I never took a class during my education about how to handle it when you show up to work on Monday morning, open your email, and find out that one of your students was killed over the weekend in a car crash. I know a lot of my education classes were pretty useless, but if we could have devoted a single day to how to handle situations like this, it would have helped me today.
I don't know if it should matter that Haley was a good student, but she was. I probably would have been hurt if it had happened to any of my kids, but to pretend that some don't mean more to me than others would be a lie. Some of my students open up to me, talk to me about their regular lives, and find their way into my hearts, and Haley was among them. I have a whole period of off the wall kids who aren't really "students" but have good personalities, and she was in there with them. Sometimes getting through the lesson is difficult with them, but it's never boring, and they're never short on opinions.
I guess the cycle of feelings I experienced throughout the day were normal. First I felt disbelief that someone who had sat 3 feet from me only 3 days ago, and had been happy, healthy, and cheerful, was no longer alive. Then I started feeling awful for her family because I can only imagine how much more heartbreaking the experience has been for them. Then I felt the need to get the details about the car accident which took her life, most specifically whether or not her boyfriend had been with her and whether he had survived. I knew they must have been together, because it had happened on Friday night, and she used to tell me how much she loved getting dressed up and going out with him every Friday. He had been driving, he evidently hadn't been at fault (we had horrible rain over the weekend, and somehow that resulted in their car getting hit), and he's currently in the hospital. We don't have reliable information on his prognosis. Then I started thinking about how for the past few weeks she has been giving me all the new details about Prom, because she was so excited to bring Miles with her (he doesn't go to our school) and she was looking forward to having me meet him. She told me about the dress, the shoes, the hair appointment, the limo, all of that stuff that is the most important thing in the world for these couple of months. Luckily my friend Erin was her counselor, so when I needed to talk, I could talk to someone who knew her.
My first period class is juniors, so I didn't know whether they were friends with her or if they even knew. Our principal came on the intercom at the beginning of class to make the announcement and I could hardly keep it together. Once I got into my regular routine I was managing to do all right, but I knew everything was building up to fifth period, when I'd have to stand in front of the kids who would miss her most acutely. Erin said she'd come in to talk to them, so she was there with me as they were arriving. Usually they're lively, they trickle in, they never shut up until I stand there for like five minutes... but today it was horrible. They all came in, sat down, and focused their attention straight on their shoes. I tried to get myself together to talk to them about it, but I completely lost it. When Erin finished talking, it was silent. I asked them what they wanted to do, and it was silent. I didn't know what to do. For me, the easiest thing is to follow the routine, but how could I expect them to care about "A Raisin in the Sun" when one of the desks is obviously empty? Then I told them which characters they were assigned to read, and I had to modify the assignments because I gave Haley one of the main roles. We made it through the period together, but I just couldn't stop looking at that desk. It's little stuff that I don't know how to handle. How can I look at that empty desk for the rest of the year? But how can I make a new seating chart and put someone else in her seat?
After that period I had lunch, so it gave me some time to reflect a little bit. I was trying to keep myself busy with work, and I needed to clean up my desk, so I got all the pens and pencils together and put them in.... the jar Haley made me in her ceramics class because before she gave it to me, I just had a plastic cup holding all the writing utensils.
Tomorrow night is her funeral service, so I will probably cry my way through all of that, but hopefully it will help me feel some closure. I know stuff like this is supposed to get easier with each day that passes... I hope so.
In the meantime, if you are of the praying persuasion, Haley's family could use your prayers. I don't know how Miles is doing, but it couldn't hurt to send a few prayers up for him, as well. Even if he makes a full physical recovery, he will have a long journey in dealing with the psychological impact of the accident.
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