It's really fun to see everyone interact with Nora and see how excited they are to see how much she has grown and developed since each of them saw her last. The last time we were around the extended family was just under two months ago, and since then, she has really started to pay attention to everything around her. I was proud of her for napping relatively well in another strange place, for maintaining a good mood most of the afternoon, and for letting different family members hold her for short periods of time.
This brings up an issue I've been wanting to broach on the blog for a while: that of secure attachment. According to the (rather limited) child psychology I know from my education classes, secure attachment is the type of attachment you want to establish with your child when she is an infant. Some psychologists even advocate one parent taking the primary caretaking role to facilitate the child's primary attachment to this parent because some research indicates this will improve the child's ability to "securely attach" to other family members as they grow older. (This link gives a pretty bare bones summary of what I've read regarding secure attachment; I don't mean for this to be confused with "attachment parenting," which is a popular but fairly new parenting philosophy.)
I feel confident that Nora is securely attached to me. She is comforted by being with me and she seeks me out when she is distressed. She prefers being with me over being with strangers. Patti reports that though Nora is starting to get upset when I drop her off, she recovers and engages positively with Patti while I'm gone. She's excited about my return. I think Nora has developed a healthy attachment to Billy, as well, because she gets very excited to greet him when he returns from work. In fact, I'd say her favorite "state of being" is when I am holding her and Billy is engaging with her; for her this seems to be the best of both worlds. I think the degree of her attachment to me can be traced back to her colic phase. For the entire month of December, when she was upset for most of her waking hours, I was the one who was available to comfort her. I know that this time we spent together made a significant impact on my attachment to her, so I can only assume that it had a similar impact on her. In my opinion, her secure attachment to me is a very positive outcome of the time we've spent together so far. It means she is generally in good spirits when she's full and rested, and the studies suggest that as she grows older, she'll develop good self esteem, she'll engage in positive social relationships with others, and she'll trust others enough to establish meaningful emotional connections.
However, family situations like this one sometimes make me wish she was not quite so attached to me. Nora's relatives all love her so much that they get very excited about the opportunity to see her, which I appreciate very much. I think the fact that she will grow up in a loving, nurturing family will also help her develop the same positive characteristics I mentioned above. So I can understand why it is upsetting to others when Nora makes it obvious that she would much rather have me hold her. I sympathize with her family members who feel disappointed when she seems unresponsive to their attempts to comfort her, only to have her stop fussing immediately when they hand her to me.
Since several of you who read my blog are further along in this parenting journey than me, and I respect and adore your children (whether in person or from afar), I wondered if you guys could weigh in on this issue. Did your children show the same kind of preference for you as I've described above? Do your kids switch back and forth in showing preference for one parent versus the other as they grow older? If so, at what age did that start? How long did it take before your kids began to feel more comfortable with family members or close friends who live outside your home? Have you noticed differences from one child to the next? Have you found any particularly successful strategies for bridging this gap between being glad your child is attached to you and wishing your child could also be happier in the presence of others?
And now for the pictures: Nora's second cousins, Cash and Lily, are clearly social little creatures. Lily has always taken to me and Vickie, and Cash loves Brian so much that he runs him ragged every time they're together.
Since I was more focused on keeping Nora happy and trying to help her interact with different members of the family than on taking pictures today, I'm thankful to Patti for taking and sharing the following photos:
Nora with Nana (her great grandmother!) and Mr. Dick
... and taking it all in from the comfort of Mama's lap.
My babies are very different from one another in this regard. Clara has always been fairly open to strangers, and never put up a fuss when I left her. In fact, the first time I left her at Nani and Fa's to spend the night (at maybe 18 months or so), she burst into tears and asked me to leave when I came to pick her up. She has never preferred me over Jordan or vice-versa. Evie is the complete opposite. She has been a mama's girl from the day she was born. The only other person she really loved in her first year of life was Nani -- she would always go to her without complaint, even when she'd fuss with Jordan. I found that she always did better when I wasn't around. So we tried to give her plenty of alone time with Jordan, and it helped that he put her to sleep two nights a week when I was at school. At 20 months she still strongly prefers me, is very shy around most men, and doesn't like to be held by people other than Jordan, Nani or me for long periods of time. She is really starting to bond with Jordan, though, and sometimes prefers him over me.
ReplyDeleteI find that Evie warms up to people more if they approach her and talk to her without trying to touch her. That's actually been true since she was a little baby -- getting on the floor with her worked better than trying to pick her up. I've learned to always pick her up or hold her if she cries for me in my presence, but I also try to leave her with relatives pretty frequently so she can get to know them without me there. That has been the most effective way of getting her to open up to other people. If I'm around, she often refuses to even try. It can be hard to have a mama's girl, but it's also really rewarding. :)
I second (oddly so) so many of Krista's sentiments. Eleanor has always been happy to be "handed around," has always enjoyed men as well as women, and has been pleasant in most situations, showing little preference for one person or place over another. Still, at nearly five, she's spirited but easy to please and, even when upset, she consoles and controls herself pretty easily. (She would also actually cry to be *put down* even as a newborn and self-soothed really well. Interestingly, as a big girl, she's definitely more my little ally.)
ReplyDeleteJo is much more complicated. She is wary of men and strangers in general. (Although she's still as happy as Eleanor to be on her own.) If I'm around, she likes to check in with me frequently, even now at 3.5. Eye contact at the park, etc. Although, things are evening out quite a bit as she grows--she's now very confident in familiar situations, but shy when it comes to new settings. But, as a baby, up to about six months, she would become hysterical if held by strangers. And I say strangers pretty loosely--that included her grandmother. For some reason, my mother was ok, but my mother in law was a tricky situation with her for a bit. And I ascribe to a philosophy similar to Krista's. When I am around, I let her come to me at will. But, when I leave, she seems to do better, needing me less and less as she gets comfortable.
