Enjoying Every Minute

One of the things that drove me and Billy nuts when Nora was a colicky newborn was the number of people who told us to "enjoy every minute!"  We have been very honest with friends who are expecting babies about how difficult that period was because, going in, we had no idea we'd struggle as much as we did.  We've taken to telling friends, "If you can enjoy every other minute, you're doing just fine." I don't think it's fair to act as though loving your child enough will make every minute enjoyable.  In fact, I think part of the reason we had such a hard time was because we loved her so much.  If we'd loved her less, her distress wouldn't have bothered us so much.

I was thinking about this the other day and realizing that lately, I really have been enjoying every minute.  She is so much fun these days.  For example, this week she has started clapping periodically, which is adorable.  She has also started playing this fake laugh game with us.  When we laugh at her, she responds with this little fake laugh.  She keeps doing it until we laugh harder, so I'm convinced she is starting to learn what laughing means.  Plus, it often leads to her beginning to laugh for real, which is one of the cutest things I've ever seen.

Later that day, when I was nursing Nora to sleep, Billy said "You know how people tell you to enjoy every minute?  I do enjoy every minute with her now."  I think that since we know already how difficult parenthood can be, we're better able to appreciate how much fun we're having with her as she gets older.  I am also thankful to be mother-wise enough to know that there are plenty of difficult hurdles looming up ahead, which helps me savor this stage while it lasts.

Yes, my toy matches my dress, thank you!

Nora the Explorer

I like all the -ora names: Nora, Dora, Cora, Maura, etc.  I like Nora the best, obviously, but I could definitely imagine myself with a little Dora, too.  But because one of today's most popular cartoon characters is named Dora the Explorer, and because our daughter seemed likely to end up looking a lot like her, we didn't give "Dora" much consideration.  Given Billy's natural curiosity and my determination, though, perhaps we should have known that our daughter would develop into quite an explorer in her own right.  I continue to be amazed at how mobile she is despite her inability to crawl.  I wonder, actually, if her ability to get herself where she wants to go by scooting and barrel rolling might be slowing down her crawling progress; she seems perfectly happy to take a very circuitous route to any object she wants to grab.  I thought I'd share a few pictures I've taken recently of our little explorer investigating the world around her.

Lately she seems to like being underneath her jumperoo as much as she likes being in it.  Initially I was hesitant to let her roll around on the hardwood, but she learned pretty quickly that she has to roll gently to avoid bumping her head, and it's easier for her to get scooting traction on the wood than on the carpet.  Once she gets to the jumper, she grabs all over the poles with her hands and feet and pushes the seat every which way with her hands.

The under side of our ottoman also seems to be quite interesting.

Last week we had some time to kill between appointments, but it was too hot to walk around outside, so I got into the back seat with her to wait.  Little did I know that this would be an ideal jungle gym for a 26" semi-mobile baby.

Her explorations make her kind of harder and kind of easier to watch.  On the one hand, I can sit on the floor or couch and watch her go without having to constantly interact with her to keep her content.   On the other hand, I can no longer take a quick trip upstairs and trust that she'll be in the same spot when I get back down, like I could when I used to set her on her play mat.  And you should see the baby wrangling that goes on in the bathtub-- she would like nothing more than to pull herself out of her baby tub to grab the temptingly shiny fixtures in front of her!

"Mother's Intuition": A Feminist Intervention

I think "mother's intuition" is a made up idea that serves a patriarchal power structure, and I want to explain why.  It's going to get very feminist here for a while, so if that's not your cup of tea, you might want to skip this post.  Conversely, if you're one of those people who frequently tells me they don't understand what the point of literary studies is, or you don't understand what I mean when I say I can apply what I learn in my studies to my everyday life, this might be the perfect post for you to read.  

Last spring I wrote a paper on the role of mothers in George Eliot's Middlemarch.  Doing so required me to do a lot of research into the figure of the idealized “Victorian Mother.”  If we think the idea of the "supermom" sprung up after women joined the workforce, we're wrong.  The societal expectations for mothers have never been higher than they were in Victorian times.  Most Victorian mothers didn't work outside the home, but they were much more likely to die trying to have children, they were expected to have a whole gaggle of kids, they were supposed to care for their children without much (if any) help, and their childcare responsibilities were not supposed to interfere with their ability to keep a perfectly clean and orderly house.  AND-- let's not discount this, either-- they were expected to do all of these things in really, really uncomfortable clothes.

