Early Thoughts on Our New Arrangement

Dang.  5:30am comes quick.

Leaving your precious baby is like soccer tryouts.  Going in, you think you just need to survive day 1.  At the end of day 1, you realize day 2 is going to be even worse, because you're going to have to do all the same things over again but this time you're going to be sore from day 1.

What's worse than pumping?  Washing bottles.

Why didn't it occur to me that putting on mascara these past two mornings was a bad idea?

What will happen quicker: Nora's adjustment to being in day care or her teachers' adjustment to having six new kids with new schedules?  Are they even reading the form I filled out?

You literally can't go anywhere without seeing a mom with her baby.  Even a college campus.  One minute it makes me feel warm and fuzzy, the next it makes me tear up.

It's not fair to put a baby in day care when, in the same week, she really starts crawling and you have to put away a set of the clothes she's outgrown.  You're supposed to get adequate time to mourn/celebrate each new stage individually.

Did they get any tennis in today?  Remember when I used to know everything that happened at the US Open?

What would Kim Clijsters do?

I hope she knows I'm not just doing this for me.  That eventually, I think she will like being there.  That eventually, she'll be thankful to have grown up with a mom who had a rewarding career.

How many baby photos at my desk is too many?

How is it possible that packing the car for a day of being apart from your baby requires three times as much stuff as a day when you're taking your baby everywhere?

Who are all these people walking around my department?  Have I really been gone so long that someone I used to speak to regularly is calling me Melissa?

Why is screaming at the top of her lungs her manner of letting me know she's happy to see me at the end of the day?

How will you know if she spent most of her first day crying?  Her face will be red the whole evening.  How will you know they're telling the truth when they say she cried less on day two?  Her face will get back to normal shortly before bedtime.

Dang.  10pm comes quick.

Crawling

After several months of working on improving her mobility, Nora can now crawl like a champ!  For a while she was barrel rolling anywhere she wanted to go, and then she started scooting reliably on her belly, but in the past week or so she has built up enough strength, balance, and coordination to crawl well with her belly off the ground.  Here is some footage I captured today of her crawling around her bedroom!

She is also able to pull up on just about any surface, cruise along the furniture, transfer from one piece of furniture to another, and carefully lower herself back down.  She is also starting to let go with her hands and steady herself for a few seconds before crashing down onto her bum.  I am in no hurry for her to learn how to walk, but I don't think it will be too much longer now.

Bayside Picnic

Last weekend our family took advantage of the temperatures in the 80s to take a picnic lunch to a park near our home that's situated alongside the bay.  In the midst of our outing, I realized that this sort of thing was what I thought parenthood would be like when I decided I was ready to have a baby.  I often feel torn between wishing Nora would stay small and looking forward to all the new things she'll be able to do as the months continue to slip by.  On our picnic, I made sure to stop and savor the fact that our daughter can finally stay awake long enough for a family outing, and can feed herself lunch while her parents sit beside her and eat their own food, but is still little enough to be amazed at new sensations like sand between her fingers and toes.

Here are a few photos I snapped during our outing!

Milk: It does a body good.

I have this fear that I am not going to be able to pump enough milk to keep up with Nora's needs while she's at daycare.  From what I've read, this problem is not uncommon, and especially as children get older and need less milk, a lot of moms who work full time end up having to supplement with formula.  So I have been pumping every night before bed to build up a freezer stash in case my supply starts to dry up.  My daughter might have to sacrifice my time and attention for the good of our family unit, but she shouldn't have to sacrifice the perfect food my body produces to give her exactly what she needs.  I counted last night, and I have over 20 bottles worth of milk waiting and ready to go.  I really dislike pumping, and I groan to myself every time I realize that it's time to go do it, but I still continue.  I tend to think this is one part ultimate labor of love, one part completely neurotic, so I guess we could say it's a pretty good representation of my approach to motherhood in general.

