Hi everybody! Yesterday I submitted a 32 page seminar paper on Eliza Haywood's Fantomina and the 17th century scientific revolution. I have been busting my brain on this project for several weeks. At the end of the day, I have no idea whether my professor will find it adequate or not. I took on some very complex theoretical frameworks, though, so I'm really proud of where the project ended up. I think that's supposed to be the point of a seminar class, anyway, so I'll consider it a success no matter what grade my effort garners. It's funny how sometimes the class you thought you'd be least interested in is the one that motivates you to push yourself to produce your best work.
I also taught my last undergrad class of the semester, so it finally feels like some of the pressure I've been under is lessening. There's still a lot of work to be done; I collect final papers from my students tomorrow, so I have to grade those and finalize their grades for the semester by the 17th. Yesterday, when I collected their final participation self-evaluations, one of the most quiet girls had written a short note about how much she had enjoyed the class. It reminded me that one of the things I learned while teaching high school was that you have to consciously make the effort to avoid doubting yourself just because some of your students frustrate you. They're the most vocal ones, but they tend to obscure the fact that for most of the class, things might be moving along quite well. I always want to feel like my courses are ones in which students get out of them what they put in, so I need to re-learn to stop getting so frustrated by the students who don't put in much effort, and re-learn that the students who sit there quietly and periodically compliment my shoes before class might be learning as much as I hope they are. I also had three students schedule appointments during office hours to go over last minute questions about their papers, and all three of those conferences went really well. I quite enjoyed talking to those students and could tell that they had been putting a lot of work into their research projects. I hope I'll be able to take those moments away with me and leave the grade complaints behind.
I also have to research and write a 10 page paper for my postcolonial class, due December 20. Though I think I know where I'm headed for that paper, I don't feel like I have a great idea. I think I may have run out of great ideas and/or the energy to conceive great ideas for this semester, and I think that's okay. Just do the best you can is the mantra that has been on repeat through my head this semester, so I'll give that paper as good a shot as I can muster. Everyone likes to tell me things like "Nobody loves every paper they submit" and "Sometimes a course just doesn't strike a chord with me," but I've never actually submitted a paper I wasn't quite proud of, so we'll see how it goes. At least I can direct my focus on that paper once my grading is done rather than trying to work on it while doing 18 other things simultaneously.
Then I have the entire holiday break to work on a research project for my American modernism seminar. I am actually quite excited about that because it feels like I will finally be getting the chance to focus specifically on my area of interest. It will also give me some increased motivation to read some of the books/articles I've been meaning to read but haven't been able to find time to get through. I hope working on that will keep my momentum going through the break while still allowing me to feel like I've had a break from the intensity of the semester. After this week, I don't have to be on campus again until the end of January, and I realized recently that this is the first time I've had over a week off since I began graduate school. Even this past summer, when I had a month off of work, I still had to go to class four days a week for my intensive German class.
I'm also looking forward to going back to Oregon for the first time in two years. It will be fun to see my parents and several friends, and I'll finally get to meet Krista's little ones. My dad recently told me that my grandparents are going to be in town for part of our visit, so that was just like icing on the cake. While we're home we're also supposed to finalize plans for our Australia trip!
I hope that in the long run, I'll be thankful that I put in these few hard, high pressure months to get a little bit ahead of schedule on my funding package. It's comforting to know that I'll never have to teach students and take classes in the same term. And I hope that next term will feel a lot more manageable by comparison. I still have a lot going on, but I'm not teaching, so I hope I'll be able to avoid the feeling of being completely and totally overwhelmed. The comments of my classmates and professors suggest that they don't feel like my work has suffered too much as a result of my over-commitment, but I know that Billy and Vickie and a few friends have seen just how close to the edge this semester has pushed me. I hope for all of our sakes I'll be able to continue getting better at finding a healthy balance between school and home life.
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