First, I'd just like to say thank you to everyone that read my last post and said such kind words. I know people must have been keeping the situation in their prayers because everyone, myself included, seems to be figuring out how to return to normal.
Tuesday night was Haley's funeral, which was a nice service. It was a surreal experience for me for a few reasons. First, I'd never seen an open casket before, and to have my first one be a girl that is younger than me was a bit odd. Haley's best friend, another student I have, put together a slideshow of pictures of Haley from the time she was a baby up until recent ones, which was nice. The message delivered by the pastor was pretty religious, but in my opinion he did a nice job of trying to explain why things happen that just seem so unfair. Afterwards I was able to talk to a few of my students who were really close to Haley, and that was pretty hard. It was tough for me to see kids who act so tough in my classroom breaking down and asking me for hugs. I was glad to be there for my own reasons, but it also seemed like it meant a lot to them for me to be there, so I was thankful that I was able to go.
Wednesday, Thursday, and today progressively got a little bit more "normal." Kids were laughing at my jokes again, and I felt like making jokes again. Fifth period still has an empty feeling to it, but I don't think it will ever be quite as lively as it once was... not only because people are sad, but because she was such a big part of the personality of that group. It was interesting to watch the progression the kids went through... they've all known since either Friday night or Saturday morning, so it seemed like Wednesday, while I was still pretty upset, they were starting to feel a little better. I was happy to see her best friend show up in regular clothes and with makeup on after a few days in sweatpants and a ponytail.
There were still logistical things to take care of as a classroom teacher, like trying to figure out what to do about the large research paper my juniors had due today. I knew that I wanted to give the kids who were close to Haley as much time as they needed to get it done, but it was hard to do that without opening the flood gates of excuses about why people needed extensions. I ended up just giving everyone who asked the extra weekend to work on it, because how do you decide who is grieving enough to warrant extra time? I have a student who kids were talking about a few months ago when a member of the junior class committed suicide... evidently she wasn't really friends with him but was going to guidance instead of going to class, missed school for the funeral, etc. The same girl sat near Haley in class, but I never saw the two of them have a conversation, and then the girl told me that she was so upset that she needed extra time. Things like that make me very angry; how could you take advantage of someone's death to procrastinate? And how can you pretend to be feeling the same way as kids whose hearts have broken over the loss of their friend? But I guess that type of person is going to take advantage of any situation they can. There was no way for me to tell her "No, I know you weren't really friends with her, it's due Friday," so I gave her extra time like everyone else, but I hope she has at least a little bit of trouble sleeping at night knowing what she has done.
That petty stuff aside, I think the kids are doing well. They can talk about her and remember her without crying now, and I think that is what she would want. If she can tell what we're doing down here, I think she would be glad to see that her friends were really shaken and miss her horribly, but also glad to know that they are learning to carry on with strong memories of her. Her boyfriend is apparently recovering, but I don't know if he is out of the hospital. I think he has got a very long road ahead of him, so I'll continue to pray for him and her family.
It makes me feel grateful to know that I have such caring, supportive people around me, even if you're all over the place and thousands of miles away. Knowing that I have so much support has helped me be supportive to my kids in a situation that would otherwise be nearly impossible. I feel blessed to have so many people in my life who are genuinely concerned about my students, and it helps me to understand how I developed into a person who cared about them so much that it sometimes hurts. So thank you, all of you, for being what I need.
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