I was planning to work extra hours at the library to make up for the time I missed last week due to my combined bacterial/viral infection. But on Tuesday, an hour into that attempt, I got called to come pick up Nora because her fever was near 102. Billy stayed home with her on Wednesday, so I was able to make some progress in my KA Porter inventory, but since Nora's fever persisted in going up and down, I haven't been back to the library since then. Today I finally took her to the pediatrician, who prescribed an antibiotic for a minor ear infection. Can't wait to change those diapers!
Despite my physical absence from that job, I still get to see the emails circulating about all the mistakes I've made in the inventory. If you'd like a slice of humble pie, sign up to be the most inexperienced member of any team and make sure it is your job to do the bulk of the data entry. That way, when four or five trained individuals clean up behind you, you can find out just how inept your lack of experience has made you. I don't know if they expected me to start off this poorly or not, but my niggling perfectionism makes me feel like I am letting everyone down. I bet they wish they hadn't hired someone with a small child and no experience, the voice inside keeps telling me.
Monday was my first post-semester work from home day, which meant I was supposed to get serious about this dissertation prospectus. I finally tracked down a dissertation from last year that will be hugely helpful in helping me position myself within the ongoing conversation about Modernism, maternity, and feminism. The bibliography reads like a list of all the texts I knew must be out there but which I could not seem to find on my own. The first two chapters, which is all I've managed to read so far, are brilliant. Truly. It's like reading a dissertation on your topic that is wildly better than you could have even dreamed up. The proper reaction to this would be enthusiasm: I can do something like this too! I was right about all of these things! If this dissertation was directed by a pre-eminent name in the field, and this woman got a tenure track teaching job, as well as a teaching award in her first year, there is hope for me, too! But I am having the opposite reaction. Holy s***. I am SO far away from having any ideas this good. When was the last time I felt like I had a really good idea? Oh yeah, it was in November. And just last week my well-meaning advisor told me that idea had been "too obvious."
Which, incidentally, confirms all my fears about myself as a thinker. I generally think every single one of my ideas is obvious. Usually my advisor says things like "It's only obvious to you. Most people can never appreciate how unique their own ideas are, because to them, those ideas always seem obvious." So it was pretty crushing to hear that the one time I did think I was onto something unique, it came across as "meh."
Last night I was feeling so frustrated that I decided I needed a little change of pace. I had begun working on a crib quilt for Nora, and I decided that I might feel better in general if I devoted my energy for the evening to a small task that I could actually finish. Ideally, finishing a gratifying project should give me the inspiration I need to keep plugging away at my other seemingly endless projects. First, I discovered that the piece of fusible webbing I had purchased for the project was too short. Eh, who cares if I spent an hour measuring fabric to maximize the length of the blanket. I thought. She won't notice if it is 4" shorter. So I trimmed the quilt and progressed to the next step, only to discover that I could not fuse the webbing to the polyester backing as planned because the backing melted under the heat of the iron. Nice planning. Oh well, I thought, I'll just pin it. After quilting a few rows, I ran out of thread without even realizing it been running low.
I didn't even mention that my daughter has been sporting a four pointed diamond bruise on her head because I let her face plant into a dog bone!
So, in short: this has not been my week. I want to quit everything. The only thing that gets me through weeks like this is focusing on the positive. There isn't a lot to work with there, but here goes:
The pediatrician said "Congratulations Mom and Dad" about the fact that Nora made it to 19mo before getting her first ear infection, and a minor one at that. Thank you, breastmilk!
When Nora's sick, she's cuddly.
Somehow I missed this post, thus missing a chance to remind you just how much good work you're doing. I can relate to most of this, but especially to starting new jobs/academic challenges and raising a one year old (at the same time).
ReplyDeleteStarting a new job or project, in a field where you lack experience, is hard across the board, right? Especially when a team relies on your work; not because it's less ok to make mistakes, but because--to you--they feel way more impactful. But, just like any job, this novice phase too shall pass. (I also get very upset when I make mistakes, and I made plenty in the office when taking on new data analysis type projects. Helps that Kevin is the nicest boss/friend, but still the disappointment can really stink.)
And, as to the one year old. In my really limited wisdom, I've come to see the first two/three years as a whirlwind of change--everything is shifting every few weeks, sometimes every few days. So you are constantly getting your footing all over again.
These two things together could make any person feel inept, even a kick a** scholar-mother like yourself. Tomorrow is always a new day, and for every hectic, frustrating day, there will be one that reminds you why you do what you do! Keep swimming. :o)
Liz,
ReplyDeleteThe only part of this post that I can comment on with any sort of experience is the "good research ideas" part. My hope for you is that you can realize/remember that no dissertation or research project idea was formed once and completely. My dissertation topic was revised probably 4 times, easy, and my research questions were revised at least three times with the help of my whole committee. I had a whole list of research questions with respect to my topic - like, a whole page long. I probably had 30 questions written down at one point and the six I settled on weren't even on that sheet. Research ideas and questions are developed through feedback, failure, and drafting. Yes, you may have developed an "obvious" idea, but that's par for the course. You have to do that in order to get to the good ideas and the good questions that no one has been asking yet. Keep your head up, you're working through the process and that's the most important point right now.
Katie