One thing I know for sure, though, is that between nursing and feeding herself two meals a day, she is getting all the nourishment her little body needs.  She is tipping the scales at nearly 19 pounds despite being short for her age.  And look at all this energy she has to burn off!




I think I've watched this clip fifteen times since I recorded it this morning.  It makes me laugh so hard.  When she starts bouncing like this, Oscar looks at me like she has lost her mind before sprinting upstairs as fast as possible.

Free Advice

Are you expecting your first child? Are you ever going to be? My non-traditional advice is to get yourself a Netflix subscription and compatible device before that baby comes. Vickie got us an appletv for Christmas and since then, in the time I've spent pumping, folding laundry, or nursing Nora in front of my tv or phone, I have watched: 3 seasons of Parenthood, 2 seasons of Downton Abbey, 4 seasons of Mad Men, and 1+ season of Friday Night Lights. I wish we'd been subscribers during Nora's bout with RSV and the peak of her colic. Those first few weeks, when the baby requires so much holding but doesn't interact with you, having good tv on call would've been awesome. I never would have been stuck watching Rachael Ray's show even though I hate it.

I also want to report that Tami's experience with her newborn in the first few episodes of the second season of FNL has been the most realistic representation I've seen anywhere. I wish I'd been exposed to her struggles when I was having my own. She's smart, and capable, and confident in regular life, but an inconsolable baby drives her to desperation, perhaps in part because of those qualities (and also the absence of her husband, which I obviously can't include in my list of reasons for feeling the same way). Conversely, the baby on Parenthood, whose name is also Nora, made me want to scream. She was apparently born as a three month old who laughs, smiles, and sleeps whenever they want her to. They are always setting her down and going about their business. In one episode, an unmarried couple is so thrilled by babysitting her for a whole day when she is a few weeks old that they decide they want a baby. I literally laughed out loud-- there is a 0% chance that could have happened with our Nora. My school friends love her, and yet they still refer to her as "birth control."

Seriously, there are some great stories on TV these days, and I've missed all of them because I never have time in my school life to commit to an hour long program. Thank you, Netflix and Vickie!

Second Generation Friends

As I mentioned in my earlier posts, when we were in Portland we got together with several of my high school friends who have little ones now.  We all met up at Jo and Alex's house for brunch, and after reading along with her blog, I felt like I already knew little Francine.  Jo posted these cute pictures of our babies getting acquainted.

Jo also posted this funny collage of our attempts to get all the kids together for a group photo.  I definitely feel like the succession of photos capture different aspects of Nora's personality, so I wonder if the other moms feel the same way.  

Krista and Jordan also posted some of their photos from the brunch that I wanted to share.

From left to right: Tina and Sophia, me and Nora, Jo and Francie, Rachel and Logan, and Krista, Clara, and Evie

Later that afternoon, we went over to Krista and Jordan's to spend a little more time catching up.  The whole day went way too fast, so I'm glad to have these pictures they took of the girls playing together.  Krista and I have been good friends since we were 10, and growing up I always imagined we'd have kids around the same age that were good friends.  Though living on the opposite sides of the country has kept the girls apart until this stage, modern technology has made it possible for Krista to help me figure out pregnancy and motherhood, so it feels like the Clara, Evie, and Nora are kindred spirits nonetheless.

 We hope to see you all again before too long!

Our Perfect 10

Nora is 10 months old today!

We spent her tenth monthday grabbing lunch with a friend who is expecting a baby early next year.  Talking to her about pregnancy and all its emotional and physical ups and downs made me nostalgic for that period when we were anxiously awaiting Nora's arrival.  It made me wonder, if I could only say one thing to parents who are expecting, what would it be?  I think the answer is this: Treat everything like a phase.  The tough stuff will be over quickly, so even though some days feel way too long and bedtime doesn't come soon enough, hang in there.  Some of the good stuff will be over quickly, too, so try to savor it before it changes.  I can hardly believe how big Nora is, or how delightful she is, or how every day she seems less like a baby and more like a little kid.  When I watch Billy interacting with her, or I realize that I've done something like calming her down in mere seconds from across the room, I realize how much we've changed in these ten months, too.  I sympathize with how overwhelmed and nervous my friend feels now, in the midst of her excitement, and it makes me happy to think that by the time her baby is ten months old, she'll feel confident enough to give advice of her own.  Motherhood is a steep learning curve, but when you start at the bottom, you have nowhere to go but up, and the rewards are better than anything you've ever known.