 Carolyn Dever has this excellent book (Death and the Mother from Dickens to Freud) in which she examines how and why Victorian fiction frequently depicts mothers as dead or otherwise absent.  What she learned from her research is that the frequency of absent mothers in novels far exceeds the real life statistics of maternal death and abandonment during the period.  Working from this discovery, Dever analyzes how the "absent mother" figures as a vehicle through which the role of the mother becomes idealized.  This idealization of the "angelic" or "perfect" Victorian Mother contributed to the creation of an impossible cultural standard of motherhood to which no living, breathing mother could possibly measure up.  Queen Victoria herself, who had 9 children, was often upheld as an embodiment of the perfect Victorian mother, but her personal correspondence reveals that she actually found motherhood quite difficult.  If the woman with the most privilege struggled to raise a family, imagine what motherhood must have been like for women without her means.

This feminist analysis of the paradox of the idealized Victorian Mother reveals the ways that this socially constructed notion served to limit female power.  On the one hand, the highly patriarchal Victorian culture claimed to celebrate the role of the Mother-- to prize her over all else.  While this would seem to elevate a woman's status, it actually worked in quite the reverse.  Because this standard of motherhood was impossible to achieve in everyday life, the image of the Victorian Mother functioned to bind women to their domestic roles.  The expectations created by the Victorian Mother figure were nearly impossible to meet and literally impossible to exceed.  Female correspondence of the period reveals that feelings of maternal inadequacy were commonplace.  Society limited the power of women by making them feel like their successes were not noteworthy and like their inability to measure up to an impossible ideal proved their incompetence.  Further, attempting to live up to these expectations put these women on a hamster wheel of futility that limited the amount of time, effort, or intellectual energy they could devote to anything else.

So what does this have to do with the idea of “mother’s intuition”?  I believe the widespread belief that mother’s have some kind of psychic connection to their child and can know implicitly what their child needs functions in a similar way.  I’d been told about “a mother’s intuition” so many times that I was waiting for it to kick in.  It didn’t.  When Nora was born, I had no idea what to do with her outside what I read, was told, or figured out through trial and error.  Now that she’s eight months old, I can usually decide out what’s wrong with her almost instantly and quickly mend the problem.  This is because I’ve spent the past 8 months constantly tending to her needs and succeeding and failing in my attempts to perceive her state of mind.  I have so much practice with caring for her that it almost seems to come naturally.  I don’t know she’s hungry because I recognize a special tone in her cry: I know she’s hungry because I know when she ate last, I see that she’s fussing while doing something that normally placates her, and I recognize this scene because it has played out 8-15 times every day since she was born.  As my friend Anne-Marie recently pointed out on facebook, Katherine Anne Porter once wrote “I don't believe in intuition. When you get sudden flashes of perception, it's just the brain working faster than usual. But you've been getting ready to know it for a long time, and when it comes, you feel you've known it always.”  As usual, I think Porter’s right on the money here.

So how did this idea of “mother’s intuition” develop such a strong cultural cache?  I don’t know, but I have a theory.  I don’t believe that women are “naturally” more attuned to their children than men are, but because of the way domestic duties have historically been distributed, women have had to be more attuned to their children.  I imagine mother’s intuition took off as an idea that explained why women seemed to understand their children better than men did.  It serves a patriarchal power structure to suggest that women are “naturally” more attuned to their children: it lets men off the hook for not being attuned to their children and it reinforces the idea that women should be wholly responsible for childrearing.  Additionally, the cultural belief that this intuition is something all “good” mothers naturally have functions as a way of minimizing their own perceptions of the value of their work.  Mothers who develop this knowledge about their child’s needs through round-the-clock hard work are taught to believe that this knowledge is not a product of their hard work but is, rather, something they naturally had.  Women who do not feel like they have this knowledge, or who feel like they don’t have enough of it, are made to feel abnormal and inadequate.  It’s easy to control someone when you are able to convince her that her proficiency at something is not something she has earned, but rather, something she automatically possess.

I fell victim to this myself.  Especially when Nora was colicky, I spent a lot of time beating myself up about the fact that I had no idea what to do to help her.  I thought I should know.  There were plenty of days where I felt wholly inadequate as a mother and even wondered if my shortcomings were responsible for her colic.  I wish I could go back in time and have this conversation about mother’s intuition with myself.  What would I say to myself, or any other mother who feels like she doesn’t have “mother’s intuition”?  I’d say this: Nobody does.  It doesn’t come “naturally,” it comes through hard work.  If you put the time and the work in, you’ll eventually get the results you’re looking for.  And guess what?  Your baby’s father can do the same. 

