Once we start talking about wedding plans, I'll let everyone know, but for right now we are enjoying being engaged!
Sunday, April 30, 2006
We're getting married!
This weekend Billy took me to the park and as we were walking down by the water, he proposed to me! We are both really excited about being engaged and looking forward to getting married (although we haven't set a date yet). He picked out/designed my ring while I was in California last month visiting my family, and after it came in he called both of my parents to ask for their blessing and then let me in on the secret. I love the ring he picked out! I have included some pictures of us that we took this weekend and also some pictures of the ring so you can all see how much he spoils me.
Once we start talking about wedding plans, I'll let everyone know, but for right now we are enjoying being engaged!
Once we start talking about wedding plans, I'll let everyone know, but for right now we are enjoying being engaged!
Friday, April 28, 2006
Thanks Everybody
First, I'd just like to say thank you to everyone that read my last post and said such kind words. I know people must have been keeping the situation in their prayers because everyone, myself included, seems to be figuring out how to return to normal.
Tuesday night was Haley's funeral, which was a nice service. It was a surreal experience for me for a few reasons. First, I'd never seen an open casket before, and to have my first one be a girl that is younger than me was a bit odd. Haley's best friend, another student I have, put together a slideshow of pictures of Haley from the time she was a baby up until recent ones, which was nice. The message delivered by the pastor was pretty religious, but in my opinion he did a nice job of trying to explain why things happen that just seem so unfair. Afterwards I was able to talk to a few of my students who were really close to Haley, and that was pretty hard. It was tough for me to see kids who act so tough in my classroom breaking down and asking me for hugs. I was glad to be there for my own reasons, but it also seemed like it meant a lot to them for me to be there, so I was thankful that I was able to go.
Wednesday, Thursday, and today progressively got a little bit more "normal." Kids were laughing at my jokes again, and I felt like making jokes again. Fifth period still has an empty feeling to it, but I don't think it will ever be quite as lively as it once was... not only because people are sad, but because she was such a big part of the personality of that group. It was interesting to watch the progression the kids went through... they've all known since either Friday night or Saturday morning, so it seemed like Wednesday, while I was still pretty upset, they were starting to feel a little better. I was happy to see her best friend show up in regular clothes and with makeup on after a few days in sweatpants and a ponytail.
There were still logistical things to take care of as a classroom teacher, like trying to figure out what to do about the large research paper my juniors had due today. I knew that I wanted to give the kids who were close to Haley as much time as they needed to get it done, but it was hard to do that without opening the flood gates of excuses about why people needed extensions. I ended up just giving everyone who asked the extra weekend to work on it, because how do you decide who is grieving enough to warrant extra time? I have a student who kids were talking about a few months ago when a member of the junior class committed suicide... evidently she wasn't really friends with him but was going to guidance instead of going to class, missed school for the funeral, etc. The same girl sat near Haley in class, but I never saw the two of them have a conversation, and then the girl told me that she was so upset that she needed extra time. Things like that make me very angry; how could you take advantage of someone's death to procrastinate? And how can you pretend to be feeling the same way as kids whose hearts have broken over the loss of their friend? But I guess that type of person is going to take advantage of any situation they can. There was no way for me to tell her "No, I know you weren't really friends with her, it's due Friday," so I gave her extra time like everyone else, but I hope she has at least a little bit of trouble sleeping at night knowing what she has done.
That petty stuff aside, I think the kids are doing well. They can talk about her and remember her without crying now, and I think that is what she would want. If she can tell what we're doing down here, I think she would be glad to see that her friends were really shaken and miss her horribly, but also glad to know that they are learning to carry on with strong memories of her. Her boyfriend is apparently recovering, but I don't know if he is out of the hospital. I think he has got a very long road ahead of him, so I'll continue to pray for him and her family.
It makes me feel grateful to know that I have such caring, supportive people around me, even if you're all over the place and thousands of miles away. Knowing that I have so much support has helped me be supportive to my kids in a situation that would otherwise be nearly impossible. I feel blessed to have so many people in my life who are genuinely concerned about my students, and it helps me to understand how I developed into a person who cared about them so much that it sometimes hurts. So thank you, all of you, for being what I need.
