Last Day // First Day

Friday was Nora's last day in her toddler classroom.  I tried to capture a "last day of school" picture, but she was too busy pointing out her elbow, the airplane, and the flowers.  Moving up to the two year old classroom is a bittersweet change for us.  We'll both miss her toddler teachers-- they took such good care of her, helped her to learn so many new things, brought out the best in her personality, and helped put me at ease about leaving her so I can work.  We know she's ready for the move, though, because she really loves being around older kids, moving up means she'll be reunited with her older friends, and it will give her the chance to learn new and different things.

Although she's been visiting the two year old classroom for several weeks, Monday was her first full day there.  When I picked her up in the afternoon, I asked how her day was and she gave it some thought before answering, "Good!" That was when I really knew she is getting to be the "big girl" she claims to be, because on her first day of day care and her first day in the toddler room, she burst into tears as soon as she saw me.  

I had tried to take her first day of school picture that morning, but she wasn't much more interested in posing then, either.  Here she is dancing to her favorite song and demanding that I sing it "more Mommy, more!"

These may not be the best pictures I've ever taken of her, but all I can think when I see them is: my dear little spirited Nora Jane, I hope the sun always shines on you each time you start a new chapter of your life.

Oregon Visit: Portland

After a great couple of days in Bend, we drove back to Portland for the second half of our vacation.  Nora spent the night at Oma's house on Saturday, which allowed me and Billy to attend our first Portland Timbers game with my good friends Krista and Jordan.  I've been hoping to go see the Timbers since they started playing in MLS, and although I love Krista and Jordan's girls, it was nice to have an adults-only night for just the four of us.  Mom did a great job of making Nora feel at home, so we enjoyed a relaxing and fun evening!

It is both comforting and heartbreaking to go up to Dad's niche with Nora and Billy.  It's nice to have a place where we can "visit" Dad, but it also makes me more aware than ever of how unfair it is that Nora and Dad never got to meet each other.  Each of them would have loved the other one so much.  While we were there Nora ran around, picked flowers, and pooped her diaper.  I laughed to myself when I realized that choosing this moment to poop was kind of the perfect tribute-- it was like her way of letting Dad know that her colon is in perfect working order. : )  I asked her to say "Bye Bye, Grandpa," which she did, and then I said "I love you," and she said "I love you, Grandpa."  It is so hard.

We also had a chance to meet up with a bunch of my high school friends, their kids, and their husbands.  I try to organize some sort of get-together each year, so while I've seen most of these friends in the past year or two,  I haven't seen several of them since our college years!  Everyone's kids were so much fun to watch, and Nora loved playing with the big kids.  This was the first time she could really play with Krista's girls, Clara and Evie, and I loved watching them run around together.  Later in the week, another of my childhood friends, Katie, stopped by with her daughter, Delia, who Nora and I were excited to meet for the first time!

Although we were only in Portland for a couple of days, we got to spend plenty of time hanging out at Oma's house, too.  Nora always remembers exactly who Oma is and takes no time at all to warm up to her.  Mom must know the secret to getting on Nora's level and interacting with her on her terms.  We took a trip to the Portland Zoo, and Nora enjoyed the whole experience, but her favorite part might have been the snow cone Mom shared with her.  She kept saying "nother bite Oma?" over and over until it was gone!

Nate and Everett made the drive from Bend to join us, which meant we were able to spend two extra days with them.  Vickie came back through town before flying back to Maryland, and Billy camped out at the hotel with Nora so I could spend an evening with Mom, Nate, and Vickie.  There were a lot of fun things we did on this trip, but having a chance to relax with my family is what made it really special.

Nate and Everett also joined us for a lunch date with the Shiras, which gave us a chance to see Nora, Everett, Connor, and Caleb all interacting with each other.  The boys are getting so big, I can hardly believe it!  But they are so great with Nora that I was not surprised to see them look after Everett, too.  I know my Dad would have given anything to see them all together, so I tried to savor the moment instead of feeling sad that he wasn't there.

And although my Mimi and Papa never lived in Portland, our visits there make me think of them, too.  We like to stay in the hotel just across the river from West Linn because it is convenient, affordable, and right on the Willamette River.  It's next door to the motorhome campground my grandparents stayed in when they were visiting Dad, so when we took Nora down to the water to look at ducks and throw rocks, I was imagining how much Papa would have loved to show her around the camping area.

That wraps up the photos I have to share from our trip as well as the details I thought people might be interested to know.  I definitely think this set a record for the number of people we were able to see on a trip home, as well as the number of events we were able to attend.  It's no wonder Nora slept the whole way home and has slept in each day since we returned!

Now we are ready to get back to school!

Oregon Vacation: Bend

We are back from a wonderful trip to see my family and friends in Oregon!  After flying home overnight and arriving yesterday morning, Nora is still sound asleep today even though she normally would have woken up an hour ago.  I am going to give her another hour to sleep before we get up to go to work, so I'm working on this post rather than beginning to unpack like a responsible person would (well, maybe a responsible person would have done that yesterday).