What would I say to a woman who thinks she possesses mother’s intuition and takes pride in it?  I’d tell her: I hope you’re not offended by my suggestion that mother’s intuition is not a real thing.  I hope you realize that what I’m really saying is that you have done the hard work necessary to develop an understanding of what your child needs.  I’m saying you deserve to be commended for your perceptive abilities and the knowledge you’ve acquired through applying them.  I’m saying that you know what your child needs not because you’re a woman, but because you love your child enough to do what it takes to figure out how to care for him/her.  I’m saying this is real, valuable, meaningful work that you’ve done, and as such, you absolutely have the right to take pride in it.  And I’m saying your baby’s father and your society should recognize and reward your knowledge as valuable rather than suggesting it is some kind of unearned birthright.

And now back to my regularly scheduled program: Jean Toomer's Cane.

Father's Day 10K

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you'll remember that I used to be a member of a local running club.  If you have been reading from the start, you'll remember that this blog actually started in 2009 as a place where I described what it was like to train for the National Half Marathon in order to raise money for the Lance Armstrong Foundation in honor of my dad.  If you're new(ish) to the blog, you probably haven't read many posts about running because I haven't done much of it since I got pregnant.  In fact, I found out I was pregnant immediately before the first club race of 2011; I hadn't been feeling well and I wanted to make sure I wasn't pregnant before I went out in the cold and tried to push myself hard for 5k... but I was pregnant!  This means that after running a race about once a month starting in February 2009, I haven't run a race since my last 15k in December 2010.  


So when I started running again about two months ago, I decided I was going to aim for completing my club's Father's Day 10K.  I love this distance, and I was really bummed to have to miss the race last year because there are a lot of reasons I associate running with my dad.  Plus, the last time I ran this race, the weather was unusually hot and humid, I pushed myself harder than I meant to, I ran out of gas, and I got sick after crossing the finish line.  So I wanted a do-over.  When I casually began running again in late May, 6.2 miles sounded like way too many, but I found that I was able to run 2 miles without stopping to walk after only 2 or 3 runs.  Then I could run 4 miles without walking, and then I ran 5 just to make sure I could do 6.  I actually couldn't believe how easy it was to get back to running.  I thought I'd have to get my lungs and legs back into shape all over again, but I guess that after 2+ years of regular running and 9 months of lighter cardio, the body can go 7 months without doing anything and still maintain a fairly good level of fitness.  The weather on Sunday was perfect for race day, and Billy was kind enough to kick off his Father's Day watching Nora so I could head to the race.  (It ended right smack in the middle of her naptime, so we decided it would be better for them to stay home, even though I was bummed that this would be the first time Billy wouldn't be waiting for me at the finish line.  Hopefully they can come next time.)


I left all of my timing equipment at home because I was afraid I'd try to run too fast; my only goal was to finish.  I decided that if I was still feeling good around 4 miles I'd push myself to finish strong, and that's what I was able to do.  My average pace was about a minute and a half slower than my usual race pace, but all things considered, that was much better than I was expecting to do when I first set this goal for myself.  I loved getting out there again.  I learned that neon colors, running skirts, and those toe shoes have really taken over since I ran my last race.  There was even one guy running in what I'd describe as flip flops, which someone told me are actually called "invisible shoes."  They may be "invisible" but they are not "silent."  Thankfully he was way faster than me because the flip flop sound would've driven me crazy.  The one nuisance of running at this slower pace was getting caught amongst people who alternated between walking and running slightly faster than me.  I hate getting passed in these races, so it irritated me to keep getting passed by people who would then stop to walk, allowing me to pass them.  I guess this is just one more reason to keep working toward getting back to my normal pace!


It felt great spend the run thinking over all the running memories I've had with my dad.  It felt great run hard to the finish line and cross it.  It felt great to see young kids milling around with their parents and know that in a few years, Nora will be able to do the same.  It felt great to drive back home and talk about the race with Billy and Hernie, a friend of ours from college who visited us over the weekend.  I'm not very fast, and I don't intimidate anyone out there on the course, and really, I'm not "racing" anyone but myself and whoever happens to be ahead of me when the finish line comes in sight.  (I have to try to pass this person, always.  Dad taught me to do it, and now I can't really help it.)  But running these races is one of my "things" and it was really great to be able to do it again, this time as a mom.