Tuesday night was Haley's funeral, which was a nice service. It was a surreal experience for me for a few reasons. First, I'd never seen an open casket before, and to have my first one be a girl that is younger than me was a bit odd. Haley's best friend, another student I have, put together a slideshow of pictures of Haley from the time she was a baby up until recent ones, which was nice. The message delivered by the pastor was pretty religious, but in my opinion he did a nice job of trying to explain why things happen that just seem so unfair. Afterwards I was able to talk to a few of my students who were really close to Haley, and that was pretty hard. It was tough for me to see kids who act so tough in my classroom breaking down and asking me for hugs. I was glad to be there for my own reasons, but it also seemed like it meant a lot to them for me to be there, so I was thankful that I was able to go.
Wednesday, Thursday, and today progressively got a little bit more "normal." Kids were laughing at my jokes again, and I felt like making jokes again. Fifth period still has an empty feeling to it, but I don't think it will ever be quite as lively as it once was... not only because people are sad, but because she was such a big part of the personality of that group. It was interesting to watch the progression the kids went through... they've all known since either Friday night or Saturday morning, so it seemed like Wednesday, while I was still pretty upset, they were starting to feel a little better. I was happy to see her best friend show up in regular clothes and with makeup on after a few days in sweatpants and a ponytail.
There were still logistical things to take care of as a classroom teacher, like trying to figure out what to do about the large research paper my juniors had due today. I knew that I wanted to give the kids who were close to Haley as much time as they needed to get it done, but it was hard to do that without opening the flood gates of excuses about why people needed extensions. I ended up just giving everyone who asked the extra weekend to work on it, because how do you decide who is grieving enough to warrant extra time? I have a student who kids were talking about a few months ago when a member of the junior class committed suicide... evidently she wasn't really friends with him but was going to guidance instead of going to class, missed school for the funeral, etc. The same girl sat near Haley in class, but I never saw the two of them have a conversation, and then the girl told me that she was so upset that she needed extra time. Things like that make me very angry; how could you take advantage of someone's death to procrastinate? And how can you pretend to be feeling the same way as kids whose hearts have broken over the loss of their friend? But I guess that type of person is going to take advantage of any situation they can. There was no way for me to tell her "No, I know you weren't really friends with her, it's due Friday," so I gave her extra time like everyone else, but I hope she has at least a little bit of trouble sleeping at night knowing what she has done.
That petty stuff aside, I think the kids are doing well. They can talk about her and remember her without crying now, and I think that is what she would want. If she can tell what we're doing down here, I think she would be glad to see that her friends were really shaken and miss her horribly, but also glad to know that they are learning to carry on with strong memories of her. Her boyfriend is apparently recovering, but I don't know if he is out of the hospital. I think he has got a very long road ahead of him, so I'll continue to pray for him and her family.
It makes me feel grateful to know that I have such caring, supportive people around me, even if you're all over the place and thousands of miles away. Knowing that I have so much support has helped me be supportive to my kids in a situation that would otherwise be nearly impossible. I feel blessed to have so many people in my life who are genuinely concerned about my students, and it helps me to understand how I developed into a person who cared about them so much that it sometimes hurts. So thank you, all of you, for being what I need.
Monday, April 24, 2006
The Stuff They Don't Prepare You For
I never took a class during my education about how to handle it when you show up to work on Monday morning, open your email, and find out that one of your students was killed over the weekend in a car crash. I know a lot of my education classes were pretty useless, but if we could have devoted a single day to how to handle situations like this, it would have helped me today.
I don't know if it should matter that Haley was a good student, but she was. I probably would have been hurt if it had happened to any of my kids, but to pretend that some don't mean more to me than others would be a lie. Some of my students open up to me, talk to me about their regular lives, and find their way into my hearts, and Haley was among them. I have a whole period of off the wall kids who aren't really "students" but have good personalities, and she was in there with them. Sometimes getting through the lesson is difficult with them, but it's never boring, and they're never short on opinions.