It's hard for me to describe how great it is to go see my family, in August, in Oregon.  This is the best time of year to visit Oregon, in my opinion.  I don't like living so far away from the people I love there, but the major perk of moving away from a place as great as Oregon is having a great place to visit for family vacations.  For me, there are so many reasons this was a great trip.  I got to spend over a week straight with my daughter and husband.  I was able to enjoy this time without feeling like I needed to set time aside to do work, since I had submitted my latest prospectus draft right before we left.  I spent a lot of time with my newest family member-- my nephew, Everett-- and my whole immediate family was together briefly.  I saw so many of my friends who happened to be in the area, some of whom I haven't seen since our college years.  I hugged all their kids and watched in delight as Nora played with them.  Thanks to Mom, I was even able to enjoy two back-to-back adult nights out.  Traveling cross-country with a toddler is, well, tough.  But truly, even though she had one difficult flight, Nora is a trooper.  She handles the time change better than any of us and manages being carted around to different places better than I could have even hoped.

I have so many pictures and memories to share that I'm going to attempt to keep the writing fairly short.  But to give the single sentence overview, I will say: This trip is exactly what I needed right now, and I am so thankful to everyone who made it possible.  So onto the pictures!

We bought a seat for Nora.  This was expensive, and she didn't sit in it the entire time, but in the end it was definitely worth it.  She is obsessed with buckles lately, so a lot of her carseat time on the trip was spent buckling together all the ones I put on this toy for her and then promptly demanding that I unbuckle them again.

We got in late, spent the night at an airport hotel, and then drove to Bend in the morning.  Getting caught in road construction is not so bad when it affords you this view of Mt. Hood.

We arrived in Bend to spend several days with Nate, Ashley, and Everett, who is now eight months old.  My cousin Dalton has been living with them this summer, so getting to see him was an added bonus!  Nora had some attachment issues at first:

but by the end of the trip she didn't mind me paying attention to Everett.  She would sometimes insist on climbing up on my lap to join him, but compared to her initial reaction, this was a definite improvement.  And though she wasn't too keen on me holding him at first, she loved playing with him right from the start.

While in Bend, we also visited their awesome water park.  The trip got off to a not-so-awesome start when a woman backed square into us in the parking lot.  Note to everyone: if someone pulls a toddler out of the door you've just backed into, you should at least ask if she is okay.

I was definitely envious of the water park, though.  It had so many kid friendly features, none of which are really captured in this photo.  Nora had a great time there, and with five adults and two children, there was enough adult energy to keep Nora above water.

These days, Nora only needs to hear a word once to repeat it back.  So I knew she COULD say "Dalton," but she wouldn't do it.  I think she was shy around him!  While we were playing at the park one day, I took a video clip of her saying his name so he could hear it. : )



Vickie and Tres were on the west coast to attend a wedding and church camp, so although they were not near Bend, they came for an afternoon to spend time with all of us.  Mom had driven down to see us and babysit that evening, so I insisted on getting a picture to capture the first time we had all been together.  I'm glad I did, because thanks to Ashley's photo staging and self-timer skills, as well as some some bribery blueberries for Nora, it turned out great!

That evening, Mom stayed at the house with Nora and Everett so Nate, Ashley, Billy, and I could attend Bend's Brewfest.  It was so nice to have a chance to hang out with them as adults, and the event was really cool.  I don't know how many breweries were there, but I'd say at least 100, and most of them had two different beers you could get in a 4oz sample.  I like beer all right, but I LOVE people watching, so this packed event was definitely right up my alley.  I also ate from a food truck, which I'm pretty sure was required before I was permitted to leave the state. I wish I'd thought to make someone take a picture of all four of us!

That wraps up the pictures I have to share from Bend, and I need to get Nora up and get myself off to work.  It was such a great visit, and I can definitely see why Nate and Ashley like Bend so much!  If we have to be living so far apart, I'm glad that we have all settled in places we are happy to call home.

31!

Saturday was my 31st birthday, and it was nice to have it fall on a Saturday so I could spend the day with Nora and Billy!

Before dinnertime, we dropped Nora off to spend the night at Gram and Pop's.  This was her second sleepover with them, and things went so smoothly the first time that I was able to relax and enjoy my adult evening while knowing Nora was in good hands.  Brian and Lauren joined us for dinner, which was a lot of fun.  I realized midway through the meal that this was the first time we had spent time with just the four of us!  After that, we headed over to Merriweather Post Pavilion and set ourselves up on the lawn for some excellent people watching.  Then my friends Anne-Marie and Jon joined us on our night out (after putting their six month old son, Julian, to sleep!).  It was so much fun to have a night with friends.  We were there to see The Killers, and although everyone was familiar with the band, I think I was the only one who would have gone out of my way to see them.  I think I had enough fun for the whole group, but seeing that everyone was having a good time made it such a great night.  We missed Vickie and Tres, who would've joined us if they'd been in town, but I hope we'll be able to find a show that we can all enjoy next summer, too!  Here are some photos of our night.

