I was excited to begin this semester because it is the first time since, I don't know, forever? that I feel like I have my feet somewhat firmly beneath me. This is what the past several semesters have been like, in a nutshell:
Spring 2010: taking two seminars, working 20 hours a week in the Business Office, stressed out about being on the PhD waitlist, overwhelmed by my MA capstone.
Fall 2010: Teaching 101 for the first time, taking three seminars, working a few hours a week in the business office, worrying about my dad, trying to get pregnant, hoping Vickie would be able to find a job she deserved.
Spring 2011: Taking three seminars, working 10 hours a week in the Business Office, mourning the death of my dad, managing his financial affairs, helping to plan his memorial, feeling exhausted and sick from pregnancy.
Fall 2011: On leave from school, finishing my pregnancy, giving birth to a new human, discovering I was completely unprepared to care for a colicky newborn but doing it anyway.
Spring 2012: Wishing I had taken a whole year off, TAing for two discussion sections of a new course, spending as little time on campus as possible so I could be home with Nora, feeling sleep deprived and constantly hungry, struggling to get any of my own work done.
Fall 2012: Teaching my first stand-alone literature class, preparing for and completing my comprehensive exams, pumping while wishing my daughter wasn't in full-time day care, wishing that day care wasn't 35 minutes from my house without traffic, trying to overcome the shock of the death of my grandfather.
Spring 2013: TAing for a new lecture class, changing my research topic, researching for my prospectus, working 10 hours a week on the KAP project, getting sick every other week (2 emergency room trips included).
So yeah. It has been A TIME. This has not allowed a lot of flexibility in my schedule for, say, stopping to grab coffee with a friend I run into in the copy room. Nor has it allowed me to attend many of the events my department regularly hosts. For example, the only reason I was able to make it to a particularly important department event while pregnant was because the miracle that is Zofran ended the 36 straight hours of vomiting that preceded it. There is no doubt, in my mind, about whether my absence at these types of events marks a lack of commitment to the program or to my degree. It absolutely does not. And those who know me understand this, too. But in any case, my absence has been hard to not notice, so I don't blame any one of the many (and I mean, like, every) friend or colleague who has recently said to me some variation of "I'm surprised to see you here!" Surprised to see me at the orientation lunch (for a 30 minute break from the library job). Surprised to see me at the Center for Teaching Excellence student engagement seminar. Surprised to see me around the building. Surprised to see me at the Alumni Lecture, reception, and dinner afterward.
I understand why they're surprised. And the vast majority of them are surprised and pleased to see me, rather than trying to suggest that I should have been attending these events more regularly. I feel a little awkward about this observation, though, because I would have really liked to be able to spend more time with these friends and to have attended more of these events. So I find myself responding with comments like, "I'm glad to be back!" or "It's nice to feel like I'm part of the program again!" or "Nora loves school so I don't have to feel guilty about leaving her there an extra 30 minutes." (Well, I'm still calling it school, not day care, so the residual guilt is still there, but that's another post.)
The alumni lecture was Friday. I couldn't not attend: Lara Vetter, the alum who gave the lecture, writes on female Modernists and contributed to a digitization project while at Maryland (sound familiar?). Plus, the dinner was hosted by a professor who sat on my exam committee and another who put in a good word to help me get the KAP job. It still wasn't easy for me to swing, though. It meant getting Nora out the door by 7am, meeting with my fellow TA from 9-10, teaching from 10-12, prepping from 12-1, working on the KAP project from 1-4, and then hustling back across campus for the lecture. Since I left the party early and still didn't get home until 10pm, it meant Billy had to leave work early to pick Nora up from school and was on his own with her for the rest of the evening. In the interest of comparison, I'll share that someone told me mid-day Friday that she might come to the lecture but she really wanted to get home and get caught up on Breaking Bad, so she wasn't sure-- but she did hear that there was going to be wine there.
Dr. Vetter had so many interesting and useful things to say that I was instantly glad this other colleague and I had set aside our respective family/child and Netflix obligations to attend the talk. One thing Dr. Vetter talked about was what she wishes she had known when she went on the job market. She gave a lot of specific, helpful advice, but what it mostly boiled down to was: Be confident but not arrogant and Have your shit together.
At any other point in the past several years, this might have made me feel like I have no hope of ever landing a good academic job. My confidence in my ability to achieve my personal and professional goals at the same time has been waning over the past few years. I feel like every day there has been a reminder that I have not had my shit together (or, at least, not as together as it used to be). But this semester, for the first time in years, it feels like I'm finally in the driver's seat. I know better than to expect this to continue. Something else will come up. But in the meantime, it is nice to feel like I might be able to get things done. Like I'm ready to teach the course I'm assigned. Like I'm comfortable with how little I know about digitizing correspondence and ready to learn more. Like I'm nearing completion on my prospectus. Like Billy and I are managing to take good care of our daughter and she is thriving. Like I can go out with my husband on a Wednesday night as long as Vickie or my in-laws are willing to babysit Nora.
It's a good place to be. And it's about time, I guess, to find out how well I can work when the balls I'm juggling are not quite so heavy or cumbersome... before I run out of funding. But that's for another post, too.
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with Nora on my first day of school
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