I guess the cycle of feelings I experienced throughout the day were normal. First I felt disbelief that someone who had sat 3 feet from me only 3 days ago, and had been happy, healthy, and cheerful, was no longer alive. Then I started feeling awful for her family because I can only imagine how much more heartbreaking the experience has been for them. Then I felt the need to get the details about the car accident which took her life, most specifically whether or not her boyfriend had been with her and whether he had survived. I knew they must have been together, because it had happened on Friday night, and she used to tell me how much she loved getting dressed up and going out with him every Friday. He had been driving, he evidently hadn't been at fault (we had horrible rain over the weekend, and somehow that resulted in their car getting hit), and he's currently in the hospital. We don't have reliable information on his prognosis. Then I started thinking about how for the past few weeks she has been giving me all the new details about Prom, because she was so excited to bring Miles with her (he doesn't go to our school) and she was looking forward to having me meet him. She told me about the dress, the shoes, the hair appointment, the limo, all of that stuff that is the most important thing in the world for these couple of months. Luckily my friend Erin was her counselor, so when I needed to talk, I could talk to someone who knew her.
My first period class is juniors, so I didn't know whether they were friends with her or if they even knew. Our principal came on the intercom at the beginning of class to make the announcement and I could hardly keep it together. Once I got into my regular routine I was managing to do all right, but I knew everything was building up to fifth period, when I'd have to stand in front of the kids who would miss her most acutely. Erin said she'd come in to talk to them, so she was there with me as they were arriving. Usually they're lively, they trickle in, they never shut up until I stand there for like five minutes... but today it was horrible. They all came in, sat down, and focused their attention straight on their shoes. I tried to get myself together to talk to them about it, but I completely lost it. When Erin finished talking, it was silent. I asked them what they wanted to do, and it was silent. I didn't know what to do. For me, the easiest thing is to follow the routine, but how could I expect them to care about "A Raisin in the Sun" when one of the desks is obviously empty? Then I told them which characters they were assigned to read, and I had to modify the assignments because I gave Haley one of the main roles. We made it through the period together, but I just couldn't stop looking at that desk. It's little stuff that I don't know how to handle. How can I look at that empty desk for the rest of the year? But how can I make a new seating chart and put someone else in her seat?
After that period I had lunch, so it gave me some time to reflect a little bit. I was trying to keep myself busy with work, and I needed to clean up my desk, so I got all the pens and pencils together and put them in.... the jar Haley made me in her ceramics class because before she gave it to me, I just had a plastic cup holding all the writing utensils.
Tomorrow night is her funeral service, so I will probably cry my way through all of that, but hopefully it will help me feel some closure. I know stuff like this is supposed to get easier with each day that passes... I hope so.
In the meantime, if you are of the praying persuasion, Haley's family could use your prayers. I don't know how Miles is doing, but it couldn't hurt to send a few prayers up for him, as well. Even if he makes a full physical recovery, he will have a long journey in dealing with the psychological impact of the accident.
I don't know if it should matter that Haley was a good student, but she was. I probably would have been hurt if it had happened to any of my kids, but to pretend that some don't mean more to me than others would be a lie. Some of my students open up to me, talk to me about their regular lives, and find their way into my hearts, and Haley was among them. I have a whole period of off the wall kids who aren't really "students" but have good personalities, and she was in there with them. Sometimes getting through the lesson is difficult with them, but it's never boring, and they're never short on opinions.
I guess the cycle of feelings I experienced throughout the day were normal. First I felt disbelief that someone who had sat 3 feet from me only 3 days ago, and had been happy, healthy, and cheerful, was no longer alive. Then I started feeling awful for her family because I can only imagine how much more heartbreaking the experience has been for them. Then I felt the need to get the details about the car accident which took her life, most specifically whether or not her boyfriend had been with her and whether he had survived. I knew they must have been together, because it had happened on Friday night, and she used to tell me how much she loved getting dressed up and going out with him every Friday. He had been driving, he evidently hadn't been at fault (we had horrible rain over the weekend, and somehow that resulted in their car getting hit), and he's currently in the hospital. We don't have reliable information on his prognosis. Then I started thinking about how for the past few weeks she has been giving me all the new details about Prom, because she was so excited to bring Miles with her (he doesn't go to our school) and she was looking forward to having me meet him. She told me about the dress, the shoes, the hair appointment, the limo, all of that stuff that is the most important thing in the world for these couple of months. Luckily my friend Erin was her counselor, so when I needed to talk, I could talk to someone who knew her.
