Comprehensive Qualifying Exam

I survived my exam on Tuesday!

When Vickie was little, she used to read these books about Cam Jansen, a girl who had a photographic memory.  Cam would look at something, blink her eyes, and say "click," and her brain would remember that image.  As a parent, I have been frequently been reminded of this scenario because there are so many moments where you want to freeze time, absorb the moment, and preserve it forever.

When I walked out of my exam, Nora came running toward me for a hug and my advisor walked up to Billy, shook his hand, and told him I'd done a good job.  Then Billy gave me a big hug, too.  CLICK.  It doesn't get any better than that.

The whole day was a pleasure, really.  My exam didn't start until 2pm, which was a bit anxiety-inducing for me, since it meant waiting in anticipation for the whole day.  I wasn't nervous about it, I just wanted to get it over with.  I didn't feel like teaching my students, but at least that kept me somewhat occupied.  I did some final review because I was determined to remember the names of the characters from all the books.  The delayed start time also meant I got to spend the whole day accumulating messages of encouragement.  My friends and family called, sent messages through facebook, email, and texts, and sent packages, videos, and flowers.  I always feel well supported but it was overwhelming and touching to discover how many people committed to memory that the 27th was my exam date, made a point to wish me well, and reaffirmed their confidence in me.

There were only about five minutes of panic in the whole day.  As 2pm approached, I began to get kind of nervous, but I went to the conference room and waited.  At 2:03 I was still the only one in the room.  The combination of wanting so badly to get my exam underway and fearing that it might get postponed made me feel physically ill and I really thought, briefly, that I would vomit.  I made a mental note that if I ever have the privilege of serving as a professor on an exam committee in this capacity, I will arrive early and put the student's mind at ease.  Then one of my professors showed up and did precisely that.

From there on, it was smooth sailing.  I felt really good about my 20 minute opening presentation beforehand, and I delivered it pretty seamlessly.  My professors asked me questions about my specific interests for about 40 minutes, and I felt like I had something insightful to say for all of questions.  We took a brief break, after which my committee members asked me more general questions about the larger scope of the list.  Everyone tells you that if the exam is going well, it feels like a conversation among colleagues (rather than an interrogation), and you can actually start to enjoy it by the end.  I enjoyed the whole thing.  I enjoyed the aftermath even more.  After getting my hug from Billy and Nora, we talked briefly with Katie about how things went before heading home.  On the drive, I called my mom and told her I'd done well.  I called my brother and told him I'd done well.  I played Paul Simon's "Father and Daughter" and had a moment of sadness about not being able to call him.  Katie and I picked up the food and when we got home, Billy, Nora, Vickie, Tres, and Anne-Marie were waiting.  Billy put Nora to bed and the rest of us spent about two hours eating, talking about the test, marveling at Anne-Marie's baby bump, and generally catching up on the time we haven't been able to spend together as a result of my exam preparations.  It was wonderful to have a chance to celebrate with the people who reminded me during every minor and major freak-out that I was going to be fine.

Since then, I've done a lot of reflecting on the exam itself.  I feel like I have fully redeemed myself for my disaster of a capstone defense by demonstrating absolute command of the material and complete composure throughout.  My advisor, who has seen me tear up in meetings and full-on cry in that capstone defense, made a point to tell me how impressed he was with my composure.  I've been thinking about this after the fact, and I think there were several contributing factors.
1) I chose my committee with care.  I didn't pick any professors that I thought might be intentionally confrontational. So even when they pushed me farther on claims I'd made, or asked very specific questions, it felt like they were confident I'd have an answer.
2) I read every text on my list and prepared at least one thing to say about each of them.  This freed me from  experiencing any kind of underlying, foreboding fear that they might ask me something I absolutely couldn't answer.
3) The period of time since I defended my Master's capstone has included countless lessons in maintaining my composure.  I helped care for my dad while he was dying.  I managed his estate while carrying a baby and a full graduate courseload.  I spoke at his memorial service while so sick from pregnancy hormones that I was taking daily medication. I delivered a baby in posterior position without an epidural but had to accept that I couldn't do it completely medication-free.  I spent countless hours soothing a colicky infant.  I've spent over a year figuring out different ways to get her to stop crying, and I've persisted through things that needed to be done in spite of her tears.  I've endured the seemingly endless parade of questions and judgments that other people, even strangers, feel entitled to make toward pregnant women and new mothers.  I flew across the country with a baby at a moment's notice to say goodbye to my dying grandfather.  And, importantly, these things have forced me to learn when I need to ask for help, how to seek it, and who I can rely on to give me what I need.  I knew all of those people were in my corner, and the composure I'd developed from all those experiences was at my disposal.  So nobody was going to freak me out by asking a question about a book.
4) I knew that whatever happened, my husband and my daughter were going to be waiting for me when I walked out of there, my closest friends in the area were coming to my house that night, and nobody in my family cared whether I ended up crying or not.

It was such a great day.  I am so thankful to all of you who read this blog for taking an interest in my life and for finding a variety of ways to encourage and congratulate me.  I can't wait to someday tell Nora about this whole experience.  I want to make sure she understands that I was able to keep going because the 2ish hours I got to spend each day with her and Billy reminded me that no matter what happens academically, my life is rich and full in the most important ways.

In the week before the exam, Vickie dropped off a care package including this mug and polish, and Mom sent me flowers that have lasted over a week! My mom also sent me a tanktop that says "I am a mom; I can do anything" and a matching onesie for Nora. I believe this now more than ever!

Katie brought champagne to the celebration and Nate and Ashley had congratulatory flowers sent to to the house, which I got when I arrived home.  The florist had our neighbors sign for them, and since the congratulations card was visible, our German neighbor told Billy "We are proud of Liz, too, for whatever!" when he brought them over. :)

If ever wife was happy in a man, Compare with me, ye women, if you can.

Gonna try with a little help from my friends.

I also owe a special thank-you to my graduate school partner-in-crime, Katie, who was basically at my beck and call for two straight days.  She gave me feedback on my presentation, ran through sample questions with me, stopped in to check on me before the exam, kept Billy company while he and Nora waited for me to finish, and helped me return my rental car and pick up dinner before we all celebrated together.  Chalk another one up for Team Waitlist!