Waiting for Godot

Today while I was on the Arc Trainer (the Elliptical's evil step-sister), it occurred to me that I've spent the past 27 years psyching myself up. But what do you do when you need to psych yourself down?

A lot of music is dedicated to helping you psych yourself up. For several weeks before my PhD application was due, I was listening to the Glee CDs on repeat. A sampling of lyrics from these tracks include:

-"I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so. Some things I cannot change, but 'til I try, I'll never know." (Defying Gravity)

-"Don't tell me not to fly; I've simply got to. If someone takes a spill, it's me and not you. Who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade?" (Don't Rain on My Parade)

-"Don't stop believin'-- hold on to that feeling." (Don't Stop Believing)

In the midst of composing my writing sample, I probably took a break to play to "Don't Rain on My Parade" no fewer than 20 times.

These songs aren't much help during the waiting, though. If there is a song along the lines of "I know I'm qualified, I believe I deserve it, but I'd like to prepare myself for the worst possible outcome," I'm not familiar with it. I'm not used to waiting for other people to make decisions that impact my life in such significant ways.

Pressure is mounting. I got my letter from Calvert County Public Schools last week asking if I am coming back to teach or extending my leave of absence. The semester starts back up on Monday. I received notice that I'm presenting a paper at our graduate conference, an event which all admitted PhD students are encouraged to attend in order to get a feel for the program.

For lack of a better approach, I have adopted the "try not to think about it" strategy. It's not going so well, but I've found a few good distractions.

1) The Australian Open. Thank you, tennis schedulers, for bringing me this glorious two week mental oasis, even if it is on in the middle of the night. Thank you, Andy Roddick, for making it through at least the first week. Kim Clijsters, any advice for me about preparing for a colossal disappointment? You didn't see it coming? Okay, thanks anyway.

2) Award season. So far, the Golden Globes and the Screen Actor's Guild Awards. Glee is doing surprisingly well. I was happy to see Sandra Bullock win for The Blind Side. My friends and I can discuss the fashion and beauty decisions ad nauseam.

3) Internet. For example, yesterday I came across this posting about what Pi Phis at Cornell are allowed to wear during rush (unintentionally hilarious). Today, I looked through the "Famous Literary Drunks and Addicts." Please do check it out: it lists each artist's vice(s), and for Hunter S. Thompson it simply says, "Everything." Plus, the photo of Faulkner is awesome.

4) Nail polish. Today I spent who knows how long preparing a guest post for my friend Brooke's nail polish blog, in which I admit to having four shades of nearly identical nail polish. Last night, I dragged Billy to Annapolis mall to pick up the fourth and most perfect shade. I'll let you know when Brooke publishes my guest post, but for now, check out the giveaway she's having!

5) Literature. The blog is, after all, called "Literature is Where I Go." The other day, I started reading A Jury of Her Peers. It's fantastic: the more I read, the more I wish that a) I'd started it when Patti gave it to me for Christmas, and b) I'd had it when I was teaching American Lit. (It's just been released in paperback if you were waiting to pick it up. I'm thankful to have the hardcover, though, because I'll use it forever.) Today, I began James Fenimore Cooper's The Deerslayer. So far, Natty Bummpo is annoying me with his self-righteous piety, and I think a lot must happen in this book before he can become the dreamy rogue portrayed by Daniel Day Lewis in The Last of the Mohicans. It's set along the banks of Lake Otsego, where Billy, Dad, and I visited this summer, so that is making the lengthy descriptions of the landscape more interesting than tedious.

6) Taking funny pictures of Oscar, who is enjoying the extra attention.

Thankfully, my classes start up in a few days, so I'll be busy again. Any songs you think might help me through, though, would be appreciated. : )

(Waiting for Godot is a play by Samuel Beckett. In it, Estragon and Vladamir are, naturally, waiting for Godot, who (spoiler alert) never arrives. I'm a little frightened to admit that these past few weeks have indeed felt like the inside of a story conceived by Beckett. I hope that once the decision is made I can get back to a nice, somewhat linear, causally-related storyline.)