Exciting News!

It turns out that next Father's Day, our family will have another father to celebrate because Nate and Ashley are expecting a baby!  Look how excited they are about it!!  Okay, to be fair, I stole this picture from Ashley's facebook page.  But in any case, this is about how I remember them looking when they got me and Nora on video chat to announce that their baby is due to arrive December 20.  I kept saying "Nora! You're getting a cousin!  You're going to have a cousin!" for about two hours before it occurred to me that this will also make me an aunt!


I was glad to hear that Ashley had made it safely through the first trimester without too much illness or discomfort and that she continues to feel better as the weeks go on.  They showed me the first ultrasound and have subsequently heard the baby's heartbeat and taken an over-the-counter gender prediction test.  I don't know how accurate those are though so I will be waiting until the 20 week ultrasound to find out more definitively if it's a boy or a girl.  I had already been looking forward to our July trip to Oregon to see Nate and Ashley, their new home in Bend, and the pub Nate owns with his investment group.  Now I am extra excited to see them to hear all about how pregnancy is treating Ashley and what new plans they have made for their lives once they "officially" become a little family.  (Though they might say they already are one because they have three dog children, and I can certainly relate to how dogs make you feel like a family unit.)  I also hope Nora, Billy, and I will be able to travel west this winter to meet the new little cousin/neice/nephew.  Good news, guys: I already made everyone in our family get their pertussis shots! : )


It has been fun for me to hear about how Nate's life has changed since he and Ashley moved in together about a year ago, and although living on the opposite coast has made it hard to get to know her better, it definitely seems like everything has begun falling into place for Nate since they've been together.  As a new parent myself, I am so excited to see how Baby C enhances their lives.  I am sure they are going to make great parents and that their baby will be well loved.  Ashley has a bunch of younger siblings, so she is going to be much more prepared for the daily rigors of motherhood than I was.  Nate has always been great with little kids, and though I wouldn't have known how great he can be with babies, he was so enamored with Nora when he came to visit us shortly after she was born that I know he will be a natural from the start.

I've just finished Mary Austin's autobiography, Earth Horizon, and you may remember that her short story, "The Walking Woman," figured prominently in my decision to have a child while still in grad school.  She writes "a child; any way you get it, a child is good to have, say nature and the Walking Woman; to have it and not to wait upon a proper concurrence of so many decorations that the event may not come at all."  If a child is good to have under any circumstances, a baby being born to two loving and devoted parents is certainly reason to celebrate!
Congratulations, Nate and Ashley!  I will be sending positive energy your way for a healthy and happy pregnancy.  I can't wait to meet your baby and I look forward to learning from your experiences as new parents!  Can't wait to see you in a few weeks to congratulate you in person!


(I do not know what is wrong with the formatting in this post.  At least now it's legible.)

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day, Billy!  I always knew you would adore our child and love her with your whole heart.  But since I didn't realize how much of a test motherhood can be, I only now know how much your love and support of me also helps to make sure Nora gets the best from both of us.  Thank you for keeping me balanced and focused on what's really important.  Nora and I both appreciate all the work you do to give us the stability and support we need to be such a happy little family.

One of the things I've learned since my dad died is that you can experience extreme sadness and happiness at the same time.  To say I have "mixed emotions" about Father's Day doesn't really do the feelings justice, because that phrase has a pretty negative connotation and the feelings don't really mix together for me.  I miss my Dad a little more than usual today, and I feel a little more appreciative that Nora has such a loving, supportive, and stable Dad.  My happiness about Billy being a dad doesn't mitigate my sadness about my dad being gone, and my dad's absence doesn't interfere with my happiness about taking a day to celebrate Billy's role as Nora's father.  I feel both of those emotions simultaneously.  Together, they combine to make me feel a great deal of gratitude that I had such a devoted Dad and that my daughter has the good fortune of having the same.

For Nora's gift to Billy, I purchased some wood letters and planned to pose her holding them in some picturesque locations to spell out D-A-D in a triptych frame I purchased.  My plan is to re-take the photos every year and update the frame for Father's Day.  I am in no rush for Nora to grow up, but as I tried to decide on locations to use, it was fun to think that in the future she'll help me decide where to pose.  This was the first location we used to shoot:

But as you can see, Nora was intent on helping me choose the locations from this year onward.  Obviously she was not impressed with this one, no matter how scenic I found it to be.  After trying to get her to smile in this field, I realized I would have to take her picture in familiar environments to get her to act like herself.  This was a helpful suggestion she made, actually, because it occurred to me that Billy wouldn't care where she was sitting in the photos; he would be looking right at her.  So after a few shoots around the house I ended up settling on these three photos for the frame.

