me trouble for weeks. 

I have a great support system.  Billy kept me fed and didn't complain that I more or less disappeared for four straight days.My friends leave notes on facebook, assuring me they know I can do it. Mom even sent me those roses to encourage me as I finish up the term. But this time, I was really worried about the paper.  I thought that for the first time in my graduate career, I might have to turn in a paper I wasn't proud of.  For several weeks I couldn't get myself to care about the paper, which means trouble.  Success always comes down to this: can I force myself to do the work?  Can I give myself a reason to put in 12-14 hour days working on the project?  Normally the answer is a resounding yes.  I'm in graduate school because I like the work and I find it fulfilling.  But I don't love this book, it's almost 1000 pages long, and the topic wasn't coming together no matter how much research I did.  Plus, it's hard to push through when you have approximately 100,000 other things on your mind you'd rather devote your attention to... and you're not supposed to drink any coffee.

But about a week ago, it came together.  I kept reading, and reading, and reading... until I figured out the answers to the questions that got me started.  My mentors always have to remind me that when you answer the questions with which you began, that's when you know you've finished.

So all that was left was to compile all the information I'd accumulated in my brain over the past semester and put it into a single word document.  I had four days to do it.

Since I've been here before, though not quite to this extent, I've developed a set of mantras that help get me through.

From Finding Nemo's Dorie: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.....  (If you know the song, you can sub in Dad's lyrics-- "Just keep playing," and sing right along.)

From The Little Engine That Could: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

From the voice on Field of Dreams: If you build it, they will come.

I'm happy to report that I completed the paper last night and I feel pretty good about it.  Considering everything I've been through this semester, I feel as good about it as I need to.  It's not the best writing I've ever produced, but that's okay.  I know I can write better under better circumstances.  The important thing is that I learned quite a bit about the book, the literary period, and the topic I took on.  Graduate school has taught me to do my pole pumps after completing the task, not after getting feedback from my evaluators on how they think I did.

I walk into my last graduate class this afternoon to give a ten minute presentation on the paper and turn it in.  After that presentation I might find out that my entire argument is flawed.  Maybe this paper will result in a grade that contaminates my otherwise enviable transcript.  But if it happens, that will be okay.  I did the best I could, under the circumstances... so I will, as my advisor has also told me before, put a bookmark in that one and put it behind me.

Have to.  Still have another paper to write before I can begin my 8 month maternity hiatus!