We love our little girl so much.  We feel like our time with her is moving too quickly, but we enjoy watching her grow more independent, interactive, and inquisitive by the day.  We can't wait to see what tomorrow will have in store.

Today, instead of trying to explain the new things she can do, I thought I'd get down on her level and try to get some pictures of her in her natural habitat.  Enjoy!

(If you want to know why I think my baby has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen, enlarge that one above as big as it will go.)

The other thing I'd say to new parents who are struggling with the newborn stage as much as we did?  I'd tell them it's just a hill they have to get over, and there's a Mumford & Sons song about that.


And there will come a time,
you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see
what you find there,
With grace in your heart
and flowers in your hair.

Birthday Weekend

So far, being 30 has been perfect!  Friday, Billy took off work so the three of us could visit Harpers Ferry.  We woke up to storms, so I was afraid the trip would have to wait, but Billy said we'd have a clear window after Nora's nap, and the weather ended up being humid but tolerable.  The town itself is not much to see, but we spent a few hours wandering around the historic landmarks, walking along the water, and checking out the Appalachian trail.  I loved having a chance to visit somewhere new and beautiful with my little family, and Nora was as curious as ever about the new surroundings.  I'd love to go back sometime when Nora is old enough for outdoor recreation, like more serious hiking, river rafting, and floating in an inner tube.  It would also be a great place to visit when the leaves are changing.

The Potomac and Shenendoah rivers meet at Harpers Ferry, so this is the place where Virginia, West Virginia, and Maryland meet.  The photo above was taken in West Virginia, looking at the railroad bridge which crosses the Potomac and goes into Maryland.  You can't read much besides "toilet powder" on the advertisement on the rocks, but google informs me that it was a Mennen ad painted between 1903 and 1906.

Here, we're standing on the Appalachian Trail in Maryland, with the Potomac and Virginia behind us.  As you can see, Nora was thrilled by the whole experience.

This one I took on the railroad bridge, looking back toward the Shenandoah river and West Virginia.  You can see the supports for the old bridge that used to cross the Shenandoah there.

After we returned from Harpers Ferry, Vickie joined us for dinner, so I got to spend time with all of my Maryland relatives on my birthday.  What more could I ask for?  Well, today was the Crab Feast Billy's family attends every August, so I got to see almost all of my in-laws, as well!  Last year, I was heavily pregnant at the Crab Feast, and this event marked the occasion when the most strangers touched my belly. Perhaps this gave Nora an early clue that she would be a central attraction at the event this year, because she was on her best behavior.  She was cheerful, inquisitive, and awake for four straight hours!  She let everyone hold her for a little while and was happy even when Billy and I were completely out of sight.  It was great to see everyone and give them a chance to see what a fun little personality she is developing!  I snapped a few photos of her with her adoring family members:

And because I remembered that Billy, my bump, and I posed in a photo at the Crab Feast last year, I wanted to replicate it this year with our little lady on the outside.  What a difference a year makes!

Thanks to everyone who sent cards, texts, voicemails, and messages to wish me a happy birthday this year.  I had the most perfect birthday weekend a 30 year old could imagine, and I can't wait to see what this next year has in store for my little family.

Goodybe, 20s. It's been great knowing you.

Today is the last day of my 20s.  I guess this begs some reflection, considering how much apprehension people generally have about turning 30.  I don't dislike getting older because my life gets better every year. These days, I think it's common to feel like you spend your 20s figuring things out and trying to get to where you want to be, and then you get to spend your 30s enjoying where you are.  I certainly feel that way.  I generally prefer to avoid boasting in favor of letting my actions speak for themselves.  But I'm really proud of everything I accomplished in my 20s, and before bringing them to a close, it feels appropriate to take a minute to acknowledge how hard I've worked and how far I've come.

