We have a five week long winter break, which accommodates an intense winter term for undergrads. It also means I don't have to teach or come to campus for those five weeks, and I took a hiatus from my job with the libraries, so it was a "break" in that sense. I took some time off around the holidays and while my mom visited from Oregon, as most people with normal full-time jobs usually do. But in regards to hours spent working and mental energy expended, it was no break at all.
As a PhD student, I've been fortunate to be fully funded for 3.5 years. (It was supposed to be 4 years, but I lost a semester of funding when I took maternity leave without pay.) This means that by teaching 2-3 classes per year, I get complete tuition remission and get paid a small but significant stipend. Since my funding runs out after this semester, I have two options for next year if I want to maintain fairly comparable benefits. I can double my teaching load or win a fellowship. Students who are awarded fellowships are given a semester or two to work exclusively on their dissertations, without having to teach or work on campus. The stipends are still pretty modest, but they include tuition remission, so they're very highly competitive. Theoretically, they are awarded to the students whose dissertations show the most promise.
My fellowship application is due February 7. We have to provide a writing sample, so most people submit a completed chapter of their dissertation... but I don't have one of those. I only started working on my dissertation after my prospectus was approved in October, and a lot of my time thereafter was spent teaching, preparing for the German translation exam, and working on the KA Porter project. I have done some really important research for my first chapter, but when the "break" began, I hadn't gotten to the point where I was ready to start writing anything. The semester I spent on maternity leave technically doesn't "count" against my time-to-degree calculations, but taking a term off means I am competing for fellowships with members of my cohort who have a one semester advantage over me as well as students who are years ahead of me.
It's a really stressful position to be in. I'm very proud of what I've managed to accomplish since I began the PhD, especially in light of the personal highs and lows those years have included. I'm not "behind," by any definition, in spite of everything. But I'm also not ahead, and it feels like the fellowships will go to the students who are the farthest ahead. And a fellowship would be a life-changer. I've managed to stay on track despite having a child and two on-campus jobs, so if I could eliminate the jobs from the equation for a year, it feels like I could finish several chapters of the dissertation.
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That means the month of January has involved a LOT of staring at the page and staring at the computer screen, willing myself to become the first person to figure something out and attempting to articulate it clearly in writing. It's not so much the schedule I've been keeping that exhausts me-- I actually sleep more soundly when I wake up at 6 and stay up to midnight or 1. But my everyday life requires a lot of juggling to begin with, so trying to muster the mental energy required to spend 8-12 hours of my day deep in thought on my dissertation is... exhausting and hard. I try to balance it with time I set aside for my family, which does help. It's good for my spirit to spend evenings and weekends with Billy and Nora, not thinking about work, even though it means I have to get right back at it as soon as she's in bed, and I don't get much time to spend alone with Billy. But anyone who has been around a precocious 2 year old can probably imagine that "relaxing" is not a term I would use to describe that time.
Tuesday was my first day of teaching, so it was convenient that I managed to complete the draft of my writing sample at 9pm on Monday. It's been with my advisor since then, and I'll get his feedback in our meeting later today. That means I'll have another week to make revisions before I send it off and hope for the best while waiting to see if it earns me the fellowship. I've been trying to give myself a "break" in the meantime, both because I've stressed my body to the point of illness and because it will help to approach the revisions with a somewhat fresh perspective on what I've written. But that's hard, too. There are still classes to prepare and teach. Deadlines to meet for the library job. Dishes to put in the cupboards and a washing machine to reload. Laundry to wash and clothes to put away. Meals to throw together, despite an absence of time to grocery shop. Long neglected emails to which I should reply. Bills to pay. Trips to and from day care and campus to make. Perpetually runny noses to wipe. Toys to trip over because I don't have the energy to pick them up. Stories to listen to, about the vacations my coworkers have taken. The list goes on. This is what it means to be a grad school mom, but this is what I chose, and I don't unwish this choice. I just wish to hang on until February 7 so I can get my life back to a more reasonable balance. And I wish for a fellowship to make my academic life feel more sustainable.
When I clicked "send" on the email to my advisor Monday night, I had hoped that I'd feel rested and ready for feedback by the time today's meeting rolled around. I don't. I feel like crawling up on my office rug and going to sleep. But time waits for no woman, so I've decided instead that I will write this blog post and try to prepare for Tuesday's class before I go to get my advisor's revision suggestions. But I might wait until when Nora goes bed tomorrow night to tackle them.
Liz-great work! Not many people can bust out a writing sample under that can of pressure. I hope that it will get you where you need to be, but I want to speak from experience when I say that you should, under no circumstance, think that *not* getting a fellowship is any memorandum on your work, should that unfortunate circumstance come to pass. I think that the process if full of lots of gray areas that shouldn't be there, and so the merit of the work isn't always what it comes down to. I think running out of funding is a bonus, but it also means you might be competing against folks who are *already* out of funding and trying to squeeze out one more year. In other words, its one of those scenarios where you absolutely have no idea what they are thinking/seeing. I hope that you get one--you deserve it--but I don't want you (or anyone else) to think it's a comment on you or your work or potential if it doesn't happen that way. Keep on keeping on! And if you and Nora make it this way on a "day off" and want to hit up the campus pool with me and Xray, we'd LOVE the company!!
ReplyDeleteYou're always so wise, Maggie. I didn't apply for the fellowships this year, but I am already nervous about next year -- and for the applications for summer funding, teaching awards, etc. This might be the worst part for me - the competition. I've never much liked it, but it's part of the game. - Rach
DeleteThinking of you. That is all. Full stop.
ReplyDeleteLiz, I can relate to a lot of this. Although our actual days are quite different, I'm currently rocking the tail end of the flu, busy kids, a good deal of uncertainty, and way more work than I should. All the time. Well, not the flu. That's temporary, I hope. Silver linings? :o)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I hope it feels easier once you send your fellowship applications off into the ether. Then you can focus on the work without all the pressure, for at least a little while.
Hoping the stress abates and your genius keeps flowing. :o)
You work so damn hard. May you receive the funding you need to continue working in less stressful, more fulfilling circumstances, friend. All of my fingers and toes are crossed for you.
ReplyDeleteI've just now read this and, Liz, I will say it again - you are really so inspiring. My fingers have been crossed for you in a big way, and I hope that whatever happens, next year is productive without being arduous. And I relate. You know that I didn't apply for the fellowships this year, but I am certainly already nervous about next year. That says something for the caliber of folks in our department...but it is also anxiety-producing. I also don't much like competition, so competing--especially against colleagues--is just no fun for me. I like what Maggie has to say and am going to keep her words in mind as I apply for other things in the spring. It would, perhaps, be at least a little easier if the selection process was more transparent. In any case, I am always rooting for you. If you ever feel like grabbing a coffee together (I know you have SO MUCH time to spare), let me know!
ReplyDelete