THANK you to Lauren, Brian, Billy, Anne-Marie, Jon, Chuck, and Patti for helping to make this such a memorable birthday.  And thank you to everyone else who checked in to let me know you were thinking about me with cards, messages, and phone calls.  Maybe the reason I don't mind getting older is because every year, I have more great people in my life! 

When the Fish Come

Sometimes in my academic career it feels like I am never going to get to another productive period.  I feel like I am out of ideas and I can't make any progress.  When I emailed my advisor in early June to say I was having trouble getting much done, he reassured me and gave me a pep talk along the lines of the scene I always return to from The Old Man and the Sea: the one where Santiago reminds himself that he'd rather be exact than lucky.  So I went back and read that again.

Then the sun was brighter and the glare came on the water and then, as it rose clear, the flat sea sent it back at his eyes so that it hurt sharply and he rowed without looking into it.  He looked down into the water and watched the lines that went straight down into the dark of the water.  He kept them straighter than anyone did, so that at each level in the darkness of the stream there would be a bait waiting exactly where he wished it to be for any fish that swam there.  Others let them drift with the current and sometimes they were at sixty fathoms when the fishermen thought they were at a hundred.

          But, he thought, I keep them with precision.  Only I have no luck any more.  But who knows?  Maybe today.  Every day is a new day.  It is better to be lucky.  But I would rather be exact.  Then when luck comes you are ready.

         The sun was two hours higher now and it did not hurt his eyes so much to look into the east.    

Okay, I thought.  Set the lines right.  Turn your back to the sun when it hurts your eyes.  Soon it will not hurt your eyes so much.  And then maybe some fish will come.

So Billy and I talked about how we could try to set my lines more precisely.  We rearranged our schedules slightly to help me make the most of the time Nora spends at school.  He took over even more household responsibilities.  I started getting up to work when I woke up at 4am instead of trying to go back to sleep while my mind ran in circles.  I began drinking ice coffee in the afternoons.  And slowly, I started getting some work done.  Once I started getting some work done, it was easier to get more work done.  Although I didn't get done as much as I'd hoped, I have managed to get the most important things done, so I wanted to take a minute to document those things here.  This summer has been a success because I have:

-completed "enough reading and research" for my dissertation prospectus (according to my advisor)
-written and submitted the first draft of my prospectus (my first written assignment since giving birth to Nora!)
-revised the first draft to address my advisor's initial critiques
-submitted the second and much more polished draft of my prospectus
-recruited two new professors to serve on my dissertation committee who are enthusiastic about my project and have backgrounds in feminism, archive research, and modernist women's writers
-came up with a plan for passing the translation exam in order to satisfy the foreign language requirement that is currently preventing me from advancing to candidacy
-worked 10 hours a week on the Katherine Anne Porter project
-set up my syllabus and lesson plans for my fall teaching assignment

Phew.  It's been busy.  I've also managed to enjoy some fun with family and friends along the way.  Here's to hoping I'm getting closer to achieving a sustainable work/life balance!!

Aunt Andy

Looking forward to my upcoming birthday is bittersweet this year because it will be the first time I do not share the birthday with my Aunt Andy, who recently passed away after fighting cancer as long as I can remember.  The influence she has had on my life would be impossible to calculate.  I haven't spent much time with her since I moved away from the west coast, but she was one of the few women I was around growing up who didn't fit the mold of stereotypical femininity and didn't care that she didn't.  I don't know if she would self identify as a feminist, but I count her among my earliest feminist influences because she had opinions, and she liked working, and she was a good mother to her boys, and she talked to me about the stuff I really liked even when it was nerdy and bookish.  She also gave me this outfit, which goes to show I have been sporting navy stripes, pattern mixing, and cuffing my pants since way back:

When I think about all the health complications my aunt endured for so many years, I am reminded of how angry it makes me when people say someone has "beaten cancer" or "won the battle against cancer."  I totally get that cancer remission is something to celebrate, but please call it "enduring the battle with cancer" or "surviving cancer," not "beating" it.  To position the living as the "winners" in the battle positions the dead as the "losers" by default, and I think that dishonors everyone who has experienced it.  My aunt, and dad, and grandpa did not "lose" a battle with cancer, even though it claimed their lives.  These are people who looked cancer in the face, handled the ways it destroyed their health with honor, persisted with the will to live despite the toll it took on them, and faced death with grace when they saw that the time was upon them.  They couldn't have "fought" any harder in order to "beat" cancer, and they were not "beaten" by it.  Hemingway gets it right when he says, "A man can be destroyed but not defeated." I am thankful to my Aunt Andy for helping to teach me that a woman can't be defeated, either.

That's my Aunt Andy in the gray t-shirt.  I'll think of her whenever my birthday approaches.  I'll think of her when I mix stripes with polka dots.  I'll think of her when I notice new gray hairs in my head because I can distinctly remember a conversation we had in which she told me dying your hair to cover them was lame.  I'm thankful she knitted a hat for the grandneice she never met and sorry Nora will not get to meet her.  And I know I'll think of her often as my nephew grows up and I try to figure out how to be the kind of aunt who makes him feel like who he is is good and right.

Rest easy, Aunt Andy.  Thanks for the life lessons and the kickass outfit.