Far and away, the best thing I did in my 20s was seek out and cultivate relationships with the very best people.  I met, fell in love with, and committed to a man who is smart, funny, hardworking, and supportive.  I've never had to question his love or loyalty, and I have never given him a reason to doubt mine.  We created a spirited, resilient, curious baby girl whose mere existence brings smiles to our faces and joy to our hearts.  I come from a good family, and though I decided to move across the country and made some mistakes along the way, I have worked hard at maintaining positive relationships with my family members.  I get along with and actively enjoy the company of all of them, especially my mom, sister, and brother.  My dad died knowing how much I loved and appreciated him.  I also married into a good family.  I've worked hard at learning how to be a member of a family who does things differently than I'm used to and how to learn from what they have to teach me.   I've appreciated being embraced by them, and I hope they feel, as I do, that we're all better off for having been brought together.  And every step of the way-- college, teaching, and graduate school-- I've managed to find and befriend women who are smart, insightful, honest, and supportive.  I've tried to return the favor of their friendship by displaying the same qualities in return.  I've loved all these people with my whole heart and I've tried to put their needs ahead of my own when circumstances called for it.  I've worked on fostering open, honest, and productive communication with them.  I've tried to encourage them all to tell me when I'm being unreasonable and use honesty to help me become better than I am.  These relationships are the crowning achievements of my 20s.

So while I'm about to list my other proudest accomplishments from this decade, please know that these people I've mentioned above are the ones who've made everything else I've done possible, and they're the ones who've made all of these things feel worthwhile instead of empty.

Academically:
-Graduated from Valparaiso Summa Cum Laude.
-Convinced my professors and classmates that I belonged in graduate school even before I convinced myself.
-Completed my Master's Degree at the University of Maryland.
-Earned the departmental prize for best MA level paper.
-Was admitted to the UMd PhD program, with full funding, in a year when approximately 5% of qualified applicants were accepted.
-Completed a Critical Theory Certificate from the UMd Graduate School despite beginning graduate school with no idea how to describe what critical theory actually is.

Professionally:
-Earned the respect of my fellow teachers and administrators in the four years I spent as a high school teacher.
-Succeeded in convincing my students to give extra effort to their English studies, which I know because they made comments like "I think my brain will explode if I think any harder," they greeted me in the hallways with a smile, they came to me to talk about their lives, and they improved their test scores despite my refusal to "teach to the test."
-Gave countless extra hours of my time as Student Government advisor to enhance for my students the aspects of the high school experience that were the most meaningful to me.
-Was offered and accepted a graduate assistantship at UMd that paid me a stipend on top of complete tuition remission for my master's degree; brought a positive attitude to that job and did my best to be good at it, even though desk work was outside my comfort zone.
-Made the dedicated effort to serve my students as an instructor at UMd despite the vigorous demands of my own academic curriculum.

Personally:
-Lived within my financial means.
-Dedicated myself to giving back to my community through teaching and other charitable acts.
-Lived in Oregon, Indiana, and Maryland.
-Traveled to Ireland, Mexico, California, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Iowa, Massachusetts, Michigan, Missouri, Nevada, New York, North Carolina, Ohio, South Carolina, Texas, Virginia, and Washington.
-Attended and participated in the weddings of many friends, all of whom remain married.
-Took care of the things that needed taking care of following Dad's death.

Physically:
-Ran a marathon, a half marathon, several ten milers, and countless shorter races of various lengths; earned third place in my running club's yearlong championship series.
-Conceived, carried, delivered, and nursed a healthy baby girl.

