I'm not sure I can do this. This meaning: Keep up with diaper changes and doctoral studies. Balance work and home. I'm not sure I'll be ready to pass my comprehensive exam in a few months... never mind complete my dissertation.
But I keep telling myself: I might not be sure I can do it. But I have to keep going until I am sure I can't. There are a lot of reasons I'm still in grad school, but the main one is this: whenever I begin to really falter, I stumble upon whatever it is I need to keep me going. A professor gives me the encouragement I need to hear. A friend offers me a reminder of something important I'd forgotten. Billy takes on a little bit more of the load at home. I read something that reminds me why I want to be here.
I just finished one such book. I struggled to keep reading it, even though I wanted to. I could barely keep my eyes open, barely squeeze in enough time while Nora slept, could just barely force myself to pick it up and mute the TV while Andy Roddick played what might have been (but thankfully was not) his final match. I know this doesn't bode well for how successful I'll be when I am supposed to be reading something I don't feel like reading.
But it reminded me that there's a chance. Maybe a slim one. And since I promised myself that I'd put continue to put one foot in front of the other until I was absolutely sure I couldn't take any more steps, here I go again.
You always keep such a positive attitude. I'm already impressed with what you've been able to manage. I can't say how similar or different our work-related responsibilities are, but I can say that it got easier for me just recently.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jo! Most people call it stubbornness, so "positive attitude" I will definitely take. : ) But mostly I just wanted to respond to your comment to say I'm glad to hear that things are getting easier for you!
DeleteLiz,
ReplyDeleteI can attest... the only reason why I finished my doctoral program this year is because I was determined to do so. It had nothing to do with my abilities, but everything to do with my determination. If you refuse to give up, you will accomplish this task. I can't even imagine how hard it is for you to balance work and family because God knows I pretty much shut everyone out of my life in order to keep going. I'm struggle to reestablish balance now that I'm done. The only thing I would encourage you to remember is that this PhD will not define you because the reality is, after completing your dissertation then it's getting a tenure-track job and publishing and teaching excellence. Of course, that's the reality if you so choose it to be. The academic pressure may never end, unless you choose to make it end. So, I encourage you to keep pushing, but to keep your priorities in view. Try to remember what you want to define you and then keep that front and center. Honestly, I've considered multiple times that it was important enough for me to push through my dissertation, but it may never be important enough for me to purse this career. Only time will tell!
Best of luck!
Katie