Differences between siblings aside, I think Jo is also just more sensitive to stimuli than Eleanor, as a person. I find everything is better if everyone knows that exuberance simply does not help. I think that was the early problem with my in-laws. They are a boisterous family, and I think they felt that the more energetically they tried to woo her, the more comfortable she'd be. But, because of her sensitive nature, the external loudness and animation that come along with that just served to work her up more and more. Not that that is the case with the people Nora reacts to, but sometimes a soft nurturance and slow demeanor is just better with sensitive kids I think.
(And I believe Jo's reserve in public is just a mechanism to deal with how easily she gets worked up. Not that that's true in all situations. When they come to the university, Eleanor is near reclusive and Jo is outgoing. I think that also has to do with their personalities. Eleanor is more extraverted, so I think she picks up on my anxiety that they'll perform well. Jo is more introverted, meaning she takes her social cues from her interior perceptions, so she doesn't react as clearly to my own ambivalence. That's my armchair psychology, but confirmed by my mother, who is an actual psychologist. My own sister was similar to Jo, though, so my mom deals well with a sensitive kid. And, also, my goodness, isn't it amazing that little people are as complex as adults?)
So, my input/advice is mostly just to continue to be patient. Just like adults, babies come with a set of traits that seem pretty engrained. Eleanor is equally likely to need/love me when she'd needy or wanting attention. But some kids like Jo (and maybe Evie and Nora) just need slowness and gentility and time. This is a learning experience for me, because, despite her sensitivity, I will say that Jo can be infuriating as a preschooler (like all preschoolers I guess). Like she wanted her way as a baby, she wants her way now. And I'm not the softest, gentlest person--so adhering to my own best practice is hard work. But well worth it. So my practical advice, from momming Jo-girl, is to encourage everyone to be soft and even. Even if it just means I model that behavior (and do some hand-holding) around the grown ups (and kids) who so excitedly and obviously just want her attentions.
And I am sorry--that was the longest comment ever.
ReplyDeleteHi! Nora raminds me alot of Jenna in the way she is attached to you. Jenna feels safe with me and if she hasn't seen family in awhile, she is very hesitant to be let go and alone with them. Since Jenna felt bad on Easter- her first fever because of teething, she didn't let let go of my hand. It was exhausting for me and I didn't fully enjoy myself and I felt bad that family who never see her was unable to truly interact with her, but it is just the way it is! With Jenna I just have to patient and almost act like I am so excited to see that new person. Jenna feeds off my cues so if I seem really happy and comfortable with this new family member, she lets them hold her if she is feeling good, but I can't go out of her sight completely and she always coms running back to me when she has had enough of the person or is just done with the whole situation. I sometimes just tell Family to give her space which rarely works out. I think sometimes my family overwhelms her by getting too close too fast and talking all this baby talk to her in her face. I just constantly reassure Jenna in new situations and act like that person is the best person ever! We hit a rough patch around 12 months-till a little over 13 months. Jenna was glued to my arm. I couldn't do anything without her and she wouldn't do anything without me. She only wanted my finger and she would pull me from room to room from toy to toy and would flip out if Brian tried to take over. I think this rough patch had alot to do with the big milestone of walking that she was trying to figure out along with separation anxiety. But it got better! She isn't like that anymore, she is much more independent, unless she is sick, extreme teething, tired, hungry, and so on.
ReplyDeleteI know this comment is very much a bunch of rambling and I may not have worded things clearly, I'm sorry! But what i am trying to say is that I think Jenna and Nora are going through alot right now so we are their comfort which is very healthy. i would be jealous and a little concerned if Jenna sought comfort in someone else besides me, unless I wasn't there. As they get past these huge milestones and teething, I think they will be more independent and comfortable in new situations and will follow our cues.
Thanks for all this helpful feedback, ladies. I know you've each told me bits of this information at various times, but it helps to think about what you've said while thinking specifically about how Nora handled things on Sunday. She needed a nap almost as soon as we got there, so when she woke up, everyone was so excited to see her that I think she was just really overwhelmed. She definitely did better when people engaged with her while I was holding her and sat on the floor with her, and later in the day, after she'd had time to adjust, she was rested, and she was full, she did okay with letting people hold her for short periods. Reading about your experiences and thinking about how they compare with Nora's behavior has helped me think about how I'll approach these types of situations in the future, so thank you!!
ReplyDeleteI can relate to everything stated above. With a very shy first-born and a more social second born, it has been night and day. I think some of Aaden's attachment issues were also my own attachment issues. Since (like you) I worked outside the home for the first 2 years of his life, every minute we could be together was priceless. At this point, I think Nora is just craving the Mama time she can get. While it can be disappointing to others that she isn't ready to be handed off, that day will come. Honestly! Even if she prefers you, there will be times when she will be fine with others one moment and not the next. You are a great Mom, cherish the time she wants to be cuddly and relax in the knowledge that she'll grow up and be an amazing girl! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sarah. : ) I appreciate you weighing in, especially since you're the only one I know with two boys and since you have experienced working full time and staying home full time. It's interesting to hear that Aaden was the same way even though he *didn't* spend all of his time with you. I do think Nora and I are fortunate with my part time schedule-- even though I'd like to be with her all the time, I think it's good for both of us to spend a few hours a week apart. I'll trust your advice about things changing in time and try to enjoy her preference for me for the time being while also encouraging her to get comfortable with other family members!
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