Emotionally:
Learned a decade's worth of lessons, the most important among them including:
-Being right is less important than doing the right thing.
-As an educator, the most you can do is give your students the very best of yourself and your talents.  You have a responsibility to try to engage all of them, but once you've done that, you have to focus on the ones who want to learn from what you have to offer instead of dwelling on the ones who don't.
-The true value of a good education is not in the facts it teaches you, but in the way it teaches you how to learn, how to evaluate different pieces of information, and how to use the new knowledge you've acquired to improve your life and the lives of others.
-The only way to maintain a meaningful long-term relationship of any kind is through open and honest communication.
-Loving someone doesn't mean giving them what you want to give; it means doing the work to find out what they really need and figuring out how you can give it to them.
-If I dig deeper, I am always capable of a little bit more than I think.
-Through preparing and persisting, I can endure misfortune and be ready to capitalize on any good fortune that comes my way.
-I am at my best when I know when to ask for help.
-When you lose someone you love, one way to move on is to keep the best parts of the past close to your heart as you continue to look forward to the future.
-Some aches may never go away.  And you may not want them to.
-What's right for me is not necessarily right for everyone else, and I have no right to try to dictate how other people choose to live their lives.
-If you can't or don't acknowledge the position of privilege in which you sit, it's difficult to give anything meaningful back to your community.
-You should only compare what you have to what someone else has if you're looking to make sure the other person has enough.
-If you treat others with fairness and respect, most of them will give it back to you, and the ones who don't will not have the power to get you down.
-It is wise to be emotionally, intellectually, professionally, and financially generous. It makes you feel good to give with no strings attached, and people remember the things you do for them.
-If you don't like the way things are going, it's up to you to make some changes.
-There is always so much more to learn.

With all that said and done, I'm excited to start another decade.  It might seem hard to imagine that my 30s could top my 20s, but when I look at the people I have around me these days, it's hard to imagine they won't.

Lunchtime Conversation

T minus 24 days

It's August, which means I'm about to turn 30, but I haven't really given that much thought.  I have zero apprehensions about reaching this milestone age.  Maybe I'll post about that later.

What August really means to me is that later this month, I'll start leaving my daughter in full time day care so I can try to prepare for my comprehensive exam.  I'm terrified.  Yesterday, I emailed my teaching materials from the semester before I got pregnant to friends of mine who'll be teaching that class.  I looked through them and thought, holy shit.  I created, taught, and graded all this while taking three seminars, working a few hours a week at another job, and writing for a style blog regularly?  How did I do all that?  And how do I get back to being the type of student/thinker/multi-tasker capable of doing all that?

I wrote earlier about my feelings about leaving Nora.  But the other terrifying side of the coin is that I don't know quite what I'll do when I drop her off and find myself with an entire day of uninterrupted time in which to work.  When I try to read now, I max out at one hour.  I'll have to re-learn how to read an entire book in one day.  My brain and my work ethic feel so out of shape.  How am I going to get back into shape quickly enough to be prepared for my exam on time?

I feel a lot of pressure, too, like people in my program are waiting to see if I'm going to be able to do it. Well, I know most people in the program don't think about me or my work at all.  But some of them do.    I assume some expect me to fail, but some expect me to succeed, too.  I know this because on multiple occasions, women in my program who are newly pregnant, thinking about becoming pregnant, or wishing they could figure out how to plan a pregnancy get in touch with me to ask how I've done it-- as if I've done something significant already.  Which is such a nice compliment that it helps me remember-- I have done something significant already, even if it often feels like most of the work is still ahead of me.  And the only way to keep doing it is one day, one hour, one page at a time.  Just keep playing, my dad would have said.  Pressure is a privilege, Billie Jean King says.  What she means, I think, is that you're only under pressure if there's an expectation for you to succeed.  And nobody expects you to succeed unless you've proven that you're capable of it.  And then, once you've earned those high expectations, you should be aware of how fortunate you are that anyone cares at all about what you're doing.

I also know this about myself: I've achieved everything I've ever really wanted to do.  So I know the real question is: How badly do I want it?  I guess we'll know in a few months.