Billy liked the gift and agreed that these pictures do a nice job of capturing different aspects of her little personality.  I hope that seeing them in his office each day will remind him how thankful we both are that he works so hard to make sure we have all the things we need.

I also wanted to share some of my favorite out takes from the photo shoots as a way of saying Happy Father's Day to my father-in-law, Chuck, and all the other dads out there, as well!

8 is Great!

Nora's 8 months old today!  She continues to get happier and more independent with every week that passes.  This month she is getting more vocal and more mobile.  Though she doesn't talk, she babbles, squeals, and laughs pretty frequently.  She still hasn't gotten too close to figuring out crawling, but she gets around by doing barrel rolls across the room and pushing herself backwards while she's on her belly.  She's also very excitable and determined now, so she is prone to banging and motioning her hands around in an attempt to express her wants.  She doesn't pull herself up to stand independently yet, but if you give her your hands, she can pull herself up from a sitting position and lower herself back down, and she periodically moves her feet like she wants to take some steps.  She is finally starting to let the other people she recognizes hold her without immediately demanding to be given back to me.  I've started taking her to Gymboree to play on their equipment and spend some time with other babies, and I can tell she really enjoys it even though she's always the most serious baby there.  She is so busy taking everything in and watching all the different people that she only periodically stops and remembers to smile when she likes something.  At mealtimes, she's getting really good at getting pieces of food into her mouth and is beginning to improve from a mashing mouth motion to a chewing one.  Speaking of chewing, her four top teeth are easy to see beneath her gums, so we think they're coming through soon, but thankfully they don't seem to be causing her too much discomfort so far.  She's taking great naps, sleeping well at night, and able to stay awake and content for longer and longer periods of time during the day.

Her determination, curiosity, and developing body control meant she wasn't interested in sitting still for very long during today's photo shoot.  After cooperating for a few pictures that show how big she is getting in her little seat, she began trying to sit up in it, paused for a moment to peel off her sticker and throw it on the ground, and then pull herself forward into a sitting crouch position.  Once she got herself upright she was very pleased with herself and started rocking herself back and forth.  See what I mean?

Taking her to Gymboree makes me realize that she's still a pretty itty bitty little thing, and she still fits comfortably in her 6 month clothes, but I'm in no hurry for her to grow up too quickly.  : )  What her classmates have on her in size, she more than makes up for with hair-- hers is growing thicker and longer all the time.  Today during "socialization" time she rolled up to each of the three (bald) babies and they kept patting her head and playing with her hair.  She just stared at each one curiously and then rolled back the other direction.

My favorite change within the past month or so is that she's usually awake and fairly happy from the time Billy gets home from work up until her bedtime.  This means the three of us get to hang out together for a few hours every day and Billy gets to observe more of her developments than he did when she was regularly cranky in the late afternoon.

Making Friends

My friend Amy has a daughter, Jenna, who is almost exactly 9 months older than Nora.  We had begun trying to conceive when Amy told us she was expecting, and shortly thereafter we were excited to find out that the Navy was going to transfer her and her husband back to our area after their baby was born.  It has been so nice to have a friend nearby who is a few stages ahead of me in this journey of first-time motherhood.  Amy's been through it all already, but she still remembers everything I'm going through really clearly, which means she is a great sounding board for my mom questions.  Seeing Jenna gets me excited for where Nora is headed while also reminding me to savor each stage before it's gone.

Earlier this week we got the girls together, and though Nora slept through most of the visit, it was fun to see them interacting with each other a little bit.  In the past, Jenna has tried rather unsuccessfully to play with Nora, who wasn't able to engage with Jenna very much.  This time, though, Nora was watching everything Jenna did like a little sponge!  We set them next to each other to take a few pictures, and I snapped several on my phone, hoping to get at least one good one.  When I looked at my phone after the fact, I was amused to see these four pictures which seem to document the different stages in building a friendship!

It's fun to think that as they get older, Nora will start to catch up developmentally, though she may never grow as tall as Jenna.  : )  They're likely to have a lot of fun playing together, and we're excited to see them running around at the Navy tailgate in a year or two.