My first period class is juniors, so I didn't know whether they were friends with her or if they even knew. Our principal came on the intercom at the beginning of class to make the announcement and I could hardly keep it together. Once I got into my regular routine I was managing to do all right, but I knew everything was building up to fifth period, when I'd have to stand in front of the kids who would miss her most acutely. Erin said she'd come in to talk to them, so she was there with me as they were arriving. Usually they're lively, they trickle in, they never shut up until I stand there for like five minutes... but today it was horrible. They all came in, sat down, and focused their attention straight on their shoes. I tried to get myself together to talk to them about it, but I completely lost it. When Erin finished talking, it was silent. I asked them what they wanted to do, and it was silent. I didn't know what to do. For me, the easiest thing is to follow the routine, but how could I expect them to care about "A Raisin in the Sun" when one of the desks is obviously empty? Then I told them which characters they were assigned to read, and I had to modify the assignments because I gave Haley one of the main roles. We made it through the period together, but I just couldn't stop looking at that desk. It's little stuff that I don't know how to handle. How can I look at that empty desk for the rest of the year? But how can I make a new seating chart and put someone else in her seat?
After that period I had lunch, so it gave me some time to reflect a little bit. I was trying to keep myself busy with work, and I needed to clean up my desk, so I got all the pens and pencils together and put them in.... the jar Haley made me in her ceramics class because before she gave it to me, I just had a plastic cup holding all the writing utensils.
Tomorrow night is her funeral service, so I will probably cry my way through all of that, but hopefully it will help me feel some closure. I know stuff like this is supposed to get easier with each day that passes... I hope so.
In the meantime, if you are of the praying persuasion, Haley's family could use your prayers. I don't know how Miles is doing, but it couldn't hurt to send a few prayers up for him, as well. Even if he makes a full physical recovery, he will have a long journey in dealing with the psychological impact of the accident.
Sunday, April 2, 2006
Nothing Special
Things for those of us living in the Mid-Atlantic continue along as usual. The school year is speeding by. We just began the 4th quarter, which means I should have about 9 weeks to finish teaching my material, but I realized the other day that it's much less. The students had 2 days off for teacher inservices, spring break is taking up a week and a day, and then we have an entire week of state testing that pretty much renders everything else at school pointless. I still have two major works to cover with my juniors, so I guess we're going to have to abridge something (probably Black Boy, which I don't care for anyway).
They interesting news for me in March was my trip to Lompoc/ Santa Barbara. Due to school committments, I was unable to make it to Great Grandma Ruth's memorial service, but I went out to spend the weekend with the family. Although it was an unfortunate reason to get together, it was fun to see everybody that I haven't seen in a while. Everybody seems to be doing very well and growing up quickly. Aside from Dalton and Mackenzee, we're all adults now, so that changes the dynamic a lot from what most of my memories of Lompoc are like. I am looking forward to spending a bit more time with the family at Vickie's graduation, and am glad Billy is going to be able to join all of us for that. I might get to stay a few extra days late because it is looking like school will be over for me on June 8.
The only other interesting thing going on with me right now is that I'm trying to learn how to cook. At first it was a big pain because I didn't know what we would like, what I would be able to make, etc. Now that I've gotten used to the menu planning and finding things in the grocery store, however, I am enjoying it. I have this cookbook called "Cheap, Fast, Good" which is turning out to have quite a few meals that fit the title. Tonight was the first time I made something out of a fancier cookbook (one of Rachel Ray's) and it was also the first time I hated what I made (mooshu pork pockets) so maybe I will stick to the simple stuff for a while. The only other frustration that continues to be associated with cooking is that it's kind of a pain to cook for 2 people, and since neither Billy or I are crazy about eating leftovers, it means a lot of extra food. We're trying to make ourselves eat the leftovers... but even if we don't, it's still cheaper than going out to dinner.
