Little Brown Head

Most people comment that when they look at Nora's full head of hair, they see her dad.  But when I look at her full head of hair, I see my dad.

Dad left each of us a letter to read once he passed away.  In the first sentence of the letter he left me, Dad writes that he "loved me since the first time he saw (my) little brown head."  I knew Billy had also been born with a full head of brown hair, so even though I tried not to get my hopes up, I was going to be heartbroken if Nora was born bald.  I knew that if she came out with a little brown head, it would remind me that my dad is with me always, even though he will never get to meet her.

But Nora did not disappoint.  The first thing said by the first person who saw her was a comment on her little brown head.  Dr. Penn told me she had "a lot of long dark brown hair."  This is probably a big part of the reason why I found pushing to be the best part of childbirth, even though it was the worst part in terms of pain.  As soon as I knew she had hair, I was reminded that she belonged to me and Billy and that we made her.  But I was also reminded that the love we have for her would be the newest iteration of a love that our parents have had for us since we were born with our own little brown heads.

When Dad's cancer returned in 2007, I was working on my Master's degree applications, and I wrote to him that the diagnosis made me feel badly that I did not plan to have kids until after I finished that degree.  He responded:
I'd hate for you to give up on dreams and hopes just to try to hit some expectation on my end.  I feel fortunate to have lovely children and energy to spend time knowing them as adults.  Little kids are forever, you need to be ready and happy with your decision for your reasons, not mine.  I haven't asked, pushed, or pressed for just that reason...regardless of health.  You'll be a marvelous parent when the time is right, and Billy will be a great dad.  When the time is right.

The time is right now, Dad.  I just wish you were here to love her little brown head, too.  But don't worry.  It only took me two days after I had her home to tell her "Hands over head!" while trying to get her dressed, so I know that in some ways, being a parent will bring me closer to you than ever.