It's August, which means I'm about to turn 30, but I haven't really given that much thought. I have zero apprehensions about reaching this milestone age. Maybe I'll post about that later.
What August really means to me is that later this month, I'll start leaving my daughter in full time day care so I can try to prepare for my comprehensive exam. I'm terrified. Yesterday, I emailed my teaching materials from the semester before I got pregnant to friends of mine who'll be teaching that class. I looked through them and thought, holy shit. I created, taught, and graded all this while taking three seminars, working a few hours a week at another job, and writing for a style blog regularly? How did I do all that? And how do I get back to being the type of student/thinker/multi-tasker capable of doing all that?
I wrote earlier about my feelings about leaving Nora. But the other terrifying side of the coin is that I don't know quite what I'll do when I drop her off and find myself with an entire day of uninterrupted time in which to work. When I try to read now, I max out at one hour. I'll have to re-learn how to read an entire book in one day. My brain and my work ethic feel so out of shape. How am I going to get back into shape quickly enough to be prepared for my exam on time?
I feel a lot of pressure, too, like people in my program are waiting to see if I'm going to be able to do it. Well, I know most people in the program don't think about me or my work at all. But some of them do. I assume some expect me to fail, but some expect me to succeed, too. I know this because on multiple occasions, women in my program who are newly pregnant, thinking about becoming pregnant, or wishing they could figure out how to plan a pregnancy get in touch with me to ask how I've done it-- as if I've done something significant already. Which is such a nice compliment that it helps me remember-- I have done something significant already, even if it often feels like most of the work is still ahead of me. And the only way to keep doing it is one day, one hour, one page at a time. Just keep playing, my dad would have said. Pressure is a privilege, Billie Jean King says. What she means, I think, is that you're only under pressure if there's an expectation for you to succeed. And nobody expects you to succeed unless you've proven that you're capable of it. And then, once you've earned those high expectations, you should be aware of how fortunate you are that anyone cares at all about what you're doing.
I also know this about myself: I've achieved everything I've ever really wanted to do. So I know the real question is: How badly do I want it? I guess we'll know in a few months.
I like your comparison about having to get your brain "back in shape" because I think it is a completely apt way to think about it. I do think, though, that the way you work post-coursework changes, like focusing on a different sport that you sort of know but aren't used to playing all the time. So I think that retraining yourself at this point is actually a really good time to rethink how you work.
ReplyDeleteI also think that you underestimate how your colleagues view you. I think - and I'm positive that others would confirm this - that you have one of the best reputations among both peers and faculty in our program. I don't say this to put pressure on you at all, but only to affirm that there are a lot of people who have faith in you and your abilities. And when you may not be feeling as confident, we'll be feeling confident for you :)
And it's also okay if "in shape" for you looks different now than it did pre-Nora. I struggle with that all the time myself. Give yourself the grace to redefine your priorities and how you view yourself. You'll do great, it'll just be different.
ReplyDeleteThese two comments above are spot on, so I'll just add that 1) yes, you already HAVE accomplished something, in both your family life and academic world, by committing to both and not being afraid to do so! And 2) no one worth their salt would ever assume that things would or should be the same for you now, but I don't think that translates into lower expectations. Exams do crazy things to us all, but really it's an exercise we've been training for for years, and you've shown that you've got what it takes. So the bumps in the road will be there, and some might see them as only a result of now having a larger family commitment, but the wise ones and the ones who know you won't blink twice if/when you hit a bump in the road, because they trust you as a person, an academic, a teacher, and a mom.
ReplyDeleteThanks for these insights, girls. I'm sure I'll need to revisit them in the months to come for a helpful reminder. I know the smartest women!
ReplyDeleteLiz, I'd like to add to the thoughts about your reputation. Just that you're known around Tawes as someone with gumption, who takes what's possible and just pushes it enough. And so that's just what you'll do. Anyone who matters knows you can do it. And, sure, you'll also figure out how *badly* you want it. But, just as importantly, you're (we all are) figuring how *exactly* you want it. Although there are clear tracks to get where you're going, there is a lot of nuance to any career. Just follow your gut and your imagination. You'll get where you need to be. Also, don't forget muscle memory. You've been a bibliophile much longer than you've been a mom--the brain remembers. Or so I've heard. I've literally read two novels this summer.
ReplyDelete(Also, I meant to comment on your post about sending Nora to daycare while you prep for exams. Everyone must do what makes sense. Nora will be just fine. (So will you!) And the routine may do you all a lot of good. I've been home part-time since Eleanor was born, but I sometimes wonder if the alternating days and hours are more exhausting than they are helpful. I wouldn't ever complain about my good fortune--but I say that because, after doubting myself, I've always come back to the thought that we're all so much more resilient than we give ourselves credit for.)