I am excited about the baseball season starting up tonight/tomorrow, as well. Billy and I went to Camden Yards yesterday with his family for an exhibition game vs. the Nationals. It was fun to see them bring everybody out and shift people around before they had to set up the official roster. Billy is excited because an Orioles prospect named Nick Markakis made the final cut, and he has looked good in the few spring training games we've watched, as well as putting up a good performance at last night's game. Billy has been following him as he has made his way through the orioles farm system, so he's looking forward to seeing him play in 'the show.'
The A's are looking really good this season, if you haven't already heard, so I'm pretty excited about that. I hardly ever get to watch them out here, but I'm looking forward to going to see them when they come to Baltimore. If their pitching turns out to be as good as it looks, I'm hoping they'll have a few extra day games on national TV.
Although the weather has been warm here the past few days, we are due to get some below freezing weather toward the end of the week. I am ready for it to be warm for good and looking forward to the summer. I think I'm going to take one master's class to see if I'm interested in the program I'm looking at, and possibly try to find a retail job at Border's or Barnes and Noble or somewhere like that to put some extra money in the bank. The cruise with Billy's family to celebrate his parents' anniversary once seemed so far off, but now it's just about 3 months away. We don't really have any other plans for the summer (no weddings this year) so if I'm able to spend a few days at home after Vickie's graduation, Billy and I might be able to fit in another vacation somewhere. At this point a trip to the apartment swimming pool sounds pretty good; I'm ready for it to be hot!
They interesting news for me in March was my trip to Lompoc/ Santa Barbara. Due to school committments, I was unable to make it to Great Grandma Ruth's memorial service, but I went out to spend the weekend with the family. Although it was an unfortunate reason to get together, it was fun to see everybody that I haven't seen in a while. Everybody seems to be doing very well and growing up quickly. Aside from Dalton and Mackenzee, we're all adults now, so that changes the dynamic a lot from what most of my memories of Lompoc are like. I am looking forward to spending a bit more time with the family at Vickie's graduation, and am glad Billy is going to be able to join all of us for that. I might get to stay a few extra days late because it is looking like school will be over for me on June 8.
The only other interesting thing going on with me right now is that I'm trying to learn how to cook. At first it was a big pain because I didn't know what we would like, what I would be able to make, etc. Now that I've gotten used to the menu planning and finding things in the grocery store, however, I am enjoying it. I have this cookbook called "Cheap, Fast, Good" which is turning out to have quite a few meals that fit the title. Tonight was the first time I made something out of a fancier cookbook (one of Rachel Ray's) and it was also the first time I hated what I made (mooshu pork pockets) so maybe I will stick to the simple stuff for a while. The only other frustration that continues to be associated with cooking is that it's kind of a pain to cook for 2 people, and since neither Billy or I are crazy about eating leftovers, it means a lot of extra food. We're trying to make ourselves eat the leftovers... but even if we don't, it's still cheaper than going out to dinner.
I am excited about the baseball season starting up tonight/tomorrow, as well. Billy and I went to Camden Yards yesterday with his family for an exhibition game vs. the Nationals. It was fun to see them bring everybody out and shift people around before they had to set up the official roster. Billy is excited because an Orioles prospect named Nick Markakis made the final cut, and he has looked good in the few spring training games we've watched, as well as putting up a good performance at last night's game. Billy has been following him as he has made his way through the orioles farm system, so he's looking forward to seeing him play in 'the show.'
The A's are looking really good this season, if you haven't already heard, so I'm pretty excited about that. I hardly ever get to watch them out here, but I'm looking forward to going to see them when they come to Baltimore. If their pitching turns out to be as good as it looks, I'm hoping they'll have a few extra day games on national TV.
Although the weather has been warm here the past few days, we are due to get some below freezing weather toward the end of the week. I am ready for it to be warm for good and looking forward to the summer. I think I'm going to take one master's class to see if I'm interested in the program I'm looking at, and possibly try to find a retail job at Border's or Barnes and Noble or somewhere like that to put some extra money in the bank. The cruise with Billy's family to celebrate his parents' anniversary once seemed so far off, but now it's just about 3 months away. We don't really have any other plans for the summer (no weddings this year) so if I'm able to spend a few days at home after Vickie's graduation, Billy and I might be able to fit in another vacation somewhere. At this point a trip to the apartment swimming pool sounds pretty good; I'm